Up Your Decor - Fling that spring!

Hey there, my little decorators! Guess what time of year spring is! Well, shut up and I'll tell you! It's NOW TIME! WOOOOOoooOOooOoooOOOOOOO! How's your house look? Don't answer that! I'll tell you! It looks stupid, because you haven't redecorated its brains out for several weeks! It's time to correct that by doing some spring flinging! Shut up and start that fling!!!!!!

Do you have a room with several chairs? Do they match? Well, throw them in the trash, you idiot! Every
object in a room should look like it fell off the back of a truck driving through your house! Start with a
bamboo chair thingy, and then add a kind of roman wood chair, and then add in a chrome and glass
Logan's Run table, and a green velvet sofa, flanked by a classically-trained grandma lamp and a futuristic
light tube kind of lamp! Think you're done! Shut up! You need a flamenco-rococo swirlicue mirror to put
a bow on that sundae! Wups! Don't forget the three-inch shag rug guaranteed to jam any vacuum!
Also, some kind of floral pattern window thingies, just to keep things from getting boring! 

Do you long to bring the dog-dump-and-ragweed enchantment of your back yard into your kitchen?
You're damn right you do! That's why you need to build a kitchen gazebo!!!! This breakfast nook has a
table and flower pendant lamp and even a luxurious nine-inch TV! Say wow! Just in case your family
doesn't get the idea, paint flowers on all your cabinets and your kitchen has been transformed into a fairy
tale fantasy that you're guaranteed never to regret! Where's the dishwasher and stove? Why, in the back
yard, of course! Duh!

Do you have a room that's just a little too small to be a family room! Well, here's the solution! Make it
a family room! Nothing creates the illusion of space than cramming in the furniture from a larger room,
right? RIGHT! Start by painting the walls a nice, deep brown-red. And, going by the Theory of Color,
match that with some nice green carpet! What makes a house feel nice and cozy? That's right! Coming
home and immediately bashing the door into your nice colonial couch, lavishly upholstered in a rich
pattern that we call "Noise to Other Noise Ratio"! Now you'd swear you were living in the romantic
cowboy days, before we understood germ theory or civil rights! Yay!

Good sword.

Recorder concerto.

Oh No!

Spot the Joke! - The Saturday Evening Post

Today we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but man, nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "uncomic".

Both of today's joke challenges come to us from the August 10, 1968 issue of The Saturday Evening Post.

Theory #1 - The weight and fortune telling machine, by necessity, has the power of prescience. It is concerned for the man's feelings, because he is about to bowl the worst game of his life. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The weight and fortune telling machine has information about an imminent terrorist attack on soft targets, such as bowling alleys. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The man found the card in his pocket. It is from his wife, who wants him to be home in time for dinner. The machine is non-functional. The reader is left to assume he got the card out of the machine. This is funny.

Theory #4 - Knowing that bowling alley managers dislike unsanitary lanes, the machine has warned the man to avoid them. It did this because the dark spot on the machine indicates to us that the man has just urinated on it, thinking it is a toilet. This is funny.

Theory #1 - The woman cannot tell if the man is the Burgermeister Meisterburger, or the Heat Miser, but definitely a Rankin-Bass character. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The woman is wondering why the man is out jogging, and not in a grocery store, warning people not to squeeze the Charmin. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The cartoonist's name is "Shipu Ji Ji". This is funny.

Up Your Decor - Very Vorbia!

This boy-friendly bedroom from Flotsam House is just perfect for little Frome and Vrint to unwind after a long day of being warehoused at their nearest public school! Frome enjoys the bright, cheery atmosphere provided by the dark colonial furniture set, while that little scamp Vrint gets ready to rumpus around by destroying Frome's hard work and spilling the snacks everywhere! Frome will have his revenge decades from now, when he's an urban planner and Vrint is a carnival worker who keeps asking to borrow money. Screw you, Vrint! The lime green walls are delightfully contrasted by the lime green carpet, and both are accented by the lime green and blue fabrics! Your little Visigoths are sure to have a hard time calling "sack time" with this fun bedroom to sack!

What's for dinner? Bright, airy color! That's what, stupid! Nothing goes with lime green like orange, or, as I like to say, "orange: the other lime green"! Two delightfully intimate alcoves make grilling and washing up feel as private as frying and tidying! The handy hidden pantry keeps all your meal-fixin's within easy reach - everything from Rice-A-Roni to Hamburger Helper! Good thing the cabinets and appliances are the perfect color, because you'll never ever, ever, EVER want to change them!

You know how you always like to watch yourself undress on certain days? Well now you can, every day, with this mostly mirrored bedroom by Eros of Omaha. The bedroom sink's mirror reflects the mirrored wall opposite, so when you slowly bend over to douse your face... "Whoa! Someone's been working out!" Everywhere you look it's just you, you, you. Your various lovers won't know which you to grab first! The bed is elevated on a fourteen inch mirrored plinth, so your ankles can admire themselves. Keep on top of world events with the state-of-the-art info-musement center, featuring an eight inch black and white television that gets up to six channels, medium-fi sound system, ash tray, and two-knob command center! You may never need to leave the bedroom again, except for some kind of health screening!

Well, hello good-lookin! Who are we? That's right! We're me, Vorbia, in my own bedroom, trimmed in green velour and royal blue! That's my cherished husband Glertrom planning our next Pancake party. The walnut woodwork keeps it light and breezy in our voluptuary! Oh Glertom, just invite everyone and come to bed, silly!

Spot The Joke! - The Saturday Evening Post

Today we present a challenge to the Phil Are GO! Joke-Getting Assault Squad (JGAS), our hand-picked group of the most charitable and sympathetic staffers. Their task? To figure out why these are comics. It sounds easy, but nothing could be harder or less funny. Do you think you understand why these comics are comical? See if you can Spot The Joke! The JGAS's analysis is posted after each "uncomic".

Both of today's joke challenges come to us from the August 10, 1968 issue of The Saturday Evening Post.

Theory #1 - The woman's sophistication with regard to wine choice will make her an excellent spouse and/or life partner, but a very expensive one. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The woman, due to her discerning taste in wines, would appear to lead a life of refinement and luxury, despite her having obviously made her dress out of a bit of the meadow. This is funny.

Theory #3 - The lady, having spent a life drinking seventy-eight cent wines, knows one when she tastes one. Therefore, if her date has spent seventy-nine cents on the bottle in question, he has been swindled out of one penny. Depending on their particular state's laws on larceny, this may or may not be funny.

Theory #4 - The lady, whom the viewer may understand to be referring to the bottle of wine, is, in fact, looking at one of the flowers in the meadow. Assuming that the man has prepared the meadow for their date by purchasing and planting each bloom himself (which would generally be regarded as a romantic gesture), one of the flowers seems to be of inferior quality as compared to the other flowers, letting down the lady's experience for the evening. This is funny.

Theory #5 - Rather than being pleased that the man has arranged a romantic date by buying a bottle of wine to enjoy in a moonlit flowered meadow, the woman chooses to focus on the seeming inferiority of the wine. She will marry him regardless, and wait until her husband lies on his death bed, breathing his last, to remind him how he bought her terrible wine on their first date. This is funny.

Theory #6 - Arsenic usually sells for several dollars per bottle... not seventy-nine cents. This is funny.

Theory #1 - The boy has chosen to wash his ducks in a kiddie pool, while his mother expected him to was them in the cargo area of her Subaru wagon, which is famous for its water-tight weather sealing and general build quality. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The boy is bathing his ducks himself, rather than letting the housekeeper do it for him, which is obviously one of her duties. This is funny.

Theory #3 - Despite the fact that the housekeeper reminded him to wash them yesterday, the boy is only just now washing his ducks, while his mother impatiently waits to take them all to the duck cotillion. This is funny.

Theory #4 - The boy is apparently using soap to wash his ducks. The housekeeper has tried time and time again to teach him that a duck's feathers are coated with an oil from the bird's uropygial gland, spread over the bird's plumage by the process of preening, and that soap is neither helpful nor necessary for duck-washing. The boy's inability to understand this is funny.

Theory #5 - Despite being clearly wealthy enough to afford not only ducks, but also a housekeeper, the boy and his mother live in a car. This is funny.

Theory #6 - The boy is washing the ducks he believes belong to his mother, although he bears a greater resemblance to the housekeeper, suggesting that his relationship to the woman in the car is a sham that will ultimately cause him horrible emotional trauma when the truth comes out someday. This is funny.

[Commenter theories will be published in this peer-reviewed journal. -Mgmt.]

Little ads - Status symbols for '68.

Best of all, you will probably maybe never find yourself explaining this to a judge, or the DCFS.

Maybe because he has finally found the most perfect long-term solution to his problem, maybe because
the product has the most reassuring name possible, the pictured boy truly does look very satisfied that
his embarrassment has been finally and permanently prevented.

Why spend hours polishing out those cracks in your legs' clear coat with an orbital buffer? Cover-Up also conceals wayward Sharpie marks. 

Up Your Decor - Rooms for improvement!

It's almost the next time of year, decorators! You know what that means! That's right! Time to re-decorate your house  to match the rejuvenation of whatever season is about to happen! Let's fancy!

Those colonials. They were really super at making governments and burning witches, but when it comes to fabulizing an interior, they could be a little boring, right? I mean, swirly furniture is a nice start, but where's the fun? Where's the color, mister whoever-that-is-on-the-twenty-dollar-bill? We updated this classically colonial bedroom by adding lots of color! We covered all the bases of the primary colors by using bright blue, red, and yellow to make this a bedroom that you and your special someone would be proud to legislate each other in!

It can be hard to make a tiny space seem wide, so we used horizontal stripes to make this little room feel like it's miles across! No, that's not a ping pong table, but you'd think it was, because we wrapped it in the same stripey wallpaper! That bookcase isn't really a post-modern arcology. Thank our striped wallpaper again for making it seem simply architectural! Those chairs feel like they're ready for your wide load too, because this wallpaper has matching fabric! Aren't your eyes lucky? This little room seems like ten miles of big, bright excitement!

Thanks for your tasteful garden pavilions, Ancient China! Now get the heck out of the way so we can bring them up to date with an exuberant spurt of color! Hel-looo, yellow! The faux tracery on the walls may require an artist's touch, but don't let your artist start slacking off once that's done! He or she still has your sky to paint! Then, there's the mural of some Chinese people floating around on a slab of rock, just like they did back in history! Once that's done, then the artist can slink off to a dark corner with the opium jar. You know how they are!

Up Your Decor - Like, wrist, man!

Hey decorators! I know what you're thinking. "I can't be a decorator! I have poor decision making skills!" Well, I've got a decision you need to make: Don't be such a poop!

Everyone loves animals, and this interesting hallway makes sure that you see an animal staring back at you every time you walk out of your gift wrapped bedroom. "Good morning, Mister Most-of-an-antelope's-head! How are you today?" Every time you open up your pink and orange checkered door, it's like opening up a gift with a piece of a woodland buddy inside! Don't miss the grandfather clock with a strategically small face that makes you climb it just to see what time it is! There's your morning exercise, right there! You can pretend you're shinnying up a tree to escape whatever made your woodland wall-friends!

You'll be thrilled to have the blues in this engaging living room by exciting new interior design up-and-comer Flavia Swumefort. You can luxuriate your evening away, leaning on the rich Corinthian column, or lounging in the rich Corinthian chair. There's even a side table upon which you can place a rich Corinthian object! Neat! You won't mind the hours you'll need to spend here, trying to figure out how to vacuum the walls and ceiling in this little slice of your blue heaven!

"Good afternoon, Mister Bond!... at least I think it's the afternoon! Hahaha!" You won't know what time it is in this cozy dining room with walls covered in decadent black vinyl and chrome flashing. The recessed can lights in the ceiling will give you all the light you want... if that is indeed what you want! The warm invitingness continues with the snake skin chairs and intricate "Three Circles and Two Squares" painting. Your guests will simply be dying to be murdered at your next murder hosting... especially if your friends are snakes! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Ho hum! What a boring room, right? No carpet on the ceiling, and the chairs are merely bright blue, Not a paisley to be seen! The only thing to keep you from killing yourself with boredom is the fab painting that ties the whole thing together! Let's get a load of that art in the next picture!...

Load, gotten! Like, wow! Have you ever seen anything so complexfully simple? The arrows point to the wrist as if to say "Hey, man. Wrist!" Plus, they match the genuine velour ottoman and some kind of Chinese thing on the coffee table! Like, wrist, man!

Up Your Decor - Rods and cones, just clap your eyes, just clap your eyes.

Spring has sprung, decorators! And it's time to think spring! So, in accordance with the transitive property of interior fabulizing, you'd better thing sprung! Sproink to it in '68! So, sock it to the judge, and get ready to clap your eyes at these totally fab interiors!

This bold room allows you to wear any of your four dresses! On any given day, you can choose your royal blue one, your kelly green one, your mustard velour one, or your wooden one! Now That's coordination in the nation! The inset picture demonstrates that the couch unfolds to become a bed sort of thing that you can lie down on and possibly sort of sleep if you spine happens to be the right shape! Convenience!

After a long day of dropping the kids off at the library on elephant back, you'll just love leaning back in your zebra wicker couch and letting the warming crackle of the houseplant ease the stress from your tired bones. Did you leave the elephant running in the driveway?

Your kids have rods, right? How bout some cones? Check and check! Unless their conerods get their exercise, those shapes in their eyes will just go away! It's science, people! This little eyeball Einstien likes to take her cones out for a jog in this terrific orange, pink, and green bedroom! The staring eyes of the toys and other homunculi on the shelf get plenty of exercise, too, watching her sleep! Good niiiiiiight!

Spring is green, stupid! This greentastic living room never lets your feet forget it, with its grassy shag carpet! The glass coffee tables make sure you don't miss a second of all the action taking place deep in your carpety lawn! Your eyes will simply love wriggling their toes in the green velour wallpaper! You'll think your eyes have died and gone to the park!

Up Your Decor, 1968 - Through the puking glass.

It's still almost spring out there, people! So, let's get a big jump start on 1968 by showing The Man we don't care what He thinks! How's best to do that? By buying stuff at your local home center and sticking it on your walls, silly! That's what! Let's Up Your Decor! Groo-veee!!!!

Are you tired of just standing in your fiberglass shower cubicle all day staring at nothing but 
whiteness? You'd better be! Thankfully, we have just the solution! With these Masonite wicker panels, you'll think you're naked and wet in an exotic far-away land! Don't worry - water won't ever ever 
probably find its way behind the panels, make them warp and become a festering colony of mildew 
and microbia! So, get used to liking them, because these wicker-looking panels are definitely going to 
last forever!

Whaaaat? Plan white walls? What madness is this? How is The Man ever going to know what we think this way? Luckily, the dresser is fighting the power with its many-angled mirrored facing. Your knees will always know how good they look!

Everybody loves what the Partridge Family did with their bus! Yes they do! Let's come-on-now-it's-the-dynamic-interior-that-we're-singing with this totally boss De Stijl bedroom! What goes with geometry better than a huge coordinate plane of animal skin? Nothing! What's the hypotenuse of a dead antelope? You can preoccupy yourself with that little mystery as you watch yourself fall asleep in your ceiling mounted mirror! You'll have a blast watching yourself come-on-get-happy night after night!

My God! It's full of stars! You'll be the star of this fully mirrored dining room whenever you're not

having a heart to heart discussion with Superman's dad! Yep! That's right! This room features completely mirrored furniture and chandelier, too! Set aside your weekends to clean away the bloody 

shin prints on all the edges and corners, but it's totally worth it! In all directions, enjoy an infinite view up your skirt! That'll teach those apes to toss their tools!

You'll simply adore coming home every evening, climbing down from your elephant, and relaxing in this animal print themed sitting room! Everywhere you look, your eyes will hear the call of the wild! Raarrrr! Down, tiger! Your guests won't be able to resist chasing down this majestic sofa and tearing into it with their razor sharp backsides! Put your feet up on the wooden 16" x 16" coffee table painted with absolutely convincing faux marble painted finish. The curtains on the walls and ceiling will always let you know that your taste is "spot" on, old chap! Ahh hahahahahahahahahhahahaha!

Little ads, 1968 - Great things for the perfect lifestyle of brilliant people who aren't useless idiots at all.

Be sure to wear goggles or risk looking very weird. Lamps included with lamp.

Note: Only bipedal basset hounds will immediately wilt and die upon contact.

Paper piece of shit is endorsed by up to three disembodied floating heads. No obligation.

Once gloves receive $2.98, they are, in fact, technically professionals at being gloves.

Conversation serving suggestion: "Why would you want a fake Prussian helmet on your mantel? Did the Burgermeister Meisterburger leave in a hurry?"