Easily Prepared Variegated Nutrient orbs

Cooking with flaccid vegetables.

Kooking Kornir - Insolent Fish Paste Mockery.

Pathetic creatures of Earth! If you are like me, Oteogg, Conquerer of All Space, you are intolerant of insolent subcreatures! I sure know I am like me! These uppity morsels must be put in their place! Their place is in one of your three digestive chambers, deep within your thorax! Hah! This day, we will prepare an insolent fish for mockery and devouring!

Observe this serving suggestion with your eyestalks or be destroyed!!!!

Begin by acquiring a fish of non-specific species! Do not waste my time with your mewlings of "but certain types of fish must be prepared in specific ways, O mighty Oteogg". SILENCE!!! You will also be devoured in due time for your insolence! If I spent all day determining the species of creatures, I would have very little time for the devouring of them! Now you've gone and made me angry!!!!

"Fish" are aquatic creatures commonly found in water! They think they are just sooo clever! Begin your fish search by removing all water from Earth with your ship's forward thermal cannon! Set your thermal cannon's heat setting to "most of it" and treat the planet for approximately nine minutes! Then, after making planetfall, descend from your vessel and select one of the fish that is still thrashing around in the mud, gasping its last! It has spirit! It must be destroyed!!! Return to your ship's galley with the insolent fish!

Place the insolent fish in a medium fish blender! Using the "destroy" setting, reduce the fish to a slurry, and then storm out of the room to let it think about what it has done! Do not be moved by its pleas for mercy! Quickly return to the room in a rage, shouting into the blender "YOUR EFFORTS ARE IN VAIN, SUBCREATURE!!!". Then, stab the "eliminate" button on your blender! This will reduce the fish to a Frothy Liquid! Do not forget to put on the lid! You do not want fish insolence sprayed all over your nice, clean galley! Unless that's what you are into, in which case that would be what you do, in fact, want! You do you, baby!!!

The fish is nearly ready for the final humiliation!

Select a fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form from your wall of artfully displayed Nutrient Compression Forms! Slam the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form down on the table next to the blender and shout the following at the blender: "I DID NOT WANT IT TO COME TO THIS, BUT YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!!!" Then, laugh with child-like glee!

Pour the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into the fish-shaped Nutrient Compression Form, in hideous mockery of its previous self! Then shout "SEE? I DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT! YOU MADE ME DO IT!!!" Place the Nutrient Compression Form containing the Frothy Insolent Fish Liquid into your refrigerator overnight to chill, to become gelatinous, and to reflect on its crimes with all gelatinous shame.

The following day, your Insolent Fish Paste Mockery will be ready to serve to your unappreciative crew! They have no idea what you do for them! You work and you slave! All they do in return is cower in insolent terror! As you watch your crew timidly devour the Insolent Fish Paste Mockery, slowly reach for your crew-shaped Nutrient Compression Form!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!!!

Communication ends!

Gone Squishin'

Lea & Perrins - Mocking steak.

So, let's say it's 1968, and you've got yourself a little "worst economic crisis since the Great Depression" to enjoy with Western world. You've got a few pounds of ground meat and some veg. What do you put on the table to feed a family ? Sure, you could put together a nice honest classic like shepherd's pie, but what if you want to add that little extra dash of depression by reminding your family of what you can't afford? Lea & Perrins to the rescue!

Let's make a mock steak! Along with all that meat and a few strips of fat bacon, you've got the makings of a hilarious parody of a T-bone steak! Ha ha ha! Being desperate can be fun!

Using the ground meat and some other stuff, you can mash up a batch of multifunctional food putty that be pushed into the plausible shape of a fancier meal. Assuming your family have never seen or eaten an actual steak before, their stomachs will never know what hit them!

See? You can use some strips of, uuh, "bacon" to simulate a nice thick rind of fat. Remember to start with lean pork! Fatty pork would be gross and icky!

Broil the whole thing up while constantly painting it with meat flavored sauce and in twenty minutes you've got some kind of thing that people can probably eat and tell themselves it was kind of like a steak in a way! Toss on a couple of carrot strips to perfectly duplicate a T-bone, and you're ready to make them eat it! Fun-nuh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

See how much better this is than hamburgers or a casserole or shepherd's pie or any of those other things that don't remind your family that you're deprived? Yeah! You see! And  because it's 1968, later on you can take your mind off your recent dinner by listening to some Steppenwolf and smoking that reefer that you spent the grocery money on. Problem solved! "What economic crisis, man?"

Click for big.

Kooking Kornir - Fish Punishment Number Ten

Greetings, Human supplicants! This day I will ram into your brain-holes the knowledge of how to prepare a beloved Nutrient Arrangement favored by none of my crew. BUT I FORCE IT UPON THEM ANYWAY!!! Prepare for instructions regarding Fish Punishment Number Ten!!!

If fish on your planet are like the fish on my planet, you know that fish can be insolent and surly! Thus, must we punish fish at every opportunity! Am I right girlfriend!!! Do not answer, because I am right! This Nutrient Preparation will serve the twin-pronged purposes of punishing all available fish as well as horrifying your crew into obedience! We will begin!

Begin by locating a small body of water and shouting at it! Fish are less stroppy when they are startled! Wearing your largest Culinary Assault Boots, stomp around in the water / liquid methane / nitrogen slurry with great vigor and also in a chaotic fashion, so that the fish do not know what is happening! Use the fishes' confusion to your tactical advantage! Seize them! Store them in a disused Handy Andy multi-purpose bucket and carry them off to your landing craft! If it is a long walk, periodically refresh your fishes' terror by shouting into your bucket!

Back in the galley, prepare a delicious breading by combining two eggs and one box of Mother Gakstomil's Extra Delicious Fish Punishment Bread Crumbs! Mix them in a number six fuel container! Do not forget to periodically point at your fish and tell them they know what they did, and that there is no use crying about it now!

Split your fishes longitudinally with your standard issue Giant Horrifying Dagger. Curl both fish flaps into delightful spirals, leaving the ends attached to the head! Pierce them with a standard Horrifying Skewer! At this point, your fish may entreat you to release them! Do not harken to their words! Fishes are golden-tongued manipulators!

Next, retrieve some pseudopods from your sleeping navigator with your Giant Horrifying Dagger! If he begins to awaken, simply hit him with the away vehicle! Pseudopods acquired! Return to the galley!

Spread out the breading on your Nutrient Preparation Surface and roll all your food items in the breading! This includes the fish windings and navigator pseudopods! At this point, your fishes may offer you a bargain, perhaps to make your their king, in exchange for their freedom! Deny their parlay! Tell them they are free to be delicious! Ha ha ha ha! Add the pseudopods to the Horrifying Skewers and then exit your craft!

Roast the fishes behind your vessel's primary thruster under normal burn for up to four milliseconds! Return to the galley and prepare to give your crew a traumatic experience they will doubtlessly report to the Admiralty! Fools! They do not appreciate Fish Punishment Number Ten! No One does!

I Am Oetogg! I have spoken!!!

Cooking Kornir - Flesh Paste Puck

Insolent worms! Prepare to accept a satisfying midnight snack solution into your pathetic human brains! Flesh Paste Puck!

If you are like me - and you will be destroyed if you are not - you often find yourself hungry, long after lights out has been declared on your starship! This Flesh Paste Puck satisfies the universal need for pasted flesh as well as your need for pucks! It is delightful or be destroyed!!!

Begin by seeking flesh. On most Sigma-Class Starships, the handiest form of flesh is your insolent First Officer. Seek him amidships, where he foolishly becomes inert and somnolent for many hours per day! Foolish creatures! Never become inert near Oteogg!!!

Depending on your personnel, noise may be an issue during capture! Eliminate this problem with a standard two-hundred gallon Ziploc freezer bag. Such bags are insulated against both noise and fluid leakage, and they come in convenient conqueror-sized multi-packs! It's just good sense, people!

Next, the time has come for the flesh to be pasted! This is most easily accomplished through routine disciplinary measuers, or "questioning". Question your First Officer until he is of a fine and creamy consistency! Collect the flesh paste in a number six officer-sized flesh bucket and slink off to the mess! This is space talk for "kitchen", ignorant readers! Slink off to the kitchen!

Refrigerate your flesh paste in the hard vaccuum of space for several seconds, to thicken the paste for additional firmness! In my experience, this is most easily achieved by sticking your arm out of the ship while holding the number six officer-sized flesh bucket. Seek the airlock! Alternately, you may simply punch your bucket-holding fist through the hull! Fate rewards the resourceful foodie!

Garnish your flesh paste puck with ridiculous vegetable matter that you will never eat, space bugs, and eyeballs. Messily devour the flesh paste puck and return to your resting chamber! You will need your strength to appoint a new First Officer!

Recipe complete! I am Oetogg! I have spoken!

Kooking Kornir - The Fish Bread Deception

It's summer time, outdoor eaters, and have we got a super fun backyard treat just full of protein and beigeness that your family will possibly just love! Let's pound up a batch of summertime Fish Bread Deception!

Begin by boiling up a couple of fistfulls of crayfish, or jumbo shrimp, or crawbugs or whatever. They're all pretty much just gigantic bugs anyway, and by the time we're done with them, they'll be unrecognizable! Boil the crap out of them!

While the shrimpdads are boiling their crap out, combine some cornicles, lentils, and potatocytes in a lentil-safe frying bowl. Fry on low heat until the lentils make the whole kitchen smell like someone left a shoe in the oven too long. Remove hurriedly from heat when your gorge rises to the top of your neck. After all, we're not serving neck-gorge tonight, so save it for another time!

Combine the vegetable friedness and the crap-out-of-boiled shrimpfish. Allow them to become friends, briefly.

Punish the veggie mix and craybugs with a #9 gauge food-grade punishing mallet. Those giant bugs are ugly as heck, and your ungrateful kids won't eat them if they can tell what they are, so punish eveyone. First, punish the shrimpcraws for being nutritiously ugly, and we'll use them as the key ingredient to punish your family for the pain of childbirth, the loss of your idealism, and that time when you had to have the back seat of your car dry cleaned because of that thing they did. Punish the jumbocraws into a thick veggie-fish paste.

Fry up some tomato juice, adding butter, and a few more riverbugs, if your family likes it chunky style. After they're already eaten, remember to ask them if they would have preferred non-chunky style. Then, add the fish paste, creating an unholy union of summertime cheer!

Wups! We need to thicken it up! Do this by pushing the unholy union through a fish strainer to force out any unnecessary water, leaving only wonderful, nutritive thickened unholy fish paste union.

Now, the fun part! Hollow out a load of bread and scoop the unholy fish paste union into the void.
Be sure to seal the end of the bread with the original breadcap, so it looks completely acceptable.
Serve chilled for a wonderfully healthy sumemrtime vaguely tuna-sandwich-like experience that your
family is sure to possibly appreciate, sort of! Just watch their faces when you slice into this perfectly
normal loaf of bread to reveal your outrageously healthy fish sandwich thing. Your surprised family
will be silent with joy! Hooray for Fish Bread Deception!

Click for big.

Kooking Kornir - Gelatinous Crater Mite Larval Ring.

Pathetic humans! Prepare to accept a delightful summer recipe or be destroyed! Gelatinous Crater Mite Larva Ring! Observe this image with your eyestalks!

If you are like me, Oteogg, Conqueror of All Space, you know how long the summer afternoons can be on any planet within seven thousand kilometers of your parent star! Armed with the formidable preparation whose construction I am about to describe, your young will be begging for a complete absence of dessert, for their bellies will be full of wonderful crater mite larvae!

Begin by harvesting crater mite larvae from your local scorched, uninhabitable crater! Remain motionless for not less than six hours, and crater mite larvae will emerge from subterranean burrows to eat your flesh! The joke will be on them, as you seize them in your mighty claws, flinging them into your larvae bucket! Return to your base, and lightly kill your crater mite larvae with a mite mallet, placing them in a level three containment field while you prepare the bundt cake pan!

Seize a bundt cake pan and slather the interior with food-grade dietary lubricant! Then, pour in an introductory layer of multipurpose protein gelatin! Allow the introductory layer to set, then add the crater mite larvae, arranging them in a delightful fashion, as shown in the image above! Observe delight now!

On top of the larval layer, add chunks of adult crater mite meat! Whoops! Go back to the scorched, uninhabitable crater and capture an adult crater mite, first! I am sorry! Fill the bundt cake pan to the rim with the remaining multipurpose protein gelatin! Allow this preparation to become firm, over a period of one pathetic Earth hour in a refrigeration unit, or outside the hull of your ship! The firming process may be accelerated by shouting at it!

Present this to your young and / or troopers while screaming the Song of Grinding With Teeth, and watch them cower with joy!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!

Communication ends!

Kooking Kornir - Lord of the frys.

Hello, savages! It's summertime, and that means serving up your stickiest, drippiest dishes right in your own fire pit! Today we're going to have our own little barbaric luau featuring an adorable pig effigy that your little band of castaways can fight over, as if it were the last food they'd ever see! I have the conch shell, so shut up and listen, you sillies!

Start by running a nice hot bath for your pig... a bath of some kind of soup, I mean! Gumbo or Mulligatawny will do, as long as it has lots of chunks in it. Be sure your "bathtub" is big enough to accommodate one dirty little four pound piggy. Someone needs a wash... in gravy!

Piggy can be made from almost any castoffs from the butcher's counter. We made his body from a beef heart. His head is a giblet, and his legs are chicken drumsticks and wings, cleverly arranged to look just like an unhappy porker. Dig a hole in the sand and line the bottom with charcoal or a bowl of gasoline, or both! Light it up, and when things are nice and hot, in goes piggy, wrapped in tinfoil.

You'll be hard pressed to keep your little tribe of natives at bay long enough for piggy to cook fully, so keep them from eating each other by serving up some beans, yams, fruit and all your heaviest summertime fare, fit for a full day of backyard fun in the blazing sun. But don't let them forget the real star of the show! This little piggy will go "whee whee whee" all the way home... IN YOUR STOMACH, hahahaha!

Click for big.

Kooking Kornir - Memorial Day Recipe Special: S'mlesses!

It's Memorial Day weekend, eaters! And that means cookouts and fires and whatever! Have we got a campfire recipe you! You're going to wish you could be memorialized when you wrap your mouth around our instant classic cookie to die for! S'mlesses!

After your belly is full of hamburgers and bratwurst pizza, etc., you need a nice rustic dessert to put a lid on all the eating. Our campfire cookies will have your guests shouting for less, because they're so darned satisfied!

Just like that "other" classic DIY campfire cookie, it just takes three ingredients: saltine crackers, swiss cheese, and expanded foam corn syrup circus peanuts. Swiss cheese can be cut into quarters, sized perfectly for a saltine cracker. If you need help cutting in a straight line, try using a hot dog as a straight edge.

You will need some kind of skewer to roast your circus peanuts. You can use a stick for that "emerald ash bore" flavor, but here we're using a bicycle spoke. Don't worry about your bike, you won't be wanting to go for a ride for some time. S'mlesses are that good!

Roast your circus peanut to taste. We think you'll find that roasting brings out the secret hidden flavor of circus peanuts. Ssh! Don't tell Martha Stewart!

Now it's time for all the magic to happen! Building your S'mless. Whilte it's still nice and hot, put your circus peanut in between the saltines with a piece of swiss cheese.

Then squeeze and watch all the gooey delicious flavor spew itself out! Now it's time to go in your mouth! See? Isn't it a taste sensation? Such big flavor!

So there you have it. A fun-to-make campfire cookie that will have your guests wishing they hadn't eaten so much. They'll be shouting for "S'mless!!!"

You're welcome!

Pathetic human nutrient preparations! Prepare to scoff!

Readers observe! I have discovered ancient human scrolls indicating procedural nutrient preparation for temporal celebrations! Their rituals are more pitiful than I had previously considered! Now is the time of scoffing and anticipation of the human downfall! Prepare to receive data!

It is true that humans know that their heads are their most delicious possessions, for their succulent brains are stored within! They will attempt to deceive you with these ridiculous head simulants while the actual humans escape with their real heads! Observe their pathetic construction! They are not even dimensional! These are merely planar glucose preparations with facial simulations constructed from smaller food items! DO NOT BE DECIEVED!

Here are a row of foolish humans, confident that their head simulants have made them safe from brain consumption! Look at them, brazenly displaying their delicious brains! Pathetic humans! YOUR CONFIDENCE IS ERRONEOUS!

Humans believe they know the technique of preparing Horta for temporal celebration gatherings! Here we see a tray of roughly circular shapes and thinly sliced animal film surrounding a small Horta! Their intent is to eat the horta! Humans lack the understanding of Hortas enjoyed by Oteogg! THIS HORTA IS NOT DEAD! If the humans merely engage their infrared vision, they will see this!

Observe! The Horta's hindbrain is still very warm! Just wait until the insolent humans cut into it with their type-II phasers! There will be acid and much crying out of "My pathetic human skin! Acid! Burning it!" BEGIN LAUGHING NOW!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!