Stories to Fuck Up Your Kids

Gabriel is down.

Steal my shit.

No Arks.

The Adventures of Bubbles

Story Time - Comcast

Supplicants for Manglor.

Jameson Whiskey - So... dolls?

In the 1939 issue of Fortune magazine, journal of captains of industry and what the Monopoly guy reads on the can, you'll see lots and lots of ads for hard liquor. Boy, did those industry captains like to salute the bottle. Yowza. This ad has weird dolls, for some reason.

Usually, when an ad has a baffling picture, there'll be some kind of visual pun or hint in the copy that helps the picture make sense. Nope. Just those weird Art Clokey figures pouring us a glass of Jameson's finest... through a bung hole punched in the side of the bottle, somehow?

It seems that's how the art director solved the problem of "How do you show a  ten-inch wooden dude pouring a drink while keeping the label right side up so the reader can read it?" Bizarre.

Well, they were probably having a little Jameson at the production meeting.

Rainy Day Meh Projects

Monstrosities of Science, #7

The arm hose box test.

Joke #1 - Test one, session forty-three. Sexual attraction detector still seems to be non-functional. Will try re-attaching sensor with wires reversed to see if result changes.

Joke #2 - It always made Sandra feel good to stop by the Red Cross to donate a box of blood.

Joke #3 - Winston's card tricks were getting tediously complicated.

Joke #4 - "Nope. It's the two of clubs. Looks like we draw another pint. Jeez, you're getting bad at this."

Joke #5 - Magic, The Gathering did not start out as such a simple game.

Joke #6 - "I see your pint and raise you a teaspoon."

Joke #7 - "Wups! I sneezed in the box. I'll have to throw this one out, too. I hope you've got another pint in you. I really need a better way of storing blood, huh?"

Joke #8 - "That's strange. These readings indicate you're annoyed and want to go home."

Joke #9 - "Egad! Sandra! It says you're a jazz lover! Say it's not so!"

Joke #10 - Of course, Mrs. Schrodinger's blood wouldn't actually be of one type or another until the box was opened...

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]

Monstrosities of Science #6

The March of Science #7

1939 Plymouth Halftrack

1939 De Luxe Plymouth Four-Door Touring Sedan

The College of Swedish Massage

Joke #1 - Charles was really going to have to get into a different line of work. He was tired of his friends using quotation fingers every time they talked about what he did for a living.

Joke #2 - "Thank you so much, Doctor... errr... what was it again? Oh yes! Doctor Charles Goingdownonme, expert in Swedish Massage."

Joke #3 - "We'll see you again next Tuesday, Mrs. Weston. In the meantime, try to favor your other mons pubis for a while."

Joke #4 - This was terrific! Charles should have changed his title years ago. Business was much better than when he was "Dr. Charles Festerbrook, Expert in East German Massage".

Joke #5 - "Very well, then, Mrs. Weston, I'll be sure to get in touch with you if I experience that swelling again."

Joke #6 - "Thank you so much, Doctor! My Swedish feels so much better now!"

Joke #7 - This was terrific! Charles should have changed his title years ago. Business was much better than when he was "Dr. Charles Festerbrook, Clumsy Oaf in Swedish Massage".

Joke #8 comes to us from long-time smirker Mr. FancyInnuendoPants_2. Thanks, MFIP! - "Please do try my other bi-lingual services, Miss Mona. I also have expertise in 'French Kissing', the 'Dutch Oven' and I handle my 'German Sausage' quite well indeed..." Dr. Charles stated with much confidence....."I'm sure you do, Dr. Charles..", quipped Miss Mona, "...and please remove your hand from my ass"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]

Voder - Hideous 1939 speech synthesizer spells the end of all civilization.

Wake up, citizens! Computers have begun to speak, and certainly within Five Years, these devil machines shall surely be issuing commands for us all to obey!

As I have just read in Popular Science Monthly, there is now a machine that can be manipulated by a human participant to spew utterances that are indistinguishable from Human Speech! Consternation and uproar! What horrors does this hideous contrivance have in store for Mankind? Will it tear itself loose from its moorings and storm across the Territory, ripping out our throats, demanding that only machines may be allowed to speak? This can only end in destruction of all civilization and universal discomfort, Dear Readers! Surely this monstrosity is only the first of an army of machines, bent on Human Conquest!

Please enjoy this article on what will doubtlessly be the end of all civilization. Death! Blood! Horror! In case you are wondering what this "voder" (which secretly goes by the alias "Pedro") sounds like, don't miss the pasted photo-play beneath the article at the bottom of the page. Be informed that to hear the machine speak is to plunge into madness itself. Like and subscribe!

Animal on the Street - Oxford's Word of the Year: "post-truth".

http://time.com/4572592/oxford-word-of-the-year-2016-post-truth/

A Child's Guide to Rejection, 1939

Popular Science, 1939 - Uncle Sam Fights a New Drug Menace... Marijuana.

Citizens, we face a new horror that is sure to destroy all of our Society. This horror is not the dreaded Nosebeetle or Wild Boars. It is an innocent-looking weed that is determined to crush all of humanity... if Uncle Sam gives up the Fight!

Please read, with all Terror, this complete report from the good pages of Popular Science Monthly, of May, Nineteen Hundred and Thirty Nine. It's grim reading, friends. I hope you're sitting down. We certainly hope none of this Indian Hemp finds its way into your Home.