7/27/17

7/26/17

Fetish Guesser


7/24/17

The Brain Machine

Joke #1 - Sister Mary Rupert lowered the Cranial Sin Collector Dish into place. "When the sedative takes effect, we'll know if you really have Jesus in your heart, as you claim, or if your dreams are just full of bouncing breasts, pert buttocks and soft, warm vaginas."

Joke #2 - "This large dish goes on your head, of course, and the two sockets... well, you don't want to know where they go. And enough of your whining already! You should have thought of this before you had a cavity."

Joke #3 - "If you start to feel a slight paralyzing sensation, just call out to us with your thoughts, and we'll come running in.... unless the machine isn't amplifying your thoughts correctly... the first symptom of which is near total paralysis of the subject. Okay! Ready to begin?"

Joke #4 - "Yes! The correct answer was 'Deuteronomy', and while you did say 'Deuteronomy', you were actually thinking 'Leviticus'. So, that means we now move on to the special Punishment Round! And since it's Good Friday, this is an audience participation event!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

7/20/17

Kensitas - Never heard of them. "That's good!"

Who-sitas? Kensitas. Sorry, never heard of them. That's because I'm a yank, and Kensitas is a Scottish-owned UK-only brand of cigarette. Yes, "is". Turns out they're still around, and probably still rhyming it up somewhere. They sure are rhyming it up a bit in this ad, found in a 1952 copy of Picture Post.

Yep, 1952 sure loved itself some rhyming ads. The hope was that an ad in catchy limerick form would stick in the mind in the same way that "Blimey, I'm addicted to nicotine. I need a cigarine!" sticks in the mind. Incidentally, "cigarine" is a cockney blithering gibberish rhyming slang for "cigarette" that I just made up.

This ad shows us all three types of Englishperson, each with very strong opinions about Kensitas. Spoiler alert - they like Kensitas:






The tousled but pretty ex-con who still wears the handcuffs of her arrest as a reminder of what she is willing do for a Kensitas. Her waist is the same diameter as her head, which not only indicates that she could easily wear the handcuffs as a belt, but also shows us that you really can smoke yourself thin - "That's good!"







The merry seaside deck chair rentsman, played tonight by John Cleese, who judges seaside visitors by whether they smoke Kensitas, or are "a right bastard, that one". Don't cross the chair rentsman. Your bum is in his hands. "That's good!"






The grizzled old sea captain, who once had something on his mind, but that was ever such a long time ago. He always keeps a Kensitas wedged between his teeth and lip, somehow. You may think he's steering the boat, and that the helm just drifts artfully out of the image, but nope. That's his entire boat now. Hey, didn't he set sail with a full crew aboard his vessel? Never you mind. Stare into the emptiness of his briney blue gaze and know that the sea keeps her secrets. "That's good!"







Bet you didn't notice, but each of the three types of Englishperson are 1000 pixel square images, if you click through them. This means you can save them for use as your personal profile picture in whatever it is the kids are using to yammer back and forth at each other about last night's episode of 13 Reasons Why when they should be watching for the light to turn green again. Put your fucking phone down and drive your fucking car, you narcissistic prick!

Aaaanyway, you're welcome for your new avatar/profile picture! "That's good!"




7/18/17

7/17/17

Beard Collector