10/22/10

New Ideas from the Inventors - Devices of Questionable Practicality.

This morning as I walked through the lobby at GO! towers, I was greeted by an excited staffer from the Art and Avoiding Creating New Art department. She informed me that we now have a header for "inventions" posts. Pretty slick, huh? It refers to "the inventors" like they're geniuses who sit all day in some kind of invention chamber, building crucial stuff, and not pipefitters and bank tellers trying to convince the world it needs their ridiculous doodad that they knocked together in their garage. Let's perpetuate that misconception (the one about the chamber full of geniuses) by stealing this graphic as our invention header.

End the drudgery of glove-wearing forever with this brief-case mitt! You can keep your hand warm while carry your brief-case. See? Now all we need is some kind of inventor to invent us a steering-wheel mitt, a pencil mitt and a coffee-mug mitt. Imagine all the lost hours you can reclaim, previously spent enduring the torture of putting your gloves on... not to mention the anguish of pulling them off again later! The brief-case mitt needs some kind of  water-tight cuff at the top, or perhaps a system of gutters or drainage apparatus, to prevent the mitt from filling-up with rain-water. Almost perfect, The Inventors!

Being assigned to a post on Earth can be a real chore. Earth's tiny yellow sun barely dribbles out any ultraviolet radiation at all, especially in the delicious, carapace-nourishing 320 nanometer spectrum. How to these pathetic humans get by on so little 320nm exposure? We'll never know! However, you can care for your various personal surfaces by imitating their wasteful "sleep period" under this wonderful heat lamp array. Easily disguised as an ordinary interrogation apparatus, you'll spend hours soaking up sweet, sweet UV rays while you telepathically transmit your findings back to the mother ship. Insignificant humans, prepare to be assimilated by a tan, healthy superior life form!

Does your teen spend hours on the gigantic phone, while enormous dishes go un-washed and huge lawnmower goes un-pushed? Well, this phone meter lets you carefully tabulate the message units consumed, so you can become only as angry as needed. Device fits unobtrusively on any unoccupied ping-pong table and dialing holes fit a standard knee or forehead. Noise created by mechanism may necessitate the purchase of an extra long cord to reach minimum audible radius (M.A.R.) for the handset.

Bring the fun back to construction with this handy nail rifle! "Shooting up the place" has never meant building a room addition until now. Simply load the rifle with the appropriate cartridge, based on nail size, type and thickness of material and blam your wall into existence. Rifle is easily differentiated from a real rifle by small inscription "not a real rifle" just inside the mouth of the barrel. Can also be used to turn off televisions or neighbor's pets. Normal use may attract unwanted attention from local authorities.

3 comments:

Craig said...

We have a message from The Inventors Dept., Craig-Are-GO! Manufacturing Co. (CAGManCO):

Developing "Other-Hand-Mitt" STOP Prevents wearer from having to stuff other hand down front of pants to keep warm STOP Also working on Left-Handed-Brief-Case with Left-Handed-Brief-Case-Mitt with recently secured venture capital money from Sam Wainright STOP Hee-Haw!!

Phil Are Go! said...

Well Joked, sir. Thanks for posting, STOP. GO!

Dave Pryor said...

Now I need to see that big phone message counter in real life. I assume someone built at least a prototype if these were to be for sale somewhere, right? Perhaps the inventor was smart and only brought the drawing of his invention to the inventor's convention so he saved himself a few bucks when he got laughed out to the curb.

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