7/13/10

Super Ads of the 70's! - Plan your next garage sale now!

The seventies were unforgivable. We can blame the hippies. They took the close-to-natureness of Native America and smeared it on everything from French Classicism to native Moroccan crafts. But, it was always done with the restraint and judgment of a tuna cocaine casserole. Thank you, seventies! Thank you for making regrettable crap from all other eras seem positively shrewd in comparison!

The never-less-appropriately-named "Better Homes and Gardens" magazine from 1973 fills it's back pages with ads selling things to fill your house with domestic warmth. Let no patch of wall go un-decoupaged! Let no shelf go un-bric-a-brac-ed! Let's explore!

Capture the exotic magic of a Moroccan Bazaar in this authentic harem robe. It flatters every figure by obscuring it in a rectangle of coarse hemp fabric. How is this a "harem" robe? Maybe it's what concubines wore on their way from the shower to get into their silk harem bikini veils? People in Morocco wore this because they had nothing else. If they had pants and shirts, they'd ditch the burlap blanket under a donkey first chance they get... or sell it to some idiot American for enough money to eat for a month.

"Delicately styled to blend perfectly with any decor", as long as you're Marie Antoinette. Isn't this a reproduction of the same telephone that Napoleon used? It'll go perfectly with my 16th century dishwasher.

Having a twenty inch tall grandfather clock is like a Cadillac bicycle. Everyone will know your ambitions outpace your means. Really, if you're struggling to afford the mini grandfather clock without a chime, maybe you should just save your money for groceries?

So, with this attractive "go-go barn" in place, you then have one more obstacle to cleaning the cat box. The energy spent lifting the barn and finding a place to put it could be better spent just removing the poos from the litter. Is there such a thing as water-repellent cardboard? Honestly, I'd rather look at a tray of cat dump.

Wow, Madge! Is that a real Tiffany lamp? It sure is, Gloria! You know Tiffany, right? Tiffany Gorbanstern? She made that wonderful apple brown betty at the church rummage sale last year? She made this as part of her work release program. She says that making basket lamps is the only thing that silences the voices in her head.

Tired of effortlessly hiding that ugly can of comet under the sink? Sick of the humiliation of having your friends know you clean your bathroom? Why not replace that silly can with this giant, heavy, breakable, refillable porcelain container? Specially glazed to be extra slippery in wet hands! Also a great place to hide your stash when the pigs raid your pad! (Not responsible for snorted cleanser.)

Dying to get that "hand made by a groupie" look for your entryway, rumpus room or breakfast nook? Buy this yarny stitchy flower thingy and you can look forward to the pocket change you'll earn from selling it to your neighbor at your next garage sale.

That's good advice. I have some flowers growing in the back yard, next to the dumpster. That way I can save a trip. Thanks, trite embroidered catch phrase! Enjoy your new life under a pile of orange peels and coffee filters!

2 comments:

Tiffany Lamp said...

Nice post. Times gone by. We call garage sales jumble sales here in the UK.

Phil Are Go! said...

Thanks for reading, Tiffany. Although I am an anglophile myself, I'd never heard of the "jumble sale / garage sale" equivalency before. I'll make a note of it on the British English tote board. In all linguistic disputes, England wins. It's not called "Americanish" after all.

Say hi to my friends Lesley and Lucien if you see them over there. Lesley is fairly tall and has blonde hair and lived in Chicago for a few years. Lucien has short kind of hair and likes spicy food.

P.S. Nice museum! I like your rosetta stone!

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