Antique Fondler Magazine


Post Card - Glass House Dining Room, Elkhart Indiana Toll Road, 1962.

What was going on, on October 2nd, 1962? I know you leapt out of bed today and shouted that out your window. Stop it. Your neighbors are getting tired of your randomly chosen days in history top-of-your-lungs demands for gossip.

But today, we've got you covered. Who's your buddy?

Click for 1600 px wide.
On October 2th, nineteen hundred and the sixty two'nd, Some guy called Jim C. bought a post card at the Glass House Dining Room Elkhart, Indiana. He sent it to his buddy Gene B. with a mundane note on the back about work and being busy. The standard kind of non-secret stuff you put on a post card that any postal worker could read.

This was apparently a chain of restaurants called "Glass House". Also apparently, they looked like this from the outside:
Image courtesy of  what the watermark says it's courtesy of.

Looks like landscaping was not a priority for the Glass House restaurant chain. Anyhoo, yeah, here in The Future, this place looks kind of cool, in a mid century modern, Scandinavian design kind of way.

If you're nervy enough, you could buy this card for two dollars, and turn right around and try to sell it on Amazon for twelve dollars. Jeez! This must be how people make their fortunes on the vibrant and exciting post card flipping get-rich-quick scene.

But you know what you really need? You need a PNG of the specific scrub pattern on this post card. It's had a long journey from 1962, and it's been in the bottom of a lot of drawers before being slipped into a protective poly bag and put up for sale in a Chicago antique store (sale price: two bucks). The ink was scrubbed away, over fifty years' time, into this completely authentic pattern of scratchiness. Seems a waste to just ignore it.

The PNG is more or less white scratchy marks on a transparent background, so it won't look like anything much until you drag it onto another image (which will be instantly transformed into a charming artifact of a bygone era). So, here it is over black, just so you can see it. If you're right-clicking this little beauty into your image falsification tool box, the PNG is the one you want - not the JPG.

Just a JPEG. This is not the droid you're downloading.

PNG of the scrub pattern, with alpha channel BG. This is the one you want.

You're welcome, with a side of french toast and sausages!


Celanese Fortrel - Big Little Lord Fauntleroy

In 1969, what exactly the hell were you supposed to wear? There was simply no way to tell what clothes to put on before you walked out of the house and into The World, where public people could see you and form opinions about you. That's why the American culture was in such a hand-flapping tizzy at the time. It was a national nightmare.

Enter, this Celanese Fortrel ad in Esquire Magazine (the journal of privileged douchebags for over eighty years) to save us all. Thank, you, Celanese Fortrel! Shew!

Yep. there you go, American men. Wear this.

Just so you know that you're safe to walk while wearing those shorts, Celanese has knighted them with the title "walk shorts". Man! Talk about streamlining the putting-your-clothes-on procedure! See, most days, when you get dressed and then just stand there in your bedroom for fourteen hours until bed time, it doesn't matter what you put on. Jeans... a bath robe... or just slip into a really large carpet tube.... If you're standing, your options are totally open.

However, if, god help you, you need to get dressed and then "walk somewhere", you'd be totally screwed. You'd frantically tear through all your drawers and realize that none of your trouser items have names prefixed with the word "walk". Then you'd have no choice but to hang yourself, fashioning a makeshift noose out of your pants (which were presumably called "suicide pants"). But, thankfully, Celanese put an end to the tidal wave of affluent young men offing themselves out of fashion stress by finally producing Celanese Fortrel "walk shorts". You can safely walk in "walk shorts".

Release the doves, for Big Little Lord Fauntleroy has emerged from his Dressing Chamber with his parasol. What's he got planned for today? Well, there's tea on the lawn, and then, maybe a bit of  a rest from all that effort, and then croquet practice, and then perhaps a biscuit, and then perhaps some mincing about in the drawing room, and then tea with the Chancellor, another rest, and then viewing the latest fashions from Celanese, in preparation for the dressing procedure on the morrow. Oh, the worry! Such a life!

Big Little Lord Fauntleroy looks familiar. I think we've seen him recently looking equally silly, but slightly less pansy. Where was that? To the Chamber of the Archives!

A-HA! The guy on the left in today's ad - who looks like a fake James Garner - was Kerchief Man in a Day's Sportswear ad that we ran about a month ago. Observe this link. Here's his head next to his head, just in case you for some reason have a hard time believing this.

Big Little Lord Fake James Garner Fauntleroy Kerchief Man, always daring you to laugh at his clothes.

Yep, Big Little Lord Fake James Garner Fauntleroy Kerchief Man loves to rock the kerchief, but then so did lots of people in '69. Why was that? Did people live in constant fear of unexpectedly being offered some crab legs, and having nowhere to dab their lips? What a marvelous time it must have been. Such plenty. Such bounty!

"Celanese Fortrel". Double-you tee eff are those words? Did people men who read Esquire in 1969 go "Celanese Fortrel, aah, yes, of course."? Are we, here in The Future, supposed to have some recognition for those words? Well, from the context of the ad copy, "Fortrel"'s full name is "Fortrel Polyester", but apparently its friends can just call it "Fortrel". So, "Fortrel" is marketing bullshit for "polyester". Aah, yes, of course. Marketing Bullshit. So what's "Celanese"? The name of the company?

Well, the Phil Are GO! Research and Googling Team found that, when you type those letters in that exact order into a search engine, it is revealed that Celanese is, in fact, the name of the company. It is also revealed that, two days ago, Celanese had a bit of a "whoopsie" with one of their chemical storage tanks down in South Carolina.

No spill. Shew! Also, no pants. This Celanese facility makes paint, it seems. So, the flow of  walk shorts remains uninterrupted all these years later! Well done, Celanese! Also well done, The Spartansburg County Hazmat Team! You saved us! After all, we're all wearing walk shorts, not "flee in complete terror shorts". If only Celanese would devise some kind of cunning "walk-flee shorts", we could walk and then decide to suddenly flee without needing to go home and change first.


Moon robot designs, 1962 - Thinking outside the toybox.

In 1962, the moon was still this strange thing made of cheese. Either that, or just the largest hole in the curtain surrounding the Earth, which, by the way, was the center of the universe. So, engineers were trying pretty hard to design a vehicle that could make its way across an unknown moonscape of nearly any food type imaginable - from cheese to rocky Cap'n Crunch consistency.

The ironically un-creative term "thinking outside the box" hadn't been horribly invented yet. What was the world like when mediocre minds didn't have the worn-out phrase "outside the box" to throw around? The best brains of  '62 had to use the less quotable but far more accurate word "inventing" to describe what they were doing, which is just as well. This left the useless idiots of society free to make up snappy phrases to describe what they themselves were incapable of doing.

Please enjoy this full article from the March '62 issue of Popular Science. And try to remember that all these robots were designed by adults... even the RCA ones. Sheesh. The GM designs look far less embarrassing.

Not that you did, but if you ask me, the most plausible idea presented in this article is the screw-drive moon rover. Don't miss the FaceTube video of a Russian-built screw drive ATV at the bottom of the post. It works better than you'd think.

You know the drill. Click each one for a full size 1600 px tall version.


Little ads - Status symbols for '68.

Best of all, you will probably maybe never find yourself explaining this to a judge, or the DCFS.

Maybe because he has finally found the most perfect long-term solution to his problem, maybe because
the product has the most reassuring name possible, the pictured boy truly does look very satisfied that
his embarrassment has been finally and permanently prevented.

Why spend hours polishing out those cracks in your legs' clear coat with an orbital buffer? Cover-Up also conceals wayward Sharpie marks.