It's time for the annual Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card get! You'd think Pointy Tree Day was tomorrow if you walk into any store. Pointy Tree Day season is a time of year to abandon shame and taste. There's hardly anything to sell for Thanksgiving, apart from stuffing or maybe those accordionated paper turkey decorations. So, stores just skip right over that bullshit and start hammering the Christmas merchandise on the day after Halloween. Help America abandon taste and destroy perspective by clamoring for your 2014 Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card!
You're bound to have a lot of questions for some reason, so please re-read this FAQ, copied from last year because we're
Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card F.A.Q. (Fervently Aggravated Query).
Q: "How the hell can I get my copy of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?
A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"
A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com
Q: No way am I sending you my address! You'll stalk me!
A: If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.
Q: Do you have any of the older versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day card lying around? Can I get a couple of those?
A: Yeah, we have some of those. If you ask all nice, we'll send an envelope with a few different cards in it while supplies last or until we don't feel like it any more.
Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?
A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts.
Q: Why is the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always something to do with cigarettes? What's your problem?
A: Because advertisers don't dare mix cigarettes and Santa any more. Christmas cigarette ads are funny and inappropriate. On the other hand however, Santa is supposed to be immortal, so he should be able to smoke his brains out, right? In The Night before Christmas, he smoked a pipe with smoke that encircled his head like a wreath or something. When's the last time you saw Santa smoking his pipe in a store ad, or commercial? Santa smoking a cigarette is just frikkin weird. Lastly, if you need to ask why cigarette Christmas ads are funny, you should probably go read The Drudge Report or something, because irony and black humor obviously don't work on you.
Q: Will the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card always be a cigarette ad? No really, what's your problem?
A. No, it won't. If we run out of Christmas cigarette ads, we'll use something else. Also, shut up.