The March of Science

Western Pine Association - The jigsaw is up.

So, you're probably sitting there, thinking that laziness was invented a couple of years ago, and that before then, everyone was always really diligent and never cut corners. The Western Pine Association, long understood to be a near-constant volcano of always-new advertising art, is about to get busted wide open. Prepare to have your mind frikkin' blown, kid!

Lumber guys want us to build lots of things with wood. Got it.

But there's naother story here, and we're going to sniff it out. There's something familiar about the art in this ad. This looks like a job for the Phil Are GO! Investigative Reporting Team!. Let's get those guys in here, pronto.

We asked the P.A.G.I.R.T to type "western pine" into the search box on our own blog. When we did, many staffers whipped their glasses off in shock and said "My god, this goes all the way to the top."

Check out this link to our post about the Wetsern Pine Association from almost exactly one year ago. http://phil-are-go.blogspot.com/2015/03/western-pine-association-laundry-lady.html

Whaaaat?????? Art conspiracy exposed!!!

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Let the jig equal up.

Some fat cat at the Western Pine Association HQ got reeeeal creative with the art budget here. He probably paid a staffer to modify the old art to make the laundry lady into a cookout dad. So what did he do with the remaining art budget for the fence ad? There's no guessing, so let's start with some guessing. Those Big Pine Boys like to party, so maybe it went up his nose? Or maybe he spent it on a bunch of plywood hookers? Or maybe he just blew it all on some really expensive Italian pine suits?

One thing's for sure. This crooked little chef has got a background as transparent as the story the Western Pine Association is trying to feed us, and that means one thing: you can put this shady cook over whatever image you like, but he still stinks. Stinks, like crooked money and the scumbags that make the ads for the Western Pine Association. Watch your backs, people. We're through the looking glass here, people.

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The Domestic Fire.

Joke #1 - Realizing their house was on fire, Julia did what any parent would do and hid behind her son.

Joke #2 - When faced with an uncontrollable house fire, try to stay out of the effected room until the fire department extinguishes it, or at least until they have it under control.

Joke #3 - "Danny! I asked you to put your fire away before we left!"

Joke #4 - Tonight was going to be worse than Julia feared. The fire was home early from its business meeting, which was never a good sign... and it had been drinking.

Joke #5 - "Danny! I asked you to put out your room before we left! You're grounded, mister! Go straight to your room this instant! Yes! Your room!"

Joke #6 - This was why Julia disliked staying at unfamiliar hotels. Did the concierge say to continue past the raging fire, or to make a left?

Joke #7 - This was just terrific. Julia had just come home form Macy's with three new designer extinguishers. If only she had returned a few minutes earlier.

Joke #8 - Sure, it was great being Mrs. Mister Green Christmas, and Mrs. Mister One Hundred and One, but some days Julia really regretted marrying The Heat Miser. Then there were the family get-togethers.

Joke #9 - So, it turned out that building a Lamborghini powered by inexpensive "hoverboards" was a poor idea.... not to mention storing it in the kitchen.

Joke #10 - "Smaug honey, is that you? Uuh, you're home early. I was going to make dwarf tonight..."

Joke #11 - Flames and smoke poured from the kitchen. Julia cupped her son's bosom in terror.

Joke #12 - Awww, so sweet. Not only had the fire taken the afternoon off to come home early, it was also making dinner. Did she smell salmon?

Mr. FancyTolkienPants_2's love of the halflings' leaf has clouded his mind. Thanks for Joke #13, MFTP2! - Just then, Julia thought to herself that letting Danny play with his new friend the "Balrog of Morgoth" may not have been such a good idea...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Towing

Joke #1 - First she had used the "fake emergency phone call", and then the simple narcolepsy ploy, but now Janine's bad date escape tricks had become surprisingly intricate.

Joke #2 - This was a good find. A nice clean Cadillac. No rust. Gus would get a good price for it in Saudi Arabia. He just had to "clean out" the inside.

Joke #3 - Janine should have known better. One does not simply leave Scientology.

Joke #4 - Darn it, kids! You shouldn't just run off and have sex in the back of a car. Come with me and do it in church, where the Lord can see... oh yeah, and me too.

Joke #5 - The hook finally caught on the bumper. Now the car was as hot as the tow truck. All Gus had to do was wait for the capacitors to charge and throw the switch. He could taste those kids already.

Joke #6 - "Okay, the hook's on. Gimme a second and I'll have that bumper off in a jiffy."

Joke #7 - "Sorry, you're not allowed to park that here. City of Chicago's got laws, you know, and I got a job to do. Your parents can go to the impound lot in the morning to pick up your corpses."

Joke #8 - "Howdy, young lady! You seem to have some kind of fella lodged in your vagina. Just a second. I got a hook for that. Nope. Doggone it. That's the bumper."

Long time listener never-time caller Jim D. gave us joke #9. thanks, Jim! - "That's right, you're in a stolen car. Belongs to me. Rax Quigley. Even got my name on it. I'm Rax Quigley. Shoulda read that before you stole it."

Medium-time listener and frequent zinger Mat Black sent us joke #10. Thanks, Mat! - Deadliest Catch: Season 24...with memories of the now extinct Alaskan King all but a hazy memory; the intrepid fisherman set their focus on Classic Cadillacs and the like.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

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Extra wading pool uses.

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Bigness can be clicked for.

Metropolitan Life Insurance Company - Nature, It's Gonna Get Ya.

Summer is (more or less) here, Citizens! Get these urgent summer tips in your head, courtesy of MetLife in 1948!

And, just in case you were wondering what to have nightmares about tonight, please fail to enjoy this little song by Blue Wank, which has some background vocals with lots of reverse reverb. It makes a nice chant as you trudge through the undergrowth. "Nature. It's gonna gonna gonna gonna get yaaa..." May it shiver your timbers even more than nature does. Watch out for bugs... and commies.

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Barbasol - Like shooting decoys.

Telling people they'll never laid again. Is there any surer way to make a sale? This Barbasol ad thinks "nope!". It also has a nice martini girl and a weird saying.

This ad ran in the January 1943 issue of LIFE, which means it was on sale in December, because the magazine business is weird. I have never understood that.

Anyhoo, if you don't shave with Barbasol, no women will mash their face into yours. A strong motivation, as any red-blooded guy will tell you that face mashing is the gateway drug to other, even more delightful mashings. Ask your doctor if various mashings are right for you.

Barbasol makes shaving so easy, it's "like shooting decoys." Was that something people used to say? The P.A.G! Research and Googling Squad says that searching on that phrase just brings up a bunch of links about actual duck decoys. No mention of aphorisms implying easyness. Maybe Barbasol was trying to start a trend?

The other odd thing about the copy in this ad is that George feels the need to explain that he's George, even though the woman in the opening paragraph is addressing someone named George about his shaving. I think we would have figured out that George is George without it being spelled out for us. Give us some credit, advertising. We aren't all as dumb as you want us to be. The tiny girl in the martini glass never said "My name's Millie, and I'm tiny!", but one paragraph later, when George mentions taking Millie's advice, we know who she is. It's implied by context. Millie is George's seven inch tall love interest, and he hopes to impress her with the smoothness of his face, as sampled by mashing it against her wee little face, with the hopes of exploring parts beyond her face as potential mashing candidates. This now leads us to questions about relative scale regarding their various parts beyond. Poor George. He better not screw it up with Millie. How many seven inch women can there be?

Here's Millie as a handy clip art. Use her for a flyer or party invitation. Just don't tell everyone you're banging a seven inch tall woman. Let them assume your martinis are just four feet in diameter. Right click Millie in just the right spot and give her a home in your hard drive. With a girl like Millie, can there be any wrong click? You're welcome.

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Neighbors and Helpers - Camping.

Good news, wonderers. The Phil are GO! Garage Sale Assault Squad has made the critical acquisition of the 1936 school book "Neighbors and Helpers". It's not a first edition, which may be the reason that a child felt free to scribble all over the pages. Observe the vivid green fabric cover with lively brown and beige silk screening.

We haven't even opened the book yet and already we're learning. The cover illustration teaches animals how to go into the forest to feed the wild children that grow there, in a feral state. One of the children is so feral that she doesn't wear shoes and goes about wearing only a toga. One feral boy wears overalls like a savage. So feral!

In today's story, Joe and his nameless father, named "Father" are seen walking in a park near a city, possibly called "The City". Father is so relaxed that he only feels the need to wear one of his jackets, since it is a warm summer day.

Joe expresses some interest in sleeping under a tree, as well as some awareness that there are people called "Indians". This is fairly progressive material for 1939. This may be the only copy of Neighbors and Friends to escape the bonfire.

Joe's interest in tree-sleeping results in an eventual camping trip. In this illustration, we learn that, when camping, it is acceptable to dress informally. Father is wearing a camping tie and a camping fedora. Joe is wearing his special red camping tie, as well as the hat he usually reserves for occasions in which he addresses people as "mug".

In the chapter "Making Camp", the critical question is "What did father do to make camp?". In short order, we discover that one makes camp by making an "Indian" do it for you. The Indian is as nameless as Father, but also is not allowed to speak or be spoken to. There is no explanation how the Indian got here from India. There is also no mention of "Mother".

At one point, Joe and Father see a bear. Father knows enough to instruct his son to freeze. One wonders what would have been his advice had the bear chosen to investigate further, instead of running off.

After the encounter, it may have been viewed as a fine time to teach Joe how to keep their food supply from attracting bears to their camp site, and thereby prevent an untidy disemboweling. But apparently, you'd have to be an Indian to know that. Maybe Father also brought his anti-bear tie on this trip?

At the end of the story, there is more labor for the Indian, and we finally discover the existence of Mother! Joe expresses some hope that next summer, Mother can go camping with him and father, but this would involve her being allowed to leave the house. Maybe next year?

DeVry Tech - Ticking the boxes.

DeVry Tech of 1960 wants you to train up as an electronics engineer, but from looking at their ad, you'd think it was for atomic research. This ad ticks all the boxes on the Atomic Art Style application sheet.

Asterisk star thingies? Check. Inaccurate-but-who-cares drawing of an atom? Check. Chalky shading stuff? Check. Single spot color printing? Check. Big pointy rocket? Oh, you better believe that's a big old check.

Their building was located at 4141 Belmont Ave. Let's go see what's there now, shall we?



Lofts/condos/apartments. There were a lot of buildings converted to residential use back in the days of the real estate bubble. However, I heard a story on the radio saying that they kind of overbuilt, and there's a bit of a glut in the real estate market in Chicago. Maybe this means you can get into the old DeVry building for cheap?

What happened to DeVry? They're still around, see? About 8 minutes worth of car-driving away from the old location.




I'm sure that, if you showed this new building to the DeVry staff of 1960, they'd say it looks really futuristic. Still needs more asterisk stars, though.

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Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 6 - The controls of your auto-car.

In this chapter of Sportsmanlike Driving, we'll learn about how your twiddles and wiggles of the levers and actuators inside the control cabin of your auto-car make it go. Auto-cars are mysterious machines that are incomprehensible by the human mind, so you should rely on these illustrations to force your human brain to understand that your actions inside the car have an effect out in the real world.

HEAD LIGHTS: Your auto-car has "head lights" that illuminate the road, for safer driving at night. They are positioned on the front, or "head", of the auto-car. But what's that metal plunger on the floor? It brightens your headlights, which allows even greater visibility, but is only safe when there are no cars approaching from the opposite direction, or just cars driven by the blind.

As you can clearly see in the illustration, the high beams are brighter, which is indicated here by a darker color. The car on top has it's high-beams activated, while the car on the bottom is using its low beams, which are actually dimmer in reality. Just remember this catchy rhyme to help you keep it straight:

"High beams are darker in the picture, but every good boy knows darker means brighter in real life hath November, and mixture."

ACCELERATOR PEDAL: Your auto-car would be useless unless it went, except perhaps to provide shelter from the retribution of The Lord when The Rapture comes. The "accelerator pedal" makes the car go. But how do you know which way to press it? Should you press it up and away from the floor, or towards the floor in a way that makes sense with how your foot is constructed? Once again, here is a helpful illustration to keep things clear.

As you can see, pressing the accelerator pedal tilts a butterfly valve that allows gas and air to flow down a hallway to combustion chambers that run underneath the floor of your car. Combustion occurs here, driving the wheels somehow. Nobody knows what the heavy lump up in the engine compartment is for. To travel in your car, press the accelerator pedal. When you arrive at your destination, release the accelerator pedal.

OIL PRESSURE: The parts in your cars engine (wherever that is) need oil to work properly. The oil pressure gauge lets you know that there is pressure  on the oil, ensuring engine functionality. Here's how it works.

Inside the engine, there is a pump, which keeps the oil pressure needle in the middle. The lever connecting the two has a mustache, which represents safety. The engine has a hat.

Spot the Joke - Ping Pong

The Saturday Evening Post was America's non-threatening comfort food of the brain. It strived for mass appeal by angering no one and being as agreeable to mainstream culture as humanly possible. So, of course there can be no better recipe for great cartoons and a cutting wit, right? Please join the Phil Are GO! Joke-getting Assault Squad in a bit of joke archaeology. Help us figure out what exactly is the joke in this comic from America's blandest news source, the Saturday Evening Post. Help us Spot the Joke!

Theory #1 - The wife likes to make her husband bend over a lot, because he has a prosthetic pelvis that is subject to a manufacturer recall and is due for replacement. This is funny.

Theory #2 - The man needs to lose a little weight, so his wife chose this moment to exaggerate his width, by acting as though she hit the ball "his way", as if he were twenty feet wide. This is funny.

Theory #4 - Hoping to add a little spice to their domestic life, the couple has agreed to play ping pong to decide who will extract information from the prisoners this evening. This is funny.

Theory #3 - That's not a ping pong ball. This is funny.


Jim D. has found a clue! Theory #4, coming your way! - Lamp is set low enough to interfere with husband's vision, high enough for wife's line of sight to be clear. Wife's continuous pretense that she can't see exactly where husband is standing bamboozles husband into thinking playing field is level. Loser subject to extreme sexual humiliation. Thus, wife's statement is sarcastic. Sarcasm is funny.
You see, back in them days, readers was willing to work a little extra harder to "get" the joke. Not like us modern-age devolved folk, who are so dependent on instant gratification that we even resort to watching SpongeBob episodes speeded up on YouTube!


Theory #4 comes to us from "anonymous", doing a very poor job of concealing his identity. - In an attempt to retrieve the ping pong ball, the Wife expels gas in the Husband's direction & feels the need to "warn him" of the impending nasal offense - in his typical fashion. This is funny, in a vengeful sense.

- Mr.FancyHotPants_2 

[Commenter theories will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 3 - Your Driving Impairment.

One of the greatest hazards to driving in a safe, unimpaired manner is Impairment. This chapter of Sportsmanlike Driving will instruct you in both kinds of Driving Impairment, so that you may be on constant watch for their insidious threat. You may never know when Driving Impairment will strike!




DRIVING IMPAIRMENT TYPE ONE: ALCOHOL!

Drinking and driving an auto-car rarely make a good combination. But how drunk is too drunk to drive? If you've just had three or four martinis, you may be Driving Impaired. However, remember that just one glass of kerosene could also make you an Impaired Driver. Here is everything you need to know in one convenient chart. Please clip out this "1955 drunkenness reference chart" and carry it with you in your car, so that you may always understand if you are too drunk to drive, or just drunk enough to drive very carefully. If your blood alcohol level is .15% or greater, you may be at risk for being an advertising executive. Please think before you advertise.

DRIVING IMPAIRMENT TYPE TWO: JAZZ!

There is a demon on the loose in our youth culture. Listening to subversive, crazy "jazz music" always leads to madness, death, and Driving Impairment. Insidious intoxicants like laudanum and absinthe are common in "jazz culture", and these lead invariably to Driving Impairment. The challenge lies in detecting jazz. Modern Science has given us miraculous new tools in jazz detection.

The man in this picture is being tested for jazz with the use of an "opium bulb". The examining officer offers the "opium bulb" to the test subject. If the subject knows how to use it, then he is a certain "jazz freak", and must not be allowed to drive an auto-car. Also, the officer may search the subject for books of poetry, or an even surer sign: free verse. Poetry is a sure sign of absinthe or opium habituation. Ask yourself. Do YOU enjoy poetry? Do YOU like to write expressively, with no punctuation or adherence to the rules of grammar? Are YOU moved by the wonder of nature? You may be "high" on laudanum, absinthe or opium. You may be Driving Impaired.

DEATH DETECTIVE. Can you spot how this man has died of Driving Impairment?  Look at the cans on the wall, and the curious neighbor in the window. Those cans are full of absinthe - enough absinthe to kill a marketing firm. And look at the neighbor. She has been woken by having her culture subverted. Do you see those jagged noise lines emanating from the car's dash-board? The motorist has died of hateful, crazy "jazz music", and it's chemical influence, before he can even exit his garage!

Other kinds of un-American music present a lesser threat to Safe Driving. Yodeling, or Indian war-whoops, for example, often require you to take a hand off the wheel, leading to Driving Impairment. Stay safe, kids. Listen only to Lawrence Welk or possibly Les Baxter while driving an auto-car.

Grey-Rock Brake Linings - Free avatars... better than that stupid movie!

Boy, I tell you, Asbestos was the wonder-material du jour back in '49. They made brake linings out of it, which, come to think of it, is one of the least horrifying uses for the stuff, back in the days before anybody cared that asbestos basically wanted everybody to die all the time. Brake linings are a comparatively sensible application for asbestos, as opposed to, say, retainers or diapers or something.

And, history doesn't get to use the ignorance plea. As early as 1898, factory inspectors noticed that asbestos had a weird "kinda sicky-killy" effect on workers. But I'm sure the good people at Raybestos made sure their workers were well looked-after, right?

Anyhoo, the reason this spot color ad found it's way onto my desk today is this great picture of a terrified driver. You could use him for lots of things. Because of his mind-boggling utility, we'll present him to you in a bunch of formats. Don't miss the avatar-friendly (NO, not that stupid movie written by a fifth grade girl!) 64x64, 96x96, and 128x128 sizes - just right for your favorite automotive forum. Just be sure and tell your jealous pals where you got it. Who's your buddy?

 Something very weird happens whenever I save these as JPEGs. His eyes turn grey. I can't figure why that's happening, so all these images below are PNGs. If the Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade can't give me an answer by high lunch, I'm sacking them and going back to the Commodore 64 for all my graphicking.

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64 x 64

96 x 96

128 x 128