8/4/15

A Little Art


Joke #1 - "Our next item, lot number 418, a painting by Bernard DeCoque - 'Bunch of Very Fancy Guys Dressed Like Adam Ant'. It is one of the artists bravest explorations into the basics of perspective and profoundly questions the very fundamentals of light and shade. We will start the bidding at eight pesos. Do I hear nine? Oh come on, it comes with a wall. Eight and a half?"

Joke #2 - "I swear, if I hear one more person question our financial discipline, I will beat them with a gigantic painting. Is that clear?"

Joke #3 - "Due to unforeseen budgetary shortfalls, we will be forced to discontinue all police programs, education efforts, sewage system repairs, and transportation expenditures. These austerity measures will take effect immediately after the dedication of our neat new mural tomorrow evening."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


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8/3/15

The Horseless Telegraph

Joke #1 - "Hah! There. I told you, Mavis. Tomorrow is trash day."

Joke #2 - Mavis needn't have called the police. It turns out Jasper's spare moustache was on his head all along.

Joke #3 - The world's first practitioner of "smug". Previous to that, it was simply called "being an insufferable jackanapes".

Joke #4 - Mavis wished ever so much that Jasper would find a different way of letting her know he was feeling randy.

Joke #5 - "Mavis, I've just heard about a new use for those old sheep intestines that keep piling up. Guess what I'm wearing!"

Joke #6 - Mavis jumped. The infernal contraption worked! Now they'd be able to find out about the Hindenburg disaster, the sinking of the Titanic, the R101 disaster, World War II, and prohibition literally days before their neighbors.

Joke #7 - Mavis' hand trembled as she held the receiver. The voice on the horseless telegraph said those sideburns were coming from inside the house!"

Joke #8 - Jasper beamed. The infernal contraption worked! Probably via witchcraft or demons, of course. He'd have to find out how to check the demon inside it, and he'd probably have to keep a supply of fresh demons in the closet to keep it running, but this was the way out of the dark ages, after all.

Joke #9 comes to us all the way from Mr. FancyAnusPants_2, who could not stop if he wanted to. Thanks, MFAP! - Joke #9 - Mavis was horrified by the stench. She now knew exactly where Jasper had been hiding the earpiece!!


[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

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7/30/15

Ancient Birthday / Deathday cards

Denizens of The Future. Please enjoy these ossified birthday cards from the turn of the (previous) century. They're mean for birthdays, but they look downright funerial compared to our modern birthday cards, which tend to lean toward the hysterically giddy in style.

So you can send these to people for their birthday, or, with some light alteration of the text in Popular Image Editing Software of your choice, mail them to your loved ones' zombie / shade / spectre / lich / ghoul / skeleton warrior / wight or good old vampire. I'm sue he / she / it will be very touched you thought of them.

This one is from Aunt Hattie to Ferdinand.... Jalu?... of Princeton, Wisconsin. It was printed in Germany, so the sender and lucky birthday boy could easily have been recent emigrants.
These merry little fellows might be planning to invade Poland as they pose for this painting.








This card was sent to.... Wen Baswell? of Colchester Vermont in 1912, I think. The design does us the favor of including a clock, to make sure we don't overlook the inexorable toll of the bell chipping away the remaining hours of our life. Happy birthday, Wen! I'll tell you wen: soon. very soooooon!



"Good luck S. J Aeken, on your upcoming race at the Churchill Downs! Hope that hoof is feeling better. We'd hate to have to shoot you. And, happy birthday! Love, Mrs. C.C. Peltr....ruh... whatever my name is." ...Possibly dies while filling it out, and then shambles off to the mail box as a newly minted wight, to send birthday race greetings to one lucky horse. History is a weird, freaky tapestry.

7/29/15

7/27/15

Hall of Heads, Pt. 7 - An duel!!!

It's been a while since we crowned, with honor and laurels, a Disembodied Floating Head in the Hall of heads. Today, we bring you two plucky young hopefuls, eager to be immortalized for all of the times. Interestingly, today's bout is a duel! Let's meet the contenders!


In this corner, we have the terrifying B.L. Mellinger, of Mellinger Imports. Westwood Boulevard couldn't hold him. Los Angeles couldn't scare him. Mellinger's going to disembody himself and float all over your face. let's see what this kid's got!






He's got no neck. That's a strong start for this darty little head. Also, don't overlook the weird ink-bleedy stroke around him, and the overall darkness of his tonality, making his halftone dot pattern more of a screen door. Man, it's like he's just floating outside your kitchen patio, wondering if he can come in and have an onion. Man, that's creepy. The creep factor is only slightly let down by the fact that he's managing a half-assed benevolent smile. That's not quite a game face, Mellinger, but let's see what your opponent's got for us...



Well, that little kid has a complete body and a flotation device, so she can't possibly be our fighter. But what's this over on the right? The Beaconlite Streamline Auto and Boat Compass? The crowd gasps, and the officials rush to check the regulations as this surprise contender bursts from the page with all the bravado of a sextant! Whoosh!






Ladies and gentlemen, the Beaconlite Streamline Auto and Boat Compass isn't even a human... or a sentient creature for that matter! That's creeeeepy! No neck to hold it back! No face to help you relate to it; just an ovoid bubble revealing the whirling ball within, which probably points north several times per day. In fact, it's kind of got a Daft Punk thing going on!

This DFH is a shock to the Disembodied Floating head Fighting World, head fans! Mellinger's out of sorts! The crowd  is all about the disturbing inanimate newcomer. Mellinger stumbles from the ring in disgrace as the referee fails to raise the hand of the Beaconlite Streamline Auto and Boat Compass! Winner!



7/24/15

Road America, The Hawk, 2015 - Part 4

Today it's just tracking shots. We were down into the center of the nearly completely circular turn they call The Carousel and lay in wait for our quarry. Slowly, they came. Well, not really. Kind of fast, actually. Quietly, they stalked through the Johnsonville Brat bridge. Well, really they were pretty loud, compared to almost anything you could think of. Anyway, here they are.

Exposure was way blown out. Colors were weird. Lots of correction was needed in developing the RAWs into jpegs. The "recovery" slider basically saved all these from being total trash. I've tried it twice, and I don't think I like this lens any more. Better next time for sure!














Here's the Lister again. The camera loves the Lister.