B-58 Buick - This is your father's Oldsmobuick.

In one of the Fletch movies (I can't remember which and I don't care enough to rewatch them), Fletch refers to an old car as an "Oldsmobuick". I can't tell old cars apart, just by the design of their byzantine front ends or by the shape of their cathedral-like tail fins. Sure is a sparkly grille, though.

In '58, Buick was pushing the aeronautic angle really hard. They keep mentioning their use of "aluminum brakes" and the design of the car pulls heavily from airplane designs of the time.

Aluminum was associated with airplanes. It sounded super high-tech. So, Buick was very keen to make the association by name-dropping the material four times. Any engineer reading this ad copy may get a mild heart attack reading "aluminum brakes". They really should have explained what part of the brakes were aluminum. You definitely don't want the brake rotors to be aluminum, as they would have a terrible service life. They wouldn't stand up to the heating and physical abuse. The aluminum was probably used in the brake calipers. Those are the clamps that hold the pads that squeeze the rotors, and that makes more sense.

Aluminum is still only gradually finding its way into mass production vehicles. Lots of cars make us of aluminum in the suspension components, due to the lightness and anti-rustyness of aluminum, down there where the sun don't shine. Aluminum is one of the most common elements on the planet, but it's still more expensive to produce than steel, because to make useable aluminum from it's naturally-occurring form of bauxite, requires huge amounts of electricity.

Auto makers still borrow the image of trendy materials today. Carbon fiber is the new high-tech wonder material that product managers love to seem to put in their cars. See, CF is still too expensive for mass market cars, but the distinctive black woven pattern that reminds you of carbon fiber can be found all over modern cars. Interior surfaces often have the look of black and grey checked patterns to borrow some of the cache' of the super-expensive material. You can even buy rolls of adhesive vinyl in a fake carbon fiber pattern and stick it on your car. Guys with backwards baseball hats will tell you this makes the car faster.

Gratuitous 3D printing. This will get worse before it gets better.

So what's going to be the new trendy look? Hard to say. 3D printing is up and coming right now, and people have always loved frivolous decoration for the sake of it, like we see on the front of the Buick in this ad. Maybe it will soon be fashionable for parts of your car to have the pointlessly ornate look of 3D printed-ness? Man, I hope not. But of course, that means it will happen. Maybe you're jealous of the fettuccine shoes in the picture above? You may be in luck. Hang on tight, because you might get to have a whole car that looks like it was made out of string.


Gronk You Answer - Stock!StockStock!

Linda wang say...

Dear manager,
Many thanks for your time to read my email.
This's Linda, i learnt you from internet, we are a supplier of grains and oil in China mainland.
The main product include: beans, nuts, seeds&kernels, grains, edible cooking oil, canned food...etc, with high quality and good price, welcome you to choose.
If you are interested, pls contact me with no hesitation.

Linda wang
Jilin Tian’En Grain and Oil Imp & Exp Co.,Ltd

Thank for letter, capital Linda small Wang. First, Gronk want say that everyone need somebody. So, it good to see that you belong to This. I hope This treat you right. Maybe some day you stop being capital Linda small Wang and blossom into capital Linda capital Wang.

Gronk eat lots of thing in Gronk day. Extra hand that viking not using any more. Cat that Gronk found under other cat. Chalupa. But Gronk got to draw line somewhere. Gronk not interested in eat good price bean or nut from China. Gronk not crazy. But Gronk wonder about quality of good price imp. Gronk not have imp in long time. How much for imp?


Me gronk

boneza say...

From: bozena
Subject: HELLO
Did you receive my previous mail?

Thank for letter, boneza. Yes, Gronk receive you previous mail. It delicious. But Gronk still not ready for relationship.

Me Gronk.

Dasiy say...

Good day!Stock!Stock!Stock!
With promotion pricingWe are electronic cigarette factory. Pls check following our electronic cigarette price.
Windrose mod $19.8
HARIBON 18650 MOD $14.5
Corsair mod $14.9
manhattan MOD $13.65
Windrose mod $19.9
GIVO Mod $16.5
26650 Big nasty $15.9
Waitting for your further inquiry .

Best Regards,

Thanks for letter, Dasiy!Stock!Stock!Stock! Yes, Gronk need electronic cigarette. Gronk VCR not have good smoke in long time. VCR is jonesing big time! Can't concentrate or play Mama's Family tape any more! HAW HAW! BAH HAH HAH HAH hahahahaha! Gronk zing you good!



New ideas and tips... from science!

New radial arm drill press is radial, is on arm. Also compatible with non-gigantic trousers.

Paint brush ferrule can be used as leather punch. May require development of new, sturdier, sharper paint brushes.

Otherwise useless air from stupid, pointless spare tire can finally be used to power crucial, very important windscreen wiper.


Lucozade - The sparkling glucose drink.

Excitement, readers! There is finally a way to get glucose without a prescription! Lucozade!

Lucozade was originally formulated by English chemist William Owen, who was trying to "create a source of energy for those who were sick with common illnesses". So... sugar water. Lucozade is still around, but since 1952, has re-marketed itself as a "sports drink" to get away from the negative imagery of being "for sick people". One might say they have simply re-aimed their marketing at "gullible people". You can see the seeds of this truly clever idea in the imagery of this old ad. See the two happy, energetic people presumably having just played tennis? Sporty!

Interestingly, the Wikipedia page on Lucozade has a link to this Telegraph article about the bogusness of sports drinks, and how the sugar in them generally cancels out any benefit of exercise recently completed. Articles I've read in bicycling magazines always say the same thing: water is better and sports drinks are pointless. Additionally, a common thread in "sports drinks evaluation roundup" articles is this: Yes, elite athletes physically stressed to the very brink of exhaustion can possibly be dangerously short on glucose, but short of a marathon, your average person shuffling along a lakeshore path has never been - nor are they likely to ever be - in such a state.

But never mind that. Clip art time! You're going to need the right recovery drink after right clicking the hell out of this sporty picture of two people having recently played a spot of tennis. You're welcome!

Click for big.

Click for big.


Bronco Toilet Paper - "Injurious matter".

There's a brand of toilet paper running commercials with animated bears in them. The company would very much like you to be horrified if your toilet paper leaves a few fibers of paper on your butt, Quoth the cartoon bear at finding out, "Eew! I don't want that on me!" This is not new. Bronco toilet paper, way back in 1947, seemed very concerned that you may have "injurious matter" in your toilet paper. Like what? Surplus blasting caps? Nazis? Mussolini?

How vulnerable are the butts of the free world to foreign invasion? What's the worst that could happen? Your backside's not exactly a delicate snowflake. What's grosser than poo? Type "contaminated toilet paper" into a search box and enjoy your afternoon. Also consider that, before your TP meets its final destiny where the sun don't shine, it does spend a few critical moments in your hand. I suppose it's a fair expectation that your toilet paper be something close to sterile, as pointless as that sounds.

Art criticism time! File under "broken perspective". Look at the sink in the illustration. That's the angle of view you'd get from about five feet off the floor. Either that girl is the largest toddler in history or the sink is about 14 inches high. Something to think about next time you're on the Seat of Power.

Here's the star of today's baffling illustration lifted gently from her native ad. Maybe she'll come in handy next time you need to put a sign on the door at work, to remind the filthy animals to flush the toilet, or consider washing their hands before they return to the task of performing heart surgery. You're welcome!

Click for big.

Click for big.


Elephant tricks.

Dear readers,

We have concocted a brief list of quips that the figures in the below-presented Illustration may be saying, or may be said about them. We think you and your family will find our japes witty and hilarious!

Jape #1 - "Using only this elephant, I have bagged an elephant!"

Jape #2 - "O! Jumbo! That's no stool!"

Jape #3 - My word, good sir! Your elephant seems to have a deleterious case of "elephant ear"! Ho ho ho ho ho!

Jape #4 - Is that the elephant's tail, or has he had a bowel-movement on the other's head?

Jape #5 - But sir, that's not how elephants rut! It shall take a long time to make a baby elephant in such a manner!

Jape #6 - Said the prone elephant, "I think I can hear a distant rumbling."

Jape #7 - It's fortunate that circus animals aren't fed spicy foreign food, isn't it?

Jape #8 - It is a wonder that elephants don't destroy us all.

Jape #9 - My friend, I believe your circus needs more attractions!

Jape #10 - If you look closely, the gentleman in the drawing isn't holding down the elephant by mean strength. There's an elephant helping him.

Jape #11 - Sometimes, elephants wish they could forget.

Jape #11 was quipped by new frequent reader Mat Black, a bawdy jokester if there ever was one! - Despite numerous political connections, the Governor General was quietly replaced after reports of his Inter-species menage a trois began circulating in Parliament. "Old Peanut Bottom" lived out the remainder of his life in relative obscurity as a roust-about for the Ringling Brothers.

[Quips submitted by our Dear Readers shall be included in the Picto-Post.  -Mgmt.]
Click your Indicator-Puck for an Enlargement.


Tanky Manfield

Joke #1 - Gary was supposed to come in when the street lights came on, but he didn't listen. So now dad got out the tank.

Joke #2 - Al-Qaeda's devastating roadside IED vest.

Joke #3 - Testing new tanks capable of scaling the steepest hippie.

Mrs. Bug wasted no time in joking us up a number four today. Thanks, Mrs. B! - GM finally got fed up with those Negative Nancys over at Consumer Reports and decided enough was enough.

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[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]