Joke #1 - Improving sunglasses from 99% UV protection to 100% UV protection is not just a matter of a new coating. You've got to really want that extra percent.
Joke #2 - Thanks to his telephoto contact lenses, Dr. Roymond was able to observe the lions from several feet away. It would have to be enough. His low-Earth orbit contacts were still on order from Walgreens.
Joke #3 - To observe the earth's magnetic field more accurately, scientists must mount their eyes on tripods.
Joke #4 - With his eyes securely screwed to the magnetometer, and his wee-wee catheterized, Dr. Roymond was ready for some serious sciencing.
Joke #5 - Still socially awkward, Dr. Roymond attended his high school reunion from a safe distance across the street, where he could measure and document the foolish enjoyment of the other alumni.
Joke #6 - They took some careful calibration and daily maintenance, but his new metal eyebrows paid dividends in the form of increased rigidity, and very low coefficient of thermal expansion. Let them laugh.
Joke #7 - Sure they were expecting a puppet show, but when the curtains parted today, the children were treated to a fanciful reenactment of the historic first surveying of the Earth's magnetic field.
Joke #8 courtesy Craig: Rare still photograph from "The Laser Eyes of Dr. Roymond," starring Frank Oz.