10/1/14

Gane Air Flow Needle - Possibly does a thing!

Automotive news now, from 1950. Get ready to holy shit yourself, motorists! Some people who use a thing report different gas mileage than other people!

Miracle mileage extenders are still made today, and why not? We're still making dopey people, aren't we? They need an outlet for their dopeyness. Here's Jalopnik's list of ten of the worst bogus mileage boosting products still sold today.

The Gane Air Flow Needle is supposed to improve your gas mileage. I haven't tested one, but it has all the earmarks of bogusness. Plus, there's the likelihood that, if this doohickey did what it claims, the cars would be engineered with one already. The auto industry is competitive, and as such, employes really smart engineers who are always looking for an edge over their competition. cars are pretty much tuned to the limits of technology and production budgets. if a two dollar screw-in needle could boost mileage 25%, it would be in there.

Note that nowhere in this ad does it make a promise of actual performance. It uses the lawyer-safe phrases of "up to 25%" and "some users report". These statements are not falsifiable or meaningful in any real way. Know what number technically falls within the description of "up to 25%"? Zero does. Users may actually report improved mileage. They may also report that their neighbor is a lizard alien. Wording like this sounds like actual evidence, but it doesn't actually mean anything. Language like this is still the gold standard for B.S. gimmicks. Look for them on your favorite UHF rerun of the day!

But hey, let's not overlook the implicit bigotry of the art in this ad. Did you spot it? That's right! It's one of our favorite nearly-obsolete bigotries, the old "Scots are stingy" prejudice, as previously reported here and here. See the letters at the top of the ad? the ones that say "SAVE GAS?"? They're not painted plaid on accident. Someone went to the trouble of simulating a tartan pattern in those letters because, as every racist old-world cracker from 1950 can tell you, Scottish people are cheap, so they would be interested in saving money on gas. Clever, right?

Click for big.
This ad also had a little flippy overleaf thing with some decent clip art of a man pointing at us. He's very compelling, even if his hand is strangely undersized. Be careful what you allow him to make you do! Better yet, point him at other people to make them do things.

"You there. Yes, you! Don't notice my freakishly tiny hand, but click for my bigness."


Click for big.

9/30/14

Little Ads from 1931 - Opportunities and tips!


"Our modern method guarantees approval." ...if you approve of incredible racism.


Simpsons clip of "saxamaphone, saxamaphoooone" not available. Ah well.

"Sept, 1931. Re-vulcanized tires, put new handle on engine crank, re-filled molasses reservoir, topped off driving-whiskey flask. Note to self: buy a piece of paper, or loose-leaf drywall."

9/26/14

Gronk You Answer - Nag nag nag.

Today we're letting Gronk answer a few of your emails, so get ready for some answers, because it's time for Gronk You Answer!
David I am Not Spamming say...



Dear owner of phil-are-go.blogspot.com,
I’m sure you have been contacted in this matter many times before but our value proposition is much different. We show the client results before we ask for any further commitment. As a business owner you might be interested to gain profit by placing your website among top in search engines. Your website needs immediate improvement for some major issues with your website.
-Low online presence for many competitive keyword phrases
-Unorganized social media accounts
-Not compatible with all mobile devices
-Many bad back links to your website
I have selected your website phil-are-go.blogspot.com and prepared a FREE website audit report. This is for you, completely free at no charge. If my proposal sound's interesting for your business goal, feel free to email me, or can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you. I am also available for an online meeting to present you this website audit report.
I look forward to hearing from you - thanks!
Best Regards,
David
Marketing Consultant
PS: I am not spamming. I have studied your website, prepared an audit report and believe I can help with your business promotion. If you still want us to not contact you, you can ignore this email or ask to remove and I will not contact again.


Gronk not know if you have relationship or not, David Not Spamming, but Gronk can say from experience that it bad idea to say "improvement for some major issues" in opening paragraph. You not winning Gronk over. Then offer to audit Gronk? Guess what, Mister Not Spamming? Audit delete key! GRAH HAH HAH HAH HAH!

Thank you for letter. Me Gronk.

Sharmarj say...


hello,
if we give you large order can it have effect on price? please send us your price with refrence of big order.
Because if your price is good i we my purchase order in my next mail.
thank you
Sharmarj
Trading Director
Mobile: +1-3241219008

Thank you for letter, Sharmarj. You bet if give large order it effect price! Small order, small price. Big order, big price. You expect Gronk charge less for more? Gronk think you not understand difference between big and small... just like you not understand when to capitalize small letter! GRAH HAH HAH! Here business tip from Gronk: big letters same price as small letters! Boom! Gronk zing you! 

"I we my" look forward to next letter from Sharmarj! BAH hah hah hah!

Me Gronk.


Jamie say...

Hey Bhakti!!

Bhakti?

My name is Jamie Paulsen, and I’m a community manager for Fanatics; the leading online retailer for everything sports, specializing in apparel for all of your favorite teams. I came across your blog recently and really loved your unique sense of fashion. When getting ready for the big game we know that everyone has their own sense of style, and we want to see what yours is all about. As fall approaches the tailgating begins, and we need to look cute for every occasion. We want to see your game day outfit!

We’re asking a select group of other bloggers to grab an image of an NFL jersey of the team of your choosing from our NFL Jerseys page and, using up to 7 additional pieces of clothing (or accessories), build your perfect game day ensemble!

Are you up for tackling the challenge? Let me know ASAP and I can send you more information! If you have any questions, feel free to give me a shout!

Jamie

Information contained in this e-mail message is confidential. This e-mail message is intended only for the personal use of the recipient(s) named above. If you are not an intended recipient, do not read, distribute or reproduce this transmission (including any attachments). If you have received this email in error, please immediately notify the sender by email reply and delete the original message.
 
Thank you for letter, Jamie. See how easy to get someone name right? Sport team like practice a lot, Gronk hear. Maybe you enjoy practice typing name? Time to suit up for name practice, Jamie.

Give Gronk G!

"JEEEE!"

Give Gronk R!

"ARRRRR!"

Give Gronk O!

"OOOHHHH!"

Give Gronk N!

"ENNNNNN!"

Give Gronk K!

"KAYYYYYY!"

What that spell?

"YOU GO FUCK SELF! HOORAY!"

Thank you for letter, Jamie Paulsen. Next time Gronk punch you in elevator.



9/25/14

Delta Sandals - Off-Season Santa.

Let's check in with 1947 to see what it has to say for itself. "Sandals!". All right, then. Sandals. Their called "lah-", uuh, "Lah-zenge?" "Lah-seas?" Oh. "lazeez", like "lazy". I get it. Shoes for relaxing. That shouldn't have been so much work to read your stupid shoe name.

Two things. Thing 1: All my grownup friends abandoned cursive (script) writing as soon as they left school, because it's not faster and it's harder to read, even when you're good at it. If you're going to put an unfamiliar word in your ad, don't put it in script. No one will be able to read it. Thing 2: Companies love to trademark words by spelling them wrong. Often, this actually makes them harder to understand, like when they're spelled out phonetically, like "lazees". Plus, it propagates ignorance. People are shit spellers as it is, and advertising isn't helping.

This ad is from a 1947 issue of Picture Post, which you will remember is that British magazine. So, it may seem ironic that this ad wants us to plan for sunny days. I'm sure England gets some sun here and there, but, you know the stereotype.

Is that guy with the pots an elf or a gnome? Maybe he's just some guy? he kind of looks like Santa Claus in the off season, doing up his garden. Oh yeah, here's a top tip to help you understand the English. They call their yard a "garden", whether or not it has a flower bed in it. The whole grassy area behind the house is the garden. Maybe even the front yard, too. English people, we in the colonies call our garden "the yard". "Font yard", "back yard". The "garden" is a smaller space with flowers or vegetables growing in it. Not everybody that has a yard has a garden. Also, some people's whole yard is filled with garden. You're welcome. Oh yeah. Sometimes, English kids call cursive writing "joined-up letters". I think I saw it on the BBC or something. You're still welcome.

Click for big.


9/24/14

The New Science. - Like the old science, but newer!


New funnel-sifter efficiently prepares material to be stored in enormous trousers.

New anti-tree tank is vehemently anti-tree, hastens to point out that it is enthusiastically pro-everything-but-trees.


9/23/14

The Painted Wall

Joke #1 -  A Sherwin Williams hand model demonstrates their new extra-capacity Spectra-Lux paint cannister, which features a molded hand grip and super-wide mouth for maximum dispersion. The company promises the new painting tool will allow customers to paint a room in half the time at twice the distance.

Joke #2 - Mrs. Rorschach freshens up the sitting room for spring.

Joke #3 - New York Fashion Week's "Hot for Winter" 2014... Sheep's blood in. Goat's blood out.

Joke #4 - After investigating the strange paint-splattered wall, experts could not explain why anyone would do something so strange, and why paint would drip in exactly such a pattern. History Channel consultants concluded it mush have been aliens.

Joke #5 - She missed again. The fly moved. This was going to get worse before it got better.


9/22/14

The Blog that Might have Been - Not really a post, and Word Jazz.

Sorry for the "no-post" blues, everybody (both of you). Know what's just slightly better than nothing? Something! Barely! Today we bring you the name that we almost chose for this very blog! In doing some routine maintenance and file up-backing, the Phil Are GO Resource Management and External Hard Drive Dusting-Off Team (RMEHDDO Team) came across a very old header from the very early days of P.A.G. In fact, we weren't even Phil Are GO back then. We were originally going to call ourselves...... wait for iiiit......

The Thirsty Eye! See?


"The thirsty eye never drowns". That little tagline underneath it is a wee little tribute to Ken Nordine. See, back in 2006 or so, Ken Nordine released a DVD called The Eye is Never Filled. Now, I'd been a Nordine fan ever since like the mid nineties when I found his radio show on NPR by accident. It's on WBEZ on Sunday nights at midnight, "when the big hand and the little hand get together to chime the time." Yeah, baby. Word jazz. Stare with your ears.

Anyway, the "The Eye is Never Filled" DVD is sort of meh. Sorry, Ken. However, the title is fantastic. I thought The Thirsty Eye was a brilliant ripoff/tribute to the DVD's title, and it was. Hat tip to me for thinking of it. Trouble is, lots of other people are similarly brilliant. For example, it's an art gallery in England. Shitballs. So, on to plan B. What's plan B? Well, the old Thunderbirds show was alternately hilarious/fascinating/ridiculous, and those are my three favorite emotions. I thought I'd use a parody of their slogan, "Thunderbirds are Go!". Nuff said. Done. Phil Are GO!

So who's Ken Nordine? Well, he was one of the original Beat poets. He's a Chicago native. He had a long career in voiceover, so you'll know his voice from lots of commercials, like, for example, Levi's Jeans, from the Seventies and Eighties...




Ken lives in an idyllic corner of Wisconsin now, and he still does some stuff, but he's like two hundred years old. Cut him some slack if some episodes of the radio show are re-edits of his old shows. He invented this thing he calls "Word Jazz", which is like surreal free form dreamy conceptual poetry. It's cool as shit and you owe it to yourself to search FaceTube for more. You won't regret it, unless you're an uptight square.

The purest and best form of Ken Nordine's Word Jazz was the album that bore the name, released in 1957. It's up on FaceTube, but people can't resist editing in their own images to go with the tracks. Oh well.


Here's some fun trivia. I used to work at a cartoon studio here in Chicago that did a lot of work for Warner Bros. They farmed out some episodes of Animaniacs, Histeria and Road Rovers (ugh!) to our studio. WB didn't trust the whole "digital" thing yet, even though this was already like 1998. They insisted we work in film. In their defense, they have underground vaults full of negatives of Bugs Bunny and loads of other Warners cartoons that survive to this day. They know how to preserve film for a hundred years. Digital was still "new and strange" to them. Whatever. anyway, when we had to animate something for Warners, we had to get it transferred to film somehow, and that meant sending  stuff to a film lab in downtown Chicago (we were in the suburbs) where worked one Kevin Nordine! Yep. That's Ken's son. I never got to meet the guy, sadly, though I would have loved to. The film cannisters were always couriered to and from the lab to our studio, so few people ever met in person. Anyway, our stuff was, more often then not, transferred to film by Ken Nordine's son. And guess what? You can hear Kevin Nordine's voice on one of the old tracks from The Best of Word Jazz. He's the voice of the baby on "My Baby", which is one of my favorite tracks from the album. You can hear him going "be bum, be bum, bah bo, bay-beeee." It's a crazy world, man.

Waiter, two glasses of warm milk.