4/12/11

Decorating Ideas 1971 - Beer can Table. You can't spell class without "ass".

Thanks to our good friend, The Seventies, we can bring you these fun and sophisticated decorating ideas for your rumpus room, guest room, or basement "murder hole". Hooray for the national lapse in judgement that was The Seventies!

BEER CAN TABLE - But don't drink it!

Who loves beer? That's right. Everyone from the lowliest toddler to the mightiest carnival attendant loves the sweet wisdom granted by Budweiser, Brown Derby, Schlitz, Miller, Falstaff, Storz and Michelob. Use that wisdom to make a coffee table that shows the world how much you love to drink and make subsequent decisions about your life with this beer can coffee table. Before you can do any of that you have to build it. here's how:

Step one: Ride your Schwinn Sting-Ray down to your local beer shoppe and buy a 147-pack of assorted beers. Note that the Schwinn Sting-Ray was built solid enough that, if you need to, you can just ride it straight through the front of the store, in case your beer table project takes place after business hours.

Step two: On the ride home, drink your 147-pack. The next morning, climb out of the drainage ditch you wheelied the Sting-Ray into, being careful not to dent any of your cans. If you were thinking ahead, you would have bought a few extra as backups in case of damage. However, a project like this is not for those who are into forethought.

Step three: arrange the cans in a rough cube using your hands and possibly fingers. Epoxy the cans into position using Epoxy. Stand outdoors until the Epoxy on your hands has dried. This will avoid a "permanent finger moustache", and should take twelve hours. Also during this time, the cans should be drying. Use this time to consider all the decisions you have ever made.

Step Four: Have a grownup cut a 24-inch square sheet of 1/2 inch Plexiglass, using a 24-inch square Plexiglass sheet cutter. First, acquire a sheet of 1/2 inch Plexiglass from the beer shoppe / crime scene. This material can be found near the cash register, mounted between the counter and ceiling, with a little grill in the center for shouting threats. If necessary, use the remaining Sting-Ray to knock the Plexiglass loose. Make your escape. Try to use a section of the Plexiglass without any bullet holes or Sting-Ray blemishes.  Note: The Plexiglass may be as thick as an inch or more. In this case, you'll need to slice the Plexiglass horizontally into two 1/2 inch thick sheets using some kind of wonder tool that doesn't exist yet. This may be impossible. Just use the sheet no matter how thick it is.

Step five: Place Plexiglass sheet on beer can cube using your Plexiglass Manipulation and Positioning Apparatus.

Step Five: Stare in admiration at the wonder you have created. Optional: shout "woo".

Step Six: Answer the door with your hands in the air.

3 comments:

Craig said...

That'll go perfectly with my hat!

http://motorcitytimes.com/mct/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/beer_coors_flappy.jpg

Thanks, 1970s, or as I like to call it, "The Asshole Decade."

Phil Are Go! said...

Aah, yes. The beer can hat. I think those were wonderful creations. Back in the Seventies, beer cans were made from 14-gauge steel, and could cut through a boat hull. Even the lightest blow on the head stood a good chance of granting the wearer a head injury, from a laceration to a full brain puncture. Now, cans are made from aluminum that is thinner than the skin on a car, and stands no chance of removing a jackass from the gene pool when woven into a macrame' hat. Booo for progress.

Thanks for reading, Craig!

[Mgmt.]

Phil said...

That would go great with my bottlecap floor tiles and Zig-Zag wallpaper.

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