Doctor Consultation - Take two pencils and call me.

Joke #1 - I'm sorry, Mrs. Vonbronsonson. I've checked your blood work and you have Dumpyourpantsinosis. Actually, the blood test was just a formality. I could smell you from the parking lot. ...and, you can take that chair with you when you leave.

Joke #2 - According to my pencil, you're both dying of lead deficiency. He says you both need to erase the past and move on with your lives, and try to eat more lead. Also, his name is Mr. Scritchy.

Joke #3 - Hmm. Can't get this one crossword clue. Oh, hello Mr. and Mrs. Turnbull! You both have leprosy. You'll be dead in a week. Hey, before you go off and die all over the place, what's an eleven-letter word for "crass or uncaring"?

Joke #4 - Sigh. This is always the hardest part. Mrs. Buckelhenny, you're pregnant. Perfectly healthy baby. Probably a boy. I'd say he'll be a total brat, though. Whiny, spoiled, mouthy. It's hard to explain, so I've drawn this picture of what kind of bratty piece of shit your stupid kid will be. I'm so terribly sorry.

Joke #5 - Well, Mr. and Mrs. Torso, the procedure was a success. You may have some bleeding over the next few days, but this is normal. All that remains for you to do is to go home and learn to live again, without your legs or pelvises.

Joke #6 - I'm sorry Mr. Grundun. You've already had a vasectomy. There's no such thing as "a backup vasectomy".

Joke #7 - Well, you did pretty well on your test, I guess. You got twelve wrong, though, which gives you both a score of....sixty percent. So, it's cholera for the both of you. I'm so sorry.

Joke #8 - Let's see. Thirty-eight years old. No history of cardiovascular disease. Full head of hair. Non-smoker. Clear skin. Good emotional balance. Subtract for some minor mental abuse. Mrs, Beaman, the blue book value of your husband is seventy-five hundred dollars. Brunettes are in demand this year, so we're prepared to offer you an even eight thousand. Let's go out on the lot and look at some of the new husbands we just got in this week! You wait here, Norman.

Joke #9 - Well, these things are hard to nail down, but your test results are pretty clear. You're both total squares. Repressed, boring, and lacking any sense of adventure. Fortunately, this is 1951, so no one will notice your condition for another fifteen years or so. Congratulations. You can pick up your complimentary Mills Brothers record at the nurse's desk.


Ivory Flakes - I hope it's a stocking.

The Ivory soap company is the hero of overposed models. Once again, they bring us an ad with a woman trapped in balletic reverie.
The woman in the top picture isn't being especially weird. She's just exploring pictures of plants, choosing which one to capture and add to her Skirt of Dead Plants. "Soon I will have THIS plant on my skirt also, and then I will have all the plants in the land, to wear on my Skirt of dead Plants! Except for that funny weed I saw behind the AM-PM Mini-Mart. I must have that one, too! It shall be mine. Curse your security cameras, AM-PM Mini-Mart!"

No, the subject of our derision today is the blissed-out woman being entranced by her stocking. She had to stop, partially dressed, hypnotized by the glory of her perfectly laundered stocking.

Notice that she's dressing on a lighted stage, where living approaches the unreal... for those who think and feel. I hope Rush isn't waiting for her to trigger the smoke machine or anything. With such finely washed undergarments, it could be hours before she snaps out of it. The irony of her working on the stage crew for Rush is that she is clearly not in touch with some reality beyond the gilded cage. Her brain is miles away.
I'm assuming that's a stocking she's holding. It's wrong of me to assume that. She could simply be a reptile-lady marveling at her first molting. "Such a lovely thing is my former skin. What magic brings this feeling of a lower leg, fresh and renewed? How dare I have so many skins, each more tender and smooth than the last? I stand humbled, O nature, O circle of life. I thank you for my molted skin."

Or, maybe she's getting dreamy over one of her husband's enormous condoms? Nah. I prefer the lizard story.

Actually, back in 1951, when this ad ran, seeing a woman in such a state of undress was pretty racy - not much different than the pinups of the time. It would have been a trouser-moistening event, should any man of the time have picked up this copy of McCalls and found the picture, in some vulnerable state."Damn hell, Kent! Lookit her! Why, she's wearing nothing more than several layers of fabric! She's practically nearly nude, in a way! I, uuh, I need to go comb my hair!"

She looks so happy, all spaced out like that. She's definitely getting on with the fascination, the real relation. The underlying theme. The real relation. The underlyyy-ing theeeeeeeme! I wish I still made mix CD's. She'd be perfect cover art for a collection of live Rush tunes, since the picture looks so much like the cover of Exit... Stage Left. The trouble with using live tracks in a mix tape/CD is, you hear the crowd noise changing as one track transitions to another. Fix THAT, ivory flakes!


Little Ads - Dork-it yourself.

Joke #1 - Why build your own mower? Because cutting your foot off is more satisfying when you built the machine yourself.

Joke #2 - I think they meant to say "Kansas City 3, Mow." Huh huh huh.

Joke #1 - Build a SPEEDFLASH. Clearly illuminates the groin of almost any woman.

Joke #2 - "Oops! I did not mean to jump into the air and do a split-kick, but I did it anyway! I hope your speedflash was not functioning properly. I am so naughty.

Joke #3 - Oops! I did not mean to have any clothes on when I jumped into the air and did a split-kick. Can I have my check anyway? I am so naughty.

Joke #1 - "Thanks! Bye bye daddy! I'm off to be a lesbian!

Joke #2 - I think sitting on an Indian motorcycle while making the "how" sign should be grounds for being run over with said motorcycle.

Joke #3 - "No. No need to thank me. It's all in a day's work for Indian motorcycles, and Ban roll-on!"

Joke #1 - New non-electric door knocker no longer need be attached to woman's face. Can simply be affixed to door. Ivory-colored chime box.

Joke #2 - Tired of shouting when you require your woman? New knocker can be fitted to the door of her storage nook.

Joke #3 - (knock knock knock) "I'm comiiinnng. I'm several inches from the door. I'll be there in a minute!" (knock knock knock) "Just a moment! I'm still a few inches away!"

Joke #4 - Science and mechanics exclusive! We test if "females" respond to auditory stimulus. Also in this issue: how to sand and refinish your female like new!

Joke #5 -  For Rent: Efficiency apartment, lower Manhattan. 0 br, 0 bath, utilities incl. $3500 / mo. Dogs, cats ok."


Kooking Kornir 6 - The incredible, edible meat!

Hey there hungry readers! just when you thought meat was here to stay, meat's back! And it's even more back with the help of those new "microwave" ovens! Can't figure out the buttons? Don't worry! The Magic Chef New Magic of Microwave Magic Cookbook Magic is here to Magic help you prepare your favorite meals Magic in just most of the time it used to take! Magic!

You don't want your beef too lean or it loses that wonderful chin-glistening flavor your family loves. It can be hard finding a cut of beef with a thick enough rind on it to appeal to today's family of eaters. Our "cover girl" was a heifer that lost a hoof in a combine harvester, which left her largely immobile for years... and deliciously tender! No fear of flavorless beef with our bed-ridden Bessie! Just look at that marbling! Rest easy, Bessie! You're only getting more yummy by the minute. Mmm-mmm-moo!

Everyone loves bacon, and simply everything can be bacon-wrapped! From left to right, rumaki, Shrimp in bacon, olives in bacon blankets, bacon oysters, and at the top... bacon wands! Yes, even bacon can be made better with a layer of savory bacon! If you don't like the thought of bacon wrapped around all of your food, you may be bulimic. Fortunately, there are many volunteer organizations to help you recover from your disorder and they'll have you back to bacon in no time!

Sure, meat's great for appetizers, drinks, and entrees, but what about dessert? What's to be done? Can't there be a meaty dessert? YES! At the top, you'll see our ever-vanishing meatcake, with orange sherbet filling, mushrooms, and drizzled donut glazing. Moving clockwise, you'll find our strawberry ground beef tart, made with onions, fresh strawberries, cream cheese, and rocky road. On the left is a two-pound cube of meat, served with green pepper. Dessert is solved!


Kids clothes 1973 - Future nerdfect.

Greetings, colonists! Today, the Astronet brings you tidings of the most current garments for your younglings! Life on the offworld outposts can be rough-and-tumble, so protect your young while assuring their attractive appearance for the mate-choosing ritual! Let us observe the new designs immediately!

Your non-male youngling will be luminously lovely in this unity smock and trouser. Fabric is stain-averse Moleculon fiber, so no more soiled knees after participating in thrice-monthly hydroponic gathering! Green color reminds observers of the green hills of Earth while denoting your family's status as a level three, such has been deemed necessary by the Grand Observer. The white trim on the upper segment features a single chest roundel, indicating her optimal Tested Genetic Viability level. Let her pride show through the roundel! Her robot friend is wearing our new "retro Earth pinafore", as is the fashion for sub-humans this orbiting cycle.

Little boy blue, come blow your recreational sphere into fullness! Your brave little micronaut will be attractively adequate in this soft tunic and micro-pant. Both are matching Softoid Radion fabric simulant, providing comfort as well as nine-spectrum radiation shielding from seasonal near-orbit nova emissions. Abdominal pocket holds his oxygen dome access keycard, seeds, or other treasures. A decorative apple-berry reminds viewers of our shining hope of a return to an agrarian economy. Tunic can be removed for virility displays, as shown.

To become eligible for these fine garment units, see your object registrar and simply fill out the requisition form, and transmit
your inquiry via the next communications beam.


Cadbury Chocolate - Gimme.

Time is short this morning, so today's post is a joke-free quickie. I have jury duty today. Gotta go fight crime the American way. At best, I'll sit around for eight hours and be sent home. At worst, I'll be trying to think objectively about a petty crime in a room of eleven mouth-breathing troglodytes .

Its a Cadbury's milk chocolate ad from the English magazine, Picture Post (1951). One would be able to tell from context that it's an English magazine by the use of the word "biscuits". That's what they call cookies over there. So what's a biscuit then? A scone, unless I'm misinformed. What's a cracker? A crisp. Any English readers are welcome to correct me if I'm wrong, or to just call me a bloody loudmouth Yank.

Its a Hand-painted ad, and gorgeous because of it. There's some excellent work here, especially in the foil wrapper and chocolate's sheen. Enjoy.

P.S. I've noticed that in yore, the manufacturer was more often presented in the possessive. "Cadbury's chocolate". "Lipton's soup". I have no theory. Only an observation.

Back to normal tomorrow with more jokes. Thanks for reading, everybody!


1952 Ballet "The Cage" - "One, Two, Prance, Flounce, Five, Six, Mince, Eight!"

Joke #1 - A casual greeting between theater majors.

Joke #2 - The closing performance of "The Cage" demonstrated the energy with which the... no, wait. This is a picture from the cast party.

Joke #3 - "The Poor Fool of an Effeminate Male of the Species Finds the Stringy, Shelly Duvall-ish Female Irresistible, for some reason."

Joke #4 - "Ooooooh, 'insects'!!! I thought you said 'incest'. Okay, everyone, let's take it from the top."

Joke #5 - Production photo from the all-underwear version of "Gentlemen Prefer Reedy Weird Chicks, and Blondes."

Joke #6 - Realizing he is nude, the male dancer covers his shame with the crotch of a female dancer. And so, disaster is averted.

Joke #7 - I love the director thiiiiiiiiis much!

Joke#8 - "So tell me Labda. Do all Armenian Interpretive dance majors make love so wantonly as we do now?"

Joke#9 - "Wait, Yorgba. Ssshh! Go turn off the spotlight. I think my mother is home!"

Joke #10 - Fundamentalist Mormon Daddy-Daughter dance, 1952.


AC Oil Filters - Equal opportunity employer.

Here's a full-page ad for AC oil filters featuring a beautiful painting which shows how much oil flows through your oil filter. "A bargeload of oil" every 5000 miles. Trouble is, I doubt this statistic had much impact on the average driver. That's as may be, but look at those darling differently-abled mascots!

Awwww, they can hardly hold their heads up, they're so semi-concussed! Look at those vacant eyes and those lolling tongues! It's all I can do to keep from putting them out of their adorable misery.

It's hard to guess why the AC division of General Motors would choose basset hounds as their spokesbeasts for oil filters. Even at their best, basset hounds look really dopey and out of it. These three look like they're coming down off a three-day morphine-and-tilt-a-whirl bender. They look sad and mournful, as if they personally knew the dinosaurs that time has liquefied and will soon be squozen through the pores of the very filters they now promote. It seems GM was simply doing them a favor.

Whether they're are suffering from head injuries or chemical addiction, it's heartwarming to see General Motors helping these disadvantaged cartoon animals find work. How many jobs can there be for imaginary basset hounds with Ozzy Osbourne levels of confusion and helplessness? Thank you, GM, for making a difference.


Soviet Sunlamp - Grim vanity.

(Photograph from Picture Post magazine, Feb 15, 1947)

Joke #1 - In soviet Russia, sunlamp gets tan from YOU!

Joke #2 - "Yes, my lord. We will go to the Shire and seek the halflings. We will also keep an eye out for your keys, if we see them." -Excerpt from Lord of the Rings, less-scary version.

Joke #3 - "...and so, students, in this model of the solar system, we can see clearly the relative positions of Mars, Venus, Jupiter, and one of it's moons Io, if they all shared the same orbit and were all doughy, middle-aged men. Thank you, gentlemen. You may put your shirts back on."

Joke #4 - The chair held aloft it's last defense... the Phial of Galadriel. The Ring-Daves love it not, and cowered from the light. Hopefully the cupboard would soon arrive, wielding the sword of Elendil, Flame of the West, or at least four sandwiches.


Gillette Santa Ad - Santa Tree

This ad ran in Britain's Picture Post magazine on December 6th, 1952. Apart from the general fantasticness of the wacky art style, they've gone and just combined the Christmas tree and Santa Claus into one monstrous holiday chimera. Santa Tree thinks you need a shave, and his water needs changing. Merry Christmas.

As for technique, it looks like it was airbrushed, but not in that annoying 1980's way. The artist masked off the character shape and sprayed the green fading into red. You have to be careful blending those two colors, though, because together they make a horrible "sewage gray". So, it looks like there was some yellow used in the blended area somehow, to ease the transition. Clever.

Apart from that, the rest of the ad is terrific realism. Nice shiny metal bits on the razor, really nice leather texture on the black case, and great shiny highlights on the plastic case. Don't miss the thin edge highlights on the edges of the package at the bottom of the ad. See how they show you the shiny quality of the paper wrapping? These things are subtle, but it's the subtle details that show the artist's skill.

Don't ask me what the prices mean. I think "26/3" means twenty-six thirds, or eight pounds and two cents. Jeez, that's expensive, especially for 1952. Wait. England doesn't use cents. So, it must be eight pounds and two kippers. Still pricey. That must be one hell of a razor. No, that can't be right. Ah. I have it. Eight swords and two kippers. But, why couldn't you just shave with one of the swords? Sheesh. International currency is confusing! Gotta love the English, though. Crazy money or not.


Paris Belts - Rendered, please.

The Saturday Evening Post is an interesting magazine. Any media tells you who it thinks its consumers are with the nature of its advertising. This is why daytime television and to a greater extent, middle-of-the-night television are so depressing. The Saturday Evening Post has ads for mundane everyday things like belts or food, but also industrial things like stapling machines and caster wheels. I think I'll maybe do a post on that strangeness sometime soon.

This ad for Paris belts is nice because it's a painting, despite the fact that it came from an era when photographic reproduction was common (1952). I don't know why. They could have used a photo, but they went with a rendered image. Maybe it was easier to get the belt superimposed properly over the background if the whole thing was an artificial image?

I can only guess at that, but this painting is yet another beautiful example of specular highlights. For a product shot like this, the luxurious sheen of the leather is what's going to sell belts, so it needs to come through in the picture.

Notice that the lamp in the picture is made of metal - probably chrome plated, too. But the lamp is painted to look dull and gray. Why? because it mustn't upstage the shine on the leather products. It's not the star of the show.

Here's a breakdown of the shine effect the artist has put on the leather:

Primary light source - The primary light source is somewhere in the middle of the room, up near the ceiling. So, the largest and brightest highlight is on the corner of the case facing that light, and on the highest point of the belt's curve where it faces the light.

Reflected light source - Since light can bounce off of almost anything, reflected light can be plausibly exaggerated to suit the artist's purpose. It usually falls on the object from the opposite direction as the primary light source, as the light bounces off the floor or whatever and casts a muted glow on the subject's back side. In this case, the reflected light is bouncing off the desk to illuminate the lower areas of the products.

Contour hilights - Light behaves like the opposite of water. It gathers on the high spots. Anywhere the leather's surface turns a corner, creating an edge, there's a thin highlight there. You can use this to accentuate fine detail in a glossy object, like the scalloped edges of the belt.

The colors and techniques for painting leather are pretty similar to finished wood. They have about the same amount of shine to them and use the same range of colors.
By way of example, here's a piece of a painting i did in one of my past lives, at StarToons. Drawing was done by Vince Proce for a cartoon that never got finished. Primary light source is from the upper left. reflected light can be seen coming from the lower right, on the cherub's face. Edge highlights are found everywhere in the wing detail and hair.

Okay, art lesson over. Here's a baffling comic I saw a page or two away from the Paris belts ad. I don't get this joke. Is he saying "whoa" because she's walking too fast? I can't see anything impressive he may be looking at, and I don't think the word "whoa" was used interchangeably  with "wow" at that time anyway, like it is now. I now post the comic so you can boggle at it too. Feel free to speculate about the nature of the joke in the comments if you like. Also note that the comic was drawn by a fellow Phil - Phil Interlandi. I can't be bothered to look him up right now, but he's probably famous or something. Click for larger version.


Chef Boy-Ar-Dee - Make your own "pizza holocaust".

Fairness dictates that, in this most perfect of all possible worlds, people can put whatever they like on a disc of dough and call it pizza. After all, it's a free country (Canada, I mean) and who are we to judge? This is what fairness dictates. Go! Plaza is located in Chicago, however, and we have an opinion or two about pizza. Fairness can dictate all it wants. I'd like to invite fairness to screw itself.

We cannot blame the Germans for this atrocity. After their general naughtiness of 1940-ish, the Germans did their best to apologize by making Mercedeses and BMWses, even if they cost too much for nearly all but the douchiest of bags to afford.

No, we had the staff gourmands at Chef Boy-Ar-Dee to thank for this. In 1973, they determined that there weren't enough ways to eat their watery tomato sauce and powdered cheese concoction, and so the unholy union of sauerkraut and tomato sauce was born into an unsuspecting world. Yet another shitty pizza was inflicted on an the American market. The German Chancellor immediately called a press conference to desperately shout Germany's innocence: "Wir haben nicht diese!"

Just to keep people from mistakenly identifying the sauerkraut for Mozzarella (Heavens no!), they arranged the kraut into little piles. They look like little barrow mounds. If one was really clever, one could put little anchovies under them to represent tiny barrow-wights that sleep in chilled silence, eternally marking the years in stillness and darkness... because nobody's going to eat this rancid pizza!

We shouldn't expect much from Chef Boy-Ar-Dee. The product shot on the front of the box declares to the world their profound misunderstanding of what pizza should look like. A puddle of red with sprinkled cheese powder is NOT a pizza. Sure, they got the shape right, but that's a low bar.

I once had a "pizza" in a trendy sidewalk cafe' in Charlotte NC. It was a dough disc about 8 inches in diameter with no tomato sauce, swiss cheese and bits of chicken on it. This was also not pizza, but they also got the shape right. Maybe the list of requirements for pizzahood consists of a single bullet point: "round"? By this logic, I could easily say that last week I spent five hundred dollars buying a set of four new pizzas for my car. They have as much in common with pizza as Chef Boy -Ar-Dee's German pizza does, and they'll last as long before someone eats them.


Kooking Kornir 5 - Luau Fiesta!

Did you know pumpkins are high in fiber? They're also simply crammed with Thiamin, Vitamin E, Niacin, Vitamin B6, Folate, Iron, Magnesium, and Phosphorus. Don't forget your friends Vitamin A, Vitamin C, Riboflavin, Potassium, Copper and Manganese too!

So, add some fun to your harvest dinner with our frosting pumpkin! Just hollow out a medium-sized pumpkin and discard the innards. Then, pour in 1 1/2 gallons of pumpkin flavored frosting. Freeze the pumpkin mold overnight to set the frosting, then simply cut away the pumkin rind and voila! Your frosting pumpkin is ready to serve! Add a pickle for the pumpkin's stem and you're ready for a spooooooky fall treat... with vitamins!

Everyone loves Brazil nuts! First, acquire a bowl and insert Brazil nuts. Then rent several hydraulic log splitters to help your guests get them open. Everyone knows people enjoy looking at fruit while operating heavy equipment, so put some of that on the table, too.

Make your next backyard soft-foods event a suburban luau! Spread palm branches across the grass and begin with our special "squatamole" served in a half pineapple. Just mix 8 cups guacamole with one pint of key lime ice cream and two cups Crisco shortening. Add mushroom slices for authentic island appeal. Cream of tomato soup served in a coconut shell makes a great finger food. Garnish the whole feast with obscene tropical flowers and get ready to randomly choose a set of car keys! Ole!

Nothing puts a damper on a backyard fiesta like dried out spinach dip. So, take a tip from us and seal your dip in plastic wrap. *Psst*: a piece of couch cover will do in a pinch though!. This will keep your dip fresh all night long. If you plan on sleeping in the yard and waking up hungry, scotchguard the bowl for long-wearing, wipe-clean living. Your dip will still be moist and ready for breakfast.


TV Colorcasts - FAQ

Anybody who says time is linear is mistaken (probably repeatedly), because time is cyclical, just with different clothes... and sometimes not even that different.

Much like the general freak out over the digital TV transition a few years ago, there was a hubbub in the early fifties about the coming color TV transition. People were worried that they'd have to buy new TV sets just to continue getting the old black and white signal. People wanted to know if the new signal would work on their old sets. "Will I have to wear a special hat to see these colored signals?" There's nothing in the Bible about color TV. How do I know this isn't a trick of the Devil?" "What makes the TV work? Fairies?" Sound familiar?

Since people back then didn't have Comcast to lie to people ("The digital transition means we have to force you to switch to digital cable.") and generally use the opportunity to screw their own customers, people were worried, but not furious. Still, there was a need for explanation. Popular Science obliged with this handy article, or FAQicle, as they didn't come to be known, to clear up all the confusion. You could almost swap "color" for "digital" and use this article to explain HD to your mom. Not really, but you know.

You'll notice that they made up a new name for "program" because of the color signal: "colorcasts". This may seem silly, but it's no less ridiculous than making up the word "podcast" for a show you download from the web. It's still just a show, but people get all excited about new technology and feel they should make up new language to discuss it. This is because they are lame. Leo Laporte has tried to supplant "netcast" for "podcast", but replacing one superfluous word with another is an equally dorky solution. It's just a show.

Phil Are Go! now reproduces the entirety of the article so you can understand a technological transition you probably didn't live through, and consequently, shouldn't care too much about. You're welcome. Thank you for reading our "Web-O-Zine".


Little Ads - Get a job (with the help of some other magazine)!

Joke #1 - "At last! New exciting method allows YOU to let your postman know you're a creepy weirdo without knives or tedious leering!"

Joke #2 - "Own many stamps, but don't know how to begin collecting them? You're in luck."

Joke #3 - "This special offer may have to be withdrawn soon, due to War Crimes Tribunal, so rush coupon with 10 cents to..."

Joke #4 - "Free! 10 Hitler stamps means 10 chances to sever all remaining ties with friends and family. Write today!"

So, after doing a sample drawing, the school determines if you can draw or not, and then chooses to train you to draw? I think I'll open a pilot school. "Take our free test flight. If you survive, you're a pilot!"

"Thrilling work coloring photos. Exciting new career mangling dramatic black and white pictures with juvenile application of paint. Be the pariah of your community! Rewarding job ruining the work of others! Visually illiterate? Write today!" Also offered... "Cake Urinater", "Plot Giver-Awayer", and "TV Blocker".

"Learn tattooing at home. Prepare in spare time. Send for details and free 'practice leg' ".

"Study to be a doctor of  metaphysics. Obtain a degree in made-up B.S. Be an accredited practitioner of the art of incense burning and wearing fruity robes. Be the envy of flakes and the unemployable."

This must be Betty Boop's "differently abled" sister, Eunice Boop. I had heard that the Boops had some trouble with lead poisoning and fertility medications. Those poor Boops.