RCA Silverama - There is a presence in this house.

Today Phil Are GO! is proud to bring you part two of our troubling pair of clowny ads from 1957. Yesterday, Wanky the clown forcibly made himself a part of a warm moment between two middle-aged teenagers. Today, one of his plus-sized associates is putting some moves on children. Shocking. Fortunately, the kids can smell the weirdness.

You could have composed a picture to more convincingly portray the kids as being delighted with their rejuvenated hovering invisible television. But instead, these kids look positively nervous. The girl is all but hiding behind her big brother, who is mentally playing possum. A winning strategy.

And why shouldn't they be a little freaked out? The family TV has been repaired, sort of. Clearly, mom and dad (Wait. This is the fifties. Dad paid for it.) sprung for one of those expensive, clear, hover-TVs. And when the picture tube ate itself in six months, as  was the expected service life of mid-century CRTs, they cheaped out and replaced it with an ordinary non-invisible RCA part. Now they have an invisible TV with a completely visible picture tube, as goofy looking as Wonder Woman in her Plexiglass jet. Just like every other half-baked idea conceived in the fully-baked decade of The Seventies, Wonder Woman did not think through her stealth technology very thoroughly. Evil-doers would have detected a woman flying through the air at 15,000 feet, in a sitting position, with the radar signature of a Lear jet. Well done, Di. Completely not suspicious at all.

Poltergeist was very successful creepy-as-hell thriller, despite a premise that would get you laughed at if you described it to someone who had never heard of it. "A little girl is kidnapped into a parallel plane by ghosts living in their TV." Somehow, the movie worked. Replace the ghosts with clowns and you've got yourself in instant NC-17 rating. Actually, come to think of it, the evil spirits in Poltergeist do use a clown doll to do some of their dirty work, creating a diversion in Robbie's room while they make off with Carol Anne. In this 1957 ad, the evil spirits are at it again, in the past.



Clowns stop being scary just as soon as they begin TRYING to be scary. When the clown doll pops up behind Robbie with it's evil face on, it becomes goofy. The only scary clown is a happy one. Some fucktards are super into evil clowns. These jerkoffs are asshats. I've known a couple of these gobshites and they've generally been guys who think they're both tough and funny at the same time, all while being neither thing at any time.

Clowns are annoying because they try too hard. The high-energy shouting only terrifies kids. Clowns are creepy because they look like they're hiding something, or overcompensating for something. Clowns are unjustifiably happy about nothing and basically make it their job to force their irrational jubilance on you. This is impossible. However, the sad kind of clowns are less unbearable. I like to think of them as former "happy" clowns who lost it all at the track and now suffer from cirrhosis of the liver. That makes me smile.

Former happy clown John Gacy.

Anyway, the clown in the transparent TV looks like he's hiding something. The kids aren't fooled and neither am I. He might as well be John Gacy. Good thing the TV's type of invisibility works differently than Wonder Woman's jet. Thankfully, we can't see what the TV clown's hands are doing.

BONUS CONTENT! Nitpicking art note: The perspective is wrong on the picture tube. The electron gun that sits in the tubular projection should protrude from the center of the back of the picture tube. From this angle, it should be completely obscured. However, for their customers to grasp the fact that they're selling picture tubes, RCA thought people have to see the skinny part poking out the back, so they had a guy fake it in. If we could see this picture tube from above, you'd see that the electron gun in sticking out of the corner of the picture tube at a 45 degree angle, or something close to it.

Winston Cigarettes - Send out the clowns, Pt 1.

The Phil Are GO! Horrors and Atrocities Team has found two clown ads only a few pages apart in the same magazine. So, just to help you fail to sleep this weekend, we're posting the ads on consecutive days. Part one of this psychological belly punch is this ad for Winston cigarettes.

Our story so far: Young (kind of) lovers Jorg and Jorgina have just finished an immigration sweep of the midway at Liability Bros. Fly-By-Night Circus. The buskers were so grateful to have the status of their employees checked, they gave Jorg and Jorgina free prizes to go away. After a long morning of smelling the breath of Tilt-A-Whirl attendants, nothing satisfies like a smooth king-size Winston.

But who's that surreptitiously sharing their break? It's Wanky the Clown, who appears to be enjoying a post-coital smoke outside the Miscellaneous Attractions tent. No, wait. Judging by the position and disposition of the dog, Wanky may still be performing the act of love. Nice, Wanky. You could at least get a private tent, or maybe put a bag over the dog's head to hide his shame. Better still, if you were a decent person, put a Zoloft in him first. That Chi-Hooa-Hooa's going to need some trauma counseling, and the morning after pill.

P.S. It's nice that there's pretend grass stuffed under the corners of the set pieces, as if grass will spontaneously grow on any surface hidden from sunlight.

Click for big.

Stewart-Warner Television - Your theater of the clown world.

Who-art Warner? I know. I'd never heard of the company either. You can find evidence that they existed, but just barely. It looks like their last year of production was 1955, so anyone inspired to make a purchase because of this ad would find themselves moaning a year later, just like the clown.

Actually, I may be motivated to buy a TV that was especially good at reproducing the performance of a screaming clown. Nobody likes clowns any more, even before John Gacy did all his raping, clowning, and murdering (not always in that order). So, watching the agony and sorrow of a clown sounds like quite a nice way to pass an evening. Perhaps The Screaming Clown Show could feature a different not-especially-sharp object being forced through Screaming Clown's abdomen each night. Such possibilities.

Well, the clown in the picture is more of a Pierrot type of character, which is part of the rich European history of clown-heartbreak-related entertainment. The Italians and French have been enjoying the comedy of watching Pierrot's wife, Columbine (hmm) cheat on him with Harlequin even since the 17th century. See? once again, the Europeans are centuries ahead of our culture.

While there's no price mentioned in this ad, other similar-sized TV's of the time (1954) went for around $200. This sounds insane, but the handy inflation calculator shows that this comes out to $1600 in today's money. Yes, you get a better TV for that price today, but at the time, this Stewart-Warner was a similarly badass piece of kit as your $1600 LCD.

Plus, for their $200 price of entry, the denizens of 1954 could watch an Italian clown screaming his head off. The closet thing we have today is Jersey Shore. Talk about your not-especially-sharp objects. Zing.

Update: Found their factory's address in an old ad. Found a news article announcing the plan to demolish and de-asbestos the site. Now we can see that it's all apartments and townhouses there. Not fascinating, but there you go.

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Emmett Kelly - Writer's block.

Yesterday's post about the "Disappointment" heirloom art plate prompted Craig to mention Emmett Kelly in the comments. I then remembered that I had this Emmett Kelly picture I scanned from a children's book my older brother had in the sixties.
Emmett Kelly was a famous clown that was famous before Bozo was famous for being a famous clown. This was back in the fifties, when you could conceivably become famous just by performing in the circus.

I remembered this picture being funny for some reason, but now I can't remember why, for the life of me. I can't think of a single joke about this picture. It's just an ordinary, wholesome photograph of a clown feeding a hot dog to a young girl. Sorry to let everyone down. Must be writer's block, or maybe I'm losing my touch.

Emmett Kelly's clown character was called "Weary Willie".

It's interesting that Emmett Kelly's son, Emmett Kelly junior, stole some of dad's thunder by also dressing up as a clown called "Weary Willie". Emmett senior didn't care for this sort of thing, and the two didn't speak for years. I guess they made up eventually, before Emmett Sr.'s death in 1979. Strangely, his death was in no way boxcar-related.


Here's a photograph of Weary Willie Jr., that I stole from Wikipedia. I think this picture should also be hilarious, but man, I've got nothing. Maybe it's part of the ineffable magic of clowns that they can make the most innocent situation funny in a way that transcends culture or social zeitgeist. That sentence sounds true, but then why is it that I hate clowns?



Sorry this is such an off day for me. I'll try to find something funny to post tomorrow.

Antiques Creepshow - Saxy Clown

As a companion piece to yesterday's offering, The Velvet Clown, Phil Are GO! is proud to be able to offer this Jpeg of a photo of a painting, unearthed in Michigan City, Indiana. Entitled The Saxy Clown, this piece shows us a deeper, more soulful side of clown painting.

At first, one sees the clown's stunted arms, like those of a dinosaur. Was our little punchinello a thalidomide baby? Then your eye is drawn to the compelling black funnel of the saxophone's bell. But wait! The perspective is wrong. The mouth of the instrument must be a flat sticker or decal placed over the bell of the sax. It seems no one wants to hear the clown's mournful refrain of rejection. This cruel world would rather listen to the flat, insincere music of hypocrisy. This is a deft metaphor for the lack of respect that clowning receives from the public.

As anyone who has ever picked up a contra bassoon can explain, one can either smile or play a wind instrument, but not both at the same time. Today's clown painting shows us a clown smiling sadly while sadly playing a saxophone sadly. Maybe the poor clown would have more luck if he used a mouthpiece, instead of blowing directly into the neck of the instrument? What note is played when you simply clamp down a row of keys with all four fingers? A note in the key of weeping. It is to the uncredited artist's credit that he/she allows these profound misunderstandings to be the vector of emotional poignancy in the piece. Most significantly, this painting pulls at our emotions by displaying the artist's deep, sincere ignorance of music, and what could be sadder than that?

And yet, the skill with which the clown's lips are rendered conveys a deep familiarity with the way light glistens on a mouth covered with red greasepaint. Music may be a closed book to this artist, but it seems that he or she has more than a passing familiarity with clown lips.

If you click through the picture to the left, you will enjoy a large version of the image where can be made out the price sticker. Thirty dollars. That's all the store was asking. Surely this lonely, misshapen creature with Groucho eyebrows can find a welcome home on your hard drive for less than that? Please bid generously on today's offering before right-click saving the file. Won't you give this misbegotten a wall to hang on, in your computer? We begin the bidding at a crumpled up post-it note.

U.S. Naugahyde - The Cadillac of vinyl.

For those whose primary concern is their furniture's durability and hose-down-ability, U.S. Naugahyde brings you their 1957 line of shiny, resilient interior furnishings.

Everybody knows Naugahyde is just vinyl with a fabric backing, but did you know/care that the name "Naugahyde" comes from the Connecticut town of Naugatuck, where Naugahyde was first produced? Didn't think/know so.

The fact that Naugahyde was produced by U.S. Rubber is misleading. Vinyl (polyvinyl chloride) isn't rubber. It's plastic that's been tricked into being flexible like rubber, but not quite as stretchy. You couldn't make a workable automobile tire out of vinyl. Depending on how you formulate it, it can be hard or flexy. If you look at a Star Wars figure, you'll notice the torso is kind of hard, but the limbs are kind of soft. Both are PVC, but with different formulations. As a fun little science project, my dad once showed me that if you take a piece of hard PVC and submerge it in acetone for a few minutes, it will remove the hardener and will become the flexy species of PVC. If you leave it in the acetone even longer and stick around to monitor the progress, you'll also notice a  headache, blurred vision and slight unconsciousness.

Anyway, I generally like the Danish modern style of these sample rooms. The furniture is sleek and minmalist. The lines are all very clean and futuristic. Know what though? U.S. Rubber went too far with the vinyl flooring. Everything in the pictures is shiny and plastic. They should have thrown down some carpet to soften things up if they wanted to make it look inviting. But, I'm sure U.S. Rubber also made vinyl floor coverings, so that explains that.

Try as they might, I don't think vinyl ever really took off as a furniture covering. Even in a room-temperature room you can get a sweaty butt just from sitting there too long. Even leather, which is not the ideal couch material, breathes a little better than PVC. People with vinyl furniture quickly became the owners of many ass-puddles.

Notice that the decorators recognized the fact that television technology reached it's peak in 1957, and so they mounted the TV in the wall, safe in the confidence that they'd never want a different one. Well, the Thunderbirds had a TV in their wall, and that show was pretty cool, so maybe I can see why they gave it a whirl.

In a strange lack of continuity, the set decorators included some ornate and decidedly non-modern "art" pieces. Look at the curvy candle holders on the sideboard, and... a clown painting. Yes, these sad punchinellos once were considered lovable harbingers of joy. It's hard to imagine, but once upon a time, clowns were regarded with something other than horror and hatred.

As a special bonus treat/punishment for the readers, the Phil Are Go! Garage Sale Assault Squad has authorized the temporary publication of these rare clown prints for your sanitation. Click and save if you dare. The enigmatic artist "Michele" had a short but fiery career, prior to his/her conviction. These limited edition jpegs were produced in small quantities in cooperation with the parole board, with all proceeds going to the victims of the paintings. Please enjoy them for your cherishment and generations.