Begin by harvesting crater mite larvae from your local scorched, uninhabitable crater! Remain motionless for not less than six hours, and crater mite larvae will emerge from subterranean burrows to eat your flesh! The joke will be on them, as you seize them in your mighty claws, flinging them into your larvae bucket! Return to your base, and lightly kill your crater mite larvae with a mite mallet, placing them in a level three containment field while you prepare the bundt cake pan!
Seize a bundt cake pan and slather the interior with food-grade dietary lubricant! Then, pour in an introductory layer of multipurpose protein gelatin! Allow the introductory layer to set, then add the crater mite larvae, arranging them in a delightful fashion, as shown in the image above! Observe delight now!
On top of the larval layer, add chunks of adult crater mite meat! Whoops! Go back to the scorched, uninhabitable crater and capture an adult crater mite, first! I am sorry! Fill the bundt cake pan to the rim with the remaining multipurpose protein gelatin! Allow this preparation to become firm, over a period of one pathetic Earth hour in a refrigeration unit, or outside the hull of your ship! The firming process may be accelerated by shouting at it!
Present this to your young and / or troopers while screaming the Song of Grinding With Teeth, and watch them cower with joy!
I am Oteogg! I have spoken!
I am Oteogg! I have spoken!
You will require approximately 200 suckers for my sucker dome! I have found that all creatures found in Space have suckers, but they are most easily obtained from space rabbits, whose tentacles are over forty Earth-feet long and whose breath weapon is an unpleasant toxic gas! Beware! They have over twenty hit dice! Seek them in their subterranean lairs from orbit, in your favorite gunship. Strafe them with projectile weapons to slow them down, but if you finish them with energy-based attacks, the heat will save you time in the kitchen by beginning the cooking process even before you land your ship! We all know how valuable time is when you're a busy mother! Agree or be destroyed!
Collect the space rabbit suckers before they can regain consciousness and slow your retreat with their psionic attacks! If your skull is like mine, it is cartilaginous, leaving you prone to mental assault! Just you wait, space rabbits! Soon we will have specially shielded helmets, when our civilization has adequately researched the technology of theta wave interference meshes! Just you wait! At such a a time, we will gank the crap out of your subterranean lairs!
Anyway! Deposit the suckers in a cake vessel! If you do not have a cake vessel, simply secure a sheet pan and bend it around your head - or, if you're thinking very clearly - around someone else's head, perhaps in insolent officer! Or, just use a standard issue bucket, if you must be boring! This should provide you an appropriate cake vessel! Arrange the suckers on the walls of the bucket / cake vessel! If your gunship's weapons have not charred them too badly, they should still be moist enough to stick to the walls of their own volition! Failing this, you may use honey! Delicious either way!
Once your cake vessel / bucket is lined with suckers, pour in a standard almond cake mix, such as can be acquired at any properly stocked spaceport. If you are pressed for time, simply dock your ship at the spaceport and stride out the airlock screaming "I REQUIRE ALMOND CAKE MIX OR BE DESTROYED!" Consider firing your sidearm randomly in all directions for added urgency! Security forces should bring you cake mix in short order! Be sure they have brought you almond cake mix. If not, try shouting "CHOCOLATE!?!? ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME!?!? I'M ALLERGIC TO CHOCOLATE, PATHETIC CREATURES!!! ALMOND CAKE MIX OR BE DESTROYED!!!! You may then devour the chief of security to make an example of him! Almond cake mix secured, disengage your ship from the spaceport - or don't, if you're in a hurry - and retreat to a safe orbit! You can jettison the spaceport lock ring assembly, debris, bulkhead fragments, bodies, and extraneous security personnel on the way to save time! Prepare the cake mix and pour it in the cake vessel!
Place the cake vessel in a preheated oven set to 6300 degrees for six seconds! Try not to overbake! Remove and place in a crucible to cool for twenty-four Earth-hours! Try not to burn yourself! For safety, destroy any personnel who come near the kitchen during the cooling process! When cool, invert the cake vessel and shake out the sucker dome! If it sticks, try shouting!
Now is the time to summon your family for the consuming of sucker dome! CONSUME! RECIPE ENDS!
I AM OTEOGG! I HAVE SPOKEN!
|Click for larger image! Or are you a coward?|
If you are like me, Oteogg - Conqueror of All Space, you know the difficulties of discovering adequate nutrition in the form of proteinous vegetative organisms on the various moons of Strubb, as it is with the moons of all the planets in the large Magellanic cloud! One does not wish to be deployed in the Large Magellanic Cloud for extended periods with insufficient provisions I can tell you! Graaaah!
|The large Magellanic Cloud. Easy parking day and night.|
You creatures will shower me with your gratitude and prostrate yourselves before me when I show you how to make Meat Pods!
Many species do not know of the nutritive qualities of the Strubbian Pod tree, a commonly found vegetable in the northern regions of the moons of Strubb! Begin by locating and destroying a pod tree. Then, while it is still warm, sever the pods from the branches with a standard energy-based sidearm. Do not use a projectile weapon or saw to sever the pods, for the sap of the pod tree is flammable, corrosive, and has an unpleasant flavor. An energy weapon such as a combat laser or ordinary laser spatula cauterizes the tissues of the pod tree as it cuts, preventing issue of the potentially explosive and non-delicious juices. Withhold your eagerness to smash the pods, revealing the meat within! They must be roasted before they will relinquish their meat! of course, a mere plant does not know that resistance is futile! Also, ignore the cries of the tree! It is pathetic and unworthy!
Roast the pods over a burning village set to medium heat. If the dwellings are of a wood-like construction, be sure to keep the meat pods slightly higher above the flames to prevent scorching! If two Earth-days pass and the pods are still firm to the touch, consider setting fire to a few extra farms to speed cooking.
In the fullness of time, your pods shall become slightly soft. The time has now come to consume! Open the pods with a knife, hatchet, or shard of broken window and extract the meat with your various mouth parts! Let the weak be fed after the strong have had their fill! Twenty pods serves a family of six entities!
I am Oteogg! I have spoken!
My adventures have shown me the wisdom of choosing to cook using humans. They are rarely well-conditioned for battle and seem to reproduce in large numbers at any convenience, rather than at preordained optimal biological cycles. The fools! If choosing humans for your meat disc of adequate nutrition, endeavor to harvest them during their nocturnal somnolent phase. They are less resistant to conquering during this time. Additionally, you will find the humans to be more savory upon consumption if you scare them before preparation. Humans are most easily frightened by utterances of a single syllable at very high volumes. Appropriate volume for frightening humans is slightly above what I would call a "conversational bellow". My most successful syllable is "GRAAAAHHH". Scare to taste with syllable of your choice!
Place your creature meat into a freshly cleansed compression cylinder, such as may be found in the hydraulics bay of your starship. The pressures required to actuate standard starship landing gear (530 pounds per square Earth-inch) are also very nearly ideal for creature meat compression. If you are are accustomed to the cuisine of the northern reaches of the Spyuff mountains on the second moon of Ixst, you may also choose to leave your compression cylinder in an un-cleansed state, for the various flavors that hydraulic fluid imparts to your creature meat. Those entities of Ixst really know how to wantonly celebrate! They are aware of their identities!
After two standard lunar orbits, test your meat disc with a claw. If the meat is insolent or is too soft, compress an additional lunar cycle or until meat disc has learned some manners. The meat disc can be difficult to extract from the compression cylinder. If I am extremely hungry or merely impatient, I prefer to simply crash the ship into a convenient planetoid, extricating the newly-formed meat disc from the wreckage. Destruction of a perfectly serviceable starship is also a delightful excuse to serve canapes and get in some additional shouting.
Locate meat disc among the wreckage and messily devour! Alternately, meat discs of adequate nutrition of this nature can be stored for many lunar cycles, providing convenient energy to all your metabolic functions on your longest forced marches across surfaces of varied conditions!
When served as the centerpiece to a gala luncheon, the meat disc goes well with chardonnay, strawberry spritzer, or hydrogen. Do not plan to accommodate leftovers! All fragments of the meat disc of adequate nutrition shall form an accretion disc spiraling rapidly into your guests' toothy maws with no hope of escape! You shall see!
Recipe complete! I am Oteogg! Hear me!