Smirnoff Bullshot - A cow, drunk.

Yes, yes. A cow is a lady bovine and a bull is a guy. Get off my back. It's close enough for a jokey title.

Chicago was basically one huge puddle of crotch sweat yesterday, and what's better on a hot summer Friday than a nice cool glass of beef? That's right! MOST things! So why not try making your own "bullshot" tonight? Smirnoff would appreciate it if you used Smirnoff to make it.
This is not the first time we've reported on meat-themed drinks. Does anybody drink these things any more? I feel like it's mostly an English thing, but then I don't really go in for the hard likker. A glass of beer or wine does me just fine, thanks. So, maybe somebody can wake me up to the vivacious underground beef cocktail club scene in the comments?

According to Wikipedia, a bullshot is a variant of the bloody mary, basically substituting beef boullion for tomato juice. Why does this sound gross to me? I willingly eat beefy soups, which is pretty much liquefied cow. Is it okay to drink a cow hot and not cold? Of course it is, but I can't tell you why. Go find an Englishman with a glass of Bovril in his hand and ask him.

I'm not sure if I get the joke in this picture. They went to some trouble to make the cow mask roll his eyes like the drink is stupid or something. Is he annoyed with the flower in his "hair"? Does the cow mask not want to drink the drink made from himself? Quite possibly, they saw an opportunity for a striking image and went with it.

Bullshot recipeCombine vodka and beef boullion in a glass. Add salt and pepper and drink. Do not make a weird face.

Here's the scene from Ren & Stimpy where they serve their "little brother", Kowalski, a glass of meat, skillfully recorded off a television with a handheld camera.

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1959 Lincoln - Fab one and a half.

Zoinks! Has the world gone crazy? This Lincoln ad features an endorsement from a decidedly non-honkyish person! This goes against my understanding of mainstream America as willfully ignorant xenophobes. Hey, nice car.
Hm! general Carlos P. Romulo. Never heard of him, but apparently he had an impressive resume', including president of the UN General Assembly and best pal to General MacArthur. Well doesn't that beat all?

What the hell is a "chancery"? The research and Googling team says it's a government office where records are kept. Another definition suggests something about a court of law that considers fairness when making decisions, and not just existing laws. Sounds like a nice idea. I wonder if anyone's ever actually tried basing a government on fairness? Novel idea.

Anyhoo, not much to make fun of here. The car's nice. 1959 was showing us the beginning of a more rational and tasteful era in car styling where mile-high tail fins were going away and long, elegant lines were coming into fashion. About time!

hey, you know what would make this Lincoln about a million percent cooler? Fewer seats and more wheels. Most cars look appropriately absurd when 'shopped into supercoupe form, as we have demonstrated time and time and time again. Pen tool, don't fail me now! Big and small, left and right. Click through each for the big version. You're welcome. Rude finger graphic gift right-clicky-save, engage!

The Lincoln makes a fine companion to Lady Penelope's six-wheeled Fab 1, from the old Thunderbirds TV show (and the source of this blog's name). This would, of course, be driven by the lucky "Mr. Penelope", whoever that was. Lucky guy. Six-wheeled Lincoln and married to a pretty hot puppet. Also, some kind of joke about hand jobs.

If you simply MUST have the more boring version of the Lincoln, here you go. You're still welcome.

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Metal Wafer

Joke #1 - Siri. For internal use only.

Joke #2 - One of the few existing photos depicting the Sacrament of the Alumi-host in the church of Technojesus, Robot Savior... the fifth craziest religion in America.

Joke #3 - In 1959, advancements in nanotechnology led to the development of a tiny video camera housed in a capsule, allowing scientists to finally unlock the mysteries of the choking process.

Sue has come to my rescue, fleshing out today's rather paltry list of jokes with Joke #4. Thanks, Sue! - Leaked footage of the first 50 cent piece stamp.

A drum-themed joke #5 now, from Sue again! Thanks, Sue!Billy found the world's smallest crash cymbal. He just took his friend's request to show him some licks a little TOO seriously.

MisterFancyHotBalls2 brings us our 6th joke today, and such an elaborately woven joke it is! You truly are fancy! Thanks, MFHB2! - 1959 news photo of Arnold "Ball-peen" Dooley of Corn Holler, Alabama. Dooley was the only recipient of the trial Irradiated Oral Male Contraceptive Disk. Shortly before his death, Dooley stated the only reason he volunteered for the testing was in hopes that he would finally "git some". Timing, and lack of willing female test subjects. ended the trials one month in. 


[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]

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Antiques Creepshow - Fabergé Billiard Frogs Tableau.

Today Phil Are GO! Is proud to bring you a shining example of the taxedermic work of Peter Carl Faberge': The Billiard Frogs Tableau.
Produced years after his more pedestrian egg-themed works, The Billiard Frogs Tableau represents Faberge' at the height of his creative powers during his climactic "insane" period in the spring of 1919.

It is believed that Faberge' created this object de faintasie as a reaction to the upheaval of the Russian Revolution and the seizure of House Faberge' by the Bolsheviks. Fleeing St. Petersburg for Wiesbaden, Germany, Faberge' rode a sleigh through the snow-blanketed forests of Finland. It was on this journey that he picked the last of the Finnish winter frogs to create this, his masterwork.
Having suffered the loss of his livelihood to political chaos, Faberge' seems to rail against the Bolsheviks and their rejection of the Romanov dynasty by saying "Yes, in this madness, even frogs will walk on two legs and play the billiards!" His rebellion of traditional taxidemic practices is obvious in the clarity with which we can see the wire armature in the subjects' legs. In this, the observer can feel the urgency with which Carl created the piece. His passion for the lost Russia and his rage at the rise of the Soviets radiates from the artwork.

 Faberge chose to nail the frogs in place, as if to say "The Bolsheviks can make these frogs play billiards, but you can never make them pay attention to the game." The frogs' eyes are ever skyward, thinking of all the frogs that gave their lives fighting for old Russia. Surely, this work towers over his other "mad" creation, "The Second Cheese Glove".
This piece, in the hands of a private collector who chooses not to be named, or to finish his pudding, has never been on display. We at Phil Are GO! were allowed to photograph it through special arrangement with the Wiesbaden Galerie von Bedauerlichen  Kunst (Gallery of Unfortunate Art), which holds it in trust for the owner. The gallery made us promise not to display these images, and so we must ask our readers not to tell anyone where they saw them.

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Trade School Sonnets - 85-000316 Filter-Regulator-Lubricator Unit

O, 85-000316 Filter-Regulator-Lubricator Unit, how do I admire your will and authority! How do I seek to emulate your imposing love of regularity!

For, in the throes of this life's wild tumult, do not all souls seek to lessen the blows to the heart, and thereby make each sunrise a new comfort to behold? Yes, I do often share your wish, 85-000316 Filter-Regulator-Lubricator Unit.

But soft, no. Yours is a fool's folly, 85-000316 Filter-Regulator-Lubricator Unit. He who strives to make each day the same, and labors only for uniformity of gaseous provision of well-oiled air, toils in vain.

I know you, 85-000316 Filter-Regulator-Lubricator Unit, and you know that we lie to all mankind when we lie to ourselves. Look in your primary bell housing. You know it to be true. And I would not have it otherwise, for what worth is a life without the storm to cherish the daisy? What value is the day without night to make the morning seem the brighter?

I thank you for the vigor of your efforts, 85-000316 Filter-Regulator-Lubricator Unit. Yet, let me advise you thus: guard not your heart from irregularity and un-forseen portents. Your heart is a valve seal, and it is a wear item, available from a local distributor. We can replace it.

You guard yourself overmuch, 85-000316 Filter-Regulator-Lubricator Unit, and I will open your pressure regulator to the full, for only in this way can we savor all that each day brings us. And so must we all fully open our valves, so.


Palmolive Soap - Very old blue eyes.

Vaguely implied racism news now, from 1947, a time before white people had discovered other races!

Palmolive had their priorities straight. Lots of pictures of women. A bogus "study" funded by the manufacturer... if it ever happened at all. And, one man included in the ad, just to remind women that they craved male attention and approval. However, the guy, being  an anonymous male ideal, is shoved off the edge of the page, since he's just been hired as a symbol of masculinity.

The art in this as consists of retouched photographs (painting right over the top of a photo) and heavily referenced paintings (a painted copy of a photograph, maybe with some props and costume changes dreamed up by the artist). It's worth noting that either all the models hired by the art director were of a carefully selected genetic stock or their eyes were all corrected for "ideal blueness" by the artist, at the direction of the art director.

There's nothing overtly racist about this. It just reveals the prevailing ethnocentric ideal of a more ignorant time. It is also possible that the ad was tailored for McCall's magazine, which probably knew a lot about their readers. Since then, the pendulum has swung to the opposite end of the spectrum, with every ad featuring a happy family consisting of one white mom, one black dad, one Asian child, one Latino child, and an Eskimo. This is just as conspicuous and weird as our monochromatic Palmolive ad.

"There's nothing like the luxury of my new Ether-Soaked Rag."
Speaking of eyes, they're tricky, as we've mentioned before. Almost all of the eyes in this ad have come out of the painting process looking sane and normal, except for the leopard print lady, who is my favorite here, naturally. Her eyelids are way too droopy. She looks like she's selling horse tranquilizers, not soap.

Way at the bottom of the ad, there are even more paintings of serving suggestions of how you might enjoy Palmolive soap, just in case you forgot that you can use it to wash. These little paintings are printed at a size not quite supported by the dot pattern of the printing process. This is good news for us, because if you scan them and blow them up, their wonkiness is revealed for all to enjoy!

It must be bath night.
It's nice of Palmolive to let their customers know that it's perfectly safe to bathe with candy wax lips in your mouth.

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Mod family room.

Joke #1 - "Honestly Hal, Would it kill you to lay down some carpet? Your mother went home last night and I can still hear her burps echoing around the place."

Joke #2 - For this modern, inviting media room, a twelve-inch screen is the ideal television size. Any larger and they'd have to sit in the hall to take it all in!

Joke #3 - "Hal, putting in this bar was just about the worst of your hair-brained ideas. Your precious bowling team certainly appreciates it. Kids, please turn around and finish your gin."

Joke #4 - "Kids, please turn around and finish your breakfast. You can watch Dick Cavett all you want after you eat."

Joke #5 - "Hal, I hardly think the Republican National Convention is healthy children's viewing. I can't wait till someone invents cartoons. Well, different cartoons, I mean."

Joke #6 - "Hal, please pick up your toys. You can watch the debates after you get ready for bed."

Joke #7 - Hal cherished these moments after his office job. Judy was clearing up dinner, the kids were all ready for bed, and he had his sunlamp warming up his midriff in preparation for a long night on the pole."

Joke #8 - In the decades preceding the advent of DVR technology, viewers would pass the time during commercial breaks by admiring fine art placed near the TV. Here, during an ad for Wildroot Cream Oil, a family is enjoying Gino Severini's cubist masterpiece Reclining Monstrosities.

Joke #9 - Judy was uncertain about the living arrangements they had worked out. She wasn't sure it was healthy for little Trent and his wife to wear matching pajamas. Oh well. That's mormonism for you.

Joke #10 comes from Sue. An Xmas in July present! Thanks Sue!Christmas Eve in our family was always warm and inviting. Billy and I in our new pjs, hoping every year we would get that device that would play all those weird black plastic tapes that sat under our tv. We hoped until 1978, then our dreams came true!

Joke #11 - Unnamed Stranger threw a joke into the pot for us. Thanks mysterious reader! Judy was really getting sick of Hal's fetish with doctor's offices. Not only did he remodel the living room to look like the reception area, but he now also ordered a used x-ray machine for the bedroom. He did not appreciate her quip that he should have ordered a microscope instead.

Joke #12 comes to us from MisterFancyHotBalls2, a recent addition to the list of regulars 'round here. Thanks, MFHB2! - "Hal, the children have knocked the table off it's shadow again!" - "We don't want another episode like the one we had with Peter & the OTHER CHILDREN, DO WE?"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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'55 Chevy Sport Models - Vacation time.

Note: For those of you living in England, when Americans are "on holiday", we use the term "on vacation". Sorry for the confusion. Please retrieve your monocle from your tea.

Here's a big ad from Chevrolet, hooting about all the fun you can have in their 1955 sport model lineup.
Both the station wagon and the coupe are described as "low". This is a relative term, of course. The denizens of 1955 could learn a few things about "low" from us in The Future. They could also learn a few lessons on looking like an idiot and making a car basically undriveable.

I don't know of any beaches that let you park your car right on the sand. There's too much danger of running over children playing with a beach ball, like in this ad. I was kind of surprised to see how much loft that girl is getting out of the ball. I mean, I know beach balls have almost no mass, but she's only about seven years old. Either she's got a great future in the Olympics or her dad pumped the ball up to 80 psi with the compressor. Also, dad could have a special 50/50 air/helium mix he uses just for inflating beach balls.

More likely, the artist just wanted to get the ball clear of the trees or something, to avoid a cluttered appearance. I think this may have been a mistake, as the beach ball is the first thing that drew my eye when I flipped the page. I bet the ball originally was a little lower in the picture, but somebody asked "What's with the giant sphere sitting on top of the trees?" This is just the kind of insightful remark you get from visually illiterate people on an advertising committee. So, the ball was painted out, moved up and now the little girl seems like a powerhouse. This is just conjecture. I have no idea how the creation of this ad worked out, really.

The artist is easy to identify on this one. Bruce Bomberger. He was a staff illustrator on a bunch of magazines around The Fifties. Here's a page full of his pieces that sold at auction. Nice stuff, but the final prices aren't listed. Boo. I didn't bother to check, but I'm sure you can find lots of eBay listings selling pages of Bruce's work, cut out of magazines and going for $10 a sheet.

This ad reminds us how spoiled we are with horsepower these days. The V-8s available in these cars had between 162 and 180 ponies, which is about what you can expect from a four-cylinder these days. There's more to a car's appeal than sheer power, of course, but these cars must have been a little pokey off the line, even compared to a Corolla. Still, I reckon more than a few readers would happily trade their current transportation appliance for one of these ancient Chevys.

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New on the Market - Disclaimers for your modern life.

Heavy duty Masonite pegboard supports up to 600 lbs per wall, frees up floor space. Can also support trouser fly for "greedy butt" look. Manufacturer not responsible for unrelated sterility issues.

New portable Magnus chord organ works on ordinary wall current. Stand sold separately. Disclaimer: Manufacturer not responsible for care, feeding of stand, education of stand, or emotional stress of stand due to fatigue, frustration, or physical impairment of stand due to duties of stand. Also, you cannot petition the Lord with music. Also also, you cannot petition the Ceiling with music. You can petition the light fixture with music.

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Anacin - DFH twofer.

Disembodied Floating Head news now, from nineteen fifty-four! Anacin can make your head feel better, no matter how hard you grimace! It gives fast relief from neuritis and neuralgia! How fast? Look at the speed lines coming off the "fast relief" letters. That's pretty damn zippy, people! You'd better get out of the way, or you'll have all your ribs shattered by Anacin's speeding pain relief.

Headache ads never use the words "neuritis" or "neuralgia" any more. Why's that? Well, it seems that neuralgia is basically pain caused by a damaged nerve. And neuritis is - let's see here - pain associated with nerve damage. Good times.

If I had to guess, both of those problems are best treated by actual medical attention, from prescription drugs to surgery, and advertisers decided they were playing with fire to suggest that people would be well advised to just treat their problems with over-the-counter Anacin. In short, I think they were afraid of being sued to death by people who got the idea that Anacin was all they needed to treat their conditions. I can't really prove this, but every ad for headache pills on the old radio shows used to use these two words, and now you never hear them any more. There's probably a good reason, and "lawyer's caution" is the standard motivation that makes companies scale back their claims of product effectiveness.

ANYhoo, it's been a while since we had a Disembodied Floating Head worth speaking of around here, and today's are pretty good. They both have no neck, which makes them super disembodied, and these two are actually useful! One's miserable and the other is right as rain.

Thanks to the P.A.G. X-Acto Knife and Photoshop brigade, we are proud to present to our readers these two DFHs as PNG files, on transparent backgrounds in vivid yellowy-white and gray. These heirloom lady head replicas could sell at auction for - literally - tens of cents. We here at Phil Are GO! are authorized to offer them to you for a limited time at the breathtaking price of nothing much. Please right click and "save as" them onto your hard drive of choice while supplies last. Your mouse is standing by. Big and small versions of each. You're welcome.

Serving suggestions for these DFHs include...

-Copy/pasting them in emails to your children to let them know how irritated (or pleased) you are with them.
-Copy/pasting them in emails to let the water department know how irritated you are with them.
-Copy/pasting them in emails to the local authorities to let them know how irritated you are that they asked you to stop harassing the water department with weird cryptic emails.
-Printing them out and gaffer taping them on the windshield of your congressman's town car, because he or she won't go to bat for you in your battles with local government offices.
-Printing them out and pasting them on the windows of your congressman's house to let him or her know that you know where he or she lives.
-Printing them out and holding them over your face to let the jury know how unhappy you are.
-Wishing you had a computer so you could print or email these DFHs to the warden to show him or her how angry you are that you are not allowed access to a computer in your particular wing of the prison.

...and may more!

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