1/13/15

Good Decorating, Section Number A - Some bathrooms.

The Phil Are GO! Garage Sale Assault Squad was tipped off to the location of a cache of Critical Decorating Guides at an out of state church rummage sale. The GSAS was dispatched to the hot zone with extreme prejudice. Let's just say that we acquired the materials, and that church has a lot more to rummage through, now. So, that's a win-win.

Hey, defecators! Are you looking for some decorating ideas for your dumpnasium in 1970? No? Good! Here are some decorating ideas for your dumpnasium from 1970, courtesy of The Practical Encyclopedia of Good Decorating and Home Improvement. They put the "movement" in "home impromovement"! Let's decorate while we defecate!

This bathroom idea features an exotic spanish tile with a pattern that in later years would come to be known as a "magic eye painting". If you defocus your eyes, you just might be able to make out the face of Gabe Kaplan. Or, depending on your eye-defocusment, you might just be able to make out your own deformed, pallid face in the funhouse mirrors. Fortunately, this bathroom has you covered. Once you fill one sink with vomit, you can move over to the other one. Convenience! How do you rinse the barf down the drain? There aren't any faucets, so just install more sinks!
Nothing gives you the confidence to really let fly like absorbent, hard-to-clean cork! Let Napoleon and Napoleon inspire your next strategic movement while the cork walls and lush curtains, printed with a festive handgun pattern, mute all your various noises. Mon Deiu, senor!
This hilarious bathroom will let you enjoy the fun of having a clown smile up at your crotch every time you step out of the shower, without going to a children's birthday party!













This innovative design incorporates a handy clothes washer into your bathroom! Just be ready for visiting relatives to complain about how hard it was to aim into your "funny toilet".


Our refreshing green concept is as light and breezy as all outdoors. The latticed ivy wallpaper lets your whole family live out the universal fantasy of having a dump in the garden.


4 comments:

Richard Mahler said...

I lived through the miasma that was the 70s, but like everyone else I must not have been paying attention. In retrospect, I am appalled that the captains of design did not end up at The Hague for Crimes Against Humanity. The Victorians come in for it because of interior design that feels like a nightmare at a flea market, but like any reign of terror, everyone who lived in the 1970s will not admit to being involved in any way. Collective amnesia. Getting your hands on a wall paper samples book from the period is all the evidence you need. Hold on to your 70s interior design books, Phil, there may yet be trials!

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

The Seventies will be called to account, but I predict that it will escape justice like a special needs child that murders his family. I think The Seventies will become a ward of the state, and other, more functional decades will be forced to pay for its care until it dies of natural causes in a puddle of drool and patchoulli oil.

Jim D. said...

In the 70s' defense I would enter as exhibit A the interiors in Inherent Vice. But I understand the trauma, for I grew up then in a house my mom decorated with whatever Penney's had on clearance. She was on a tiny, tiny budget and she worked hard, but sometimes it made our eyes water and our heads swim. Then came the 80's and we got a wall of mirror tiles in the bathroom, before which stood a 200-gallon aquarium filled with goldfish, and a black-and-white checkerboard floor. The 80's have plenty to answer for too!

Michelle_Randy said...

Bath #1 (aka Mexican Tile): "there aren't any faucets..." - that's a feature, not a bug.
Bath #2 (aka Napoleon): that light fixture will be covered in hair, towel lint, mildew, and moisture within 5 hours of its use.
Bath #3 (aka Clown Bath of Horror): That black duck (is that a duck?) at the end of the row on the tub is the one the kid finds hiding under his bed and then, mysteriously, sitting on the little chair in his bedroom.
Bath #4 (aka How Very European Bath): How very European that they include small appliances in odd space. The brown towels are useful for covering up the fact that you didn't wash yourself very well.
Bath #5 (Wallpaper. In a bathroom Bath): Can you hear that sound from The Future? It's the sound of the people who bought your house cursing you and your descendents for 12 generations for putting wallpaper in a bathroom.

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