4/13/15

Four Roses and the Holy Hand Grenade

Hey Pointy Tree Day shoppers! There's only 255 shopping days left till Annual Seasonal Ordeal of Fake Merriment! Shop shop shop! Four Roses makes a fine Way Too Early For Christmas Gift to yourself!

Well, probably. I've never had the stuff, but if it showed up on the doorstep in a basket, wrapped in swaddling clothes, I would definitely adopt the hell out of it. Well, my belly would adopt the hell out of it... after the results came back from the lab, verifying that it hadn't been cut with Drano or, god forbid, Red Bull.

Whiskey is a - Hey, what the eff is that round doohickey in the picture? It looks like that thing in all the old paintings of royal fancy guys in leotards looking very nonchalant that their clothes are made out of curtains.


NOT King Charles. His Majesty Lord King Superfancy Tin Pants, the Fancy.



Yeah, that thing. Okay, they're not the same. The thing in the ad is probably some kind of old-timey  Pointy Tree Day ornament, made of cigar boxes and Jolly Ranchers. Note to self: have an intern make a note to use Jolly Ranchers as pretend gems on some kind of holiday festoonery this year.









Okay. So now, what the eff is the wind-up baseball in all the old royal paintings? Phil Are GO! research and Googling Squad... ACTIVATE! PKSHEEOW!

Apparently the pointless geegaw is The Sovereign's Orb, created in 1661 for the coronation of King Charles II (not pictured at left), and it cost the equivalent of 142 thousand pounds, or, translated into money, $207,438.57. Wowzers. I'm sure the British Kingdom was doing really well in 1661 and could totally afford a useless symbol like that.

Wait. It gets better. The Soveriegn's Orb's design is called a "globus cruciger", meaning "ball with cross stuck on it". It's is supposed to symbolize Christ's dominance over the world, held in the hand of an Earthly ruler. Fuck. You. Aah yes. The separation of Church and state: a crucial pillar of any civilized system of government... or, as the Church of England in 1661 and the American conservative movement of the year 2015 call it, "The blah de blah blah of blah de blah."

Religions and nations just love love luuuuuuv symbols. They're an excellent way to A) piss away massive amounts of money for nothing and/or B) create an excuse to commit indescribable crimes against humanity for nothing. This particular symbol calls for some right-on satirization, but please remain seated. Monty Python beat us to it, way back in 1975 in their movie about the Holy grail. Arthur and his knights find themselves at the mouth of the Cave of Caerbannog, and do battle with the Killer Rabbit of Caerbannog (natch). To defeat the rabbit, they bring out the Holy Hand Grenade, which looks exactly like the globus cruciger.

First, the scripture as read from the Book of Armaments, chapter 2, verses 9 to 21:

And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, "O LORD, bless this Thy hand grenade that with it Thou mayest blow Thine enemies to tiny bits, in Thy mercy." And the LORD did grin and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals, and fruit bats and large chu.... And the LORD spake, saying, "First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who being naughty in My sight, shall snuff it.

Also, it shall be written that the chant "pie jesu domine, dona eis requiem" translates as "Oh Lord, let them rest." Thank you, the Pythons.





1 comments:

Jim D. said...

My kids have seen this movie, but they still don't know why I tell them, every morning, "Five is right out." Was my ex-wife wrong to drink Four Roses while pregnant with them?

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