Valentine's Day card spactactular! - One card! It's spectacular!

Well, the Phil Are GO! Secondary Market and Garage Sale Assault Squad dropped this little gem on my desk back in December, after performing a tactical Interesting-And-Not-Too-Expensive-Christmas-Card sweep of the western suburbs. I had to sit on it until now, which wasn't easy. I decided to post it today (the 13th) instead of tomorrow (the 14th) to give our readers a chance to perhaps grab it and do something wonderfully inappropriate with it in time for the actual day. It's a Valentine's Day card from 1911, and it's adorable. See?

Aaah, HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HAAAA! Look how cute! He's checking out her underpants! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA And he might even be wondering about "teh butt sex". HA HA HA HA HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Kids are such rascals! So adorable! Such innocence!

Okay, I just noticed something. Apart from the overall misshapen "cute" physiology of the drawings, with their gigantic heads, this little girl is bending over in an impossible way. She's way off balance. Either she's wearing some of those turn-of-the-century "horse glue shoes" or the sidewalk is graded very steeply uphill (but then why don't the apples roll away?). Here, let me show you.

I traced her skeleton in magenta. See? Nobody can lean over like that, except maybe Dorf, who is a grown man buried up to his knees in a golf course.

This is an outrage. Can we expect no better from the troglodytes of 1911, who brought us the wonders of trench warfare and mustard gas? Well, maybe not. Anyway, I shouldn't let something as trivial as a careless bit of drawing distract me from the timeless wonder of childhood perversions. Wait! Maybe the little boy ISN'T thinking about her ladyparts? Maybe he's marveling at her obvious feat of gymnastics: picking up and apple by bending ninety degrees at the waist with her fifteen pound "precious moments style" head hanging well outside her center of gravity? We all need to agree that that must be the case.

There. Faith in humanity restored.

This is about as funny as Dorf gets.

Click for big.

Primordial Christmas cards 2013 - Get 'em while they're old!

Today, the Phil Are GO! garage Sale And Antique Store Assault Force is proud to bring to your attention some super old Christmas cards from the early 1900s. That's like someone digging up the holiday card you sent out yesterday with the velvet flocked poinsettia on it in the year 2119 and somehow paying $300 for it, so that some weirdo can have the pleasure of showing it to an audience spread throughout the galaxy that values it for it's old world charm. Time is freaky, people. Don't let anyone tell you different... even if it's me, and it's a scary cyborg version of myself that's more machine than man. Actually, if you find yourself having a conversation with my cyber-robo-self, then no matter what it's saying to you, the very situation would pretty much be proving my statement.

Anyway, each of these is posted at 2000 pixels in the longest dimension. Click through each for a right-clickable large version. Do with them as you wish. I recommend using them to make your own Christmas cards, with some light Photoshoppery to fix the nearly illegible text and stuff like that. Or, save your self all expense and send it out as an E-card by the end of the day. Science!!!!

The back of this card is completely obscured with glue and brown paper from
whatever scrap book it was torn from. So, the date and any other information
is completely ruined. But, if it's like the others, it's from nineteen-oh-something.

This card is postmarked 1909 and was sent to Miss Evelyn Mueller of Afton, Wisconsin. "Suppose (obscured) is just
loaded down for you. Your cousin, Stella."

In 1911, Mr and Mrs. L. Severus (Snape?) wished Mr. Jacob Blume in Chicago a merry Christmas. "Anne, tell Mrs. Adler
I can't go Tues. to theatre, but you'se all come and see our tree. A Happy birthday & A merry Christmas."