Let's Drive Right, Pt.2 - Love.

Here are two really useful tips from 1964's Let's Drive Right on the subject of love on the road. Do them all the time.

If you have Road Trouble when you're a woman, open the hood to show the world that you know where the engine is, and that it's something enginey gone wrong with the tire. While waiting for a person to come change your tire or engine, just stare out at the world. To make help come sooner, consider tying your underpants to the door handle. This may also attract bears. The woman in the picture has taken the  precaution of wearing a helmet for extra safety.

When on a motor-car trip with a prospective consort, take the opportunity to fasten your seatbelt in a very slow and luxuriant manner. This is a very effective way of directing her attention to your weenus. During the fastening process, check back occasionally to make sure she's watching. She should be transfixed (see photo). If she fails to show interest, quickly drive to a shopping center and release her. Banging two frying pans together may help to scare her out of the car.


Stormy Night

Joke #1 - Disoriented, slurring, and woozy, he staggered into the road. Wilford Brimley had gotten ahold of some bad oatmeal.

Joke #2 - "No, sir. I'm sorry. We haven't got any hookers. How bout it we just drop you off at the Capitol Building?"

Joke #3 - Disoriented, slurring, and woozy, he staggered into the road, hoping the driver could spare some oxycontin... maybe in return for a "favor"? This should have been the bottom of the barrel, but for Limbaugh, this was called "Saturday".

Joke #4 - "Grandpa, this is NOT how flash mobs work!"

Joke #5 - "Please come back home, dad. I was joking. B.J. and the Bear is not cancelled."

Joke #6 - "Sir? I don't think you're allowed to park that there."

Joke #7 - "Eeew! Honey, keep driving! I'ts Carl Rove!"

Joke #8 - Ever since the government chose to regulate the sale of cheap, imported gorilla costumes, Yeti sightings had gotten more and more pathetic.

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]
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Let's Drive Right, Pt.1 - Road trouble.

The U.S. continues to receive the ultimate polar wedgie today, and no states are harder hit than The South, for whom snow is something they only see on Ice Road Truckers, but probably assumed was Photoshop. The results have been hilarious. "Millimeter upon millimeter" of terrifying snow has coated roads, and true to the nature of a generation for whom information is plentiful and basically free, they had no idea it was coming and are completely ignorant of how to handle it. As a result, cars are cartwheeling across lanes of traffic and debris arcs through the air, trailing smokey tentacles behind baffled news reporters cowering from the "falling ice pieces from the wicked, wicked clouds".

If only they'd had a copy of "Let's Drive Right", Third Edition (the one with the funniest hair), courtesy of 1964. Don't become a statistic! Let's learn what to do in case of Road Trouble!

Slow-Moving farm Equipment - Learn when to panic.

The motorist doesn't know there's anything up ahead. Bird Chirp. Hillbillies "a-hyuk" gently in the distance. A perfect afternoon.

Still no sign of trouble. No reason to slow down. Free and clear!

Admiring the sky. Maybe thinking about some golf later on, while accelerating kind of a lot.

"Aaah! Dear god! Some kind of farm thing! Must apply brakes with both wing tips! Release wheel with all your might!

This motorist has made the mistake of panicking far too late. As you can see, his front wheels are already in the bed of the trailer. If only he had panicked a minute or two earlier, he could have safely plunged his car into a drainage ditch or off a bridge well in advance.

This farmer has even taken the precaution of painting a word of warning on his vehicle. "DAINGOR" is about all you need to know. His demonstrated attitudes about education mean he believes fossils were put  in the ground by Jesus to trick us. Stay safe. Panic early. Drive north as fast as you can.


Philco Bantam Window A/C Unit - Imagine the relief.

Most of the U.S. is getting jacked in the face again by the "Polar Vortex 2 - Electric Boogaloo". It's friggin winter all over the place out there. Safe to assume that the weather wants to kill you. You're probably sweltering under many layers of coats, shirts, carpet samples, oven mitts and anything else you could stuff under your parka. Too bad bath mats are not famous for their sweat-wicking properties. Here, have some relief with this 1957 ad for Philco (no relation) window air conditioners.

"WORLD'S FIRST TAKE_HOME AIR CONDITIONER" shouts the ad. Huh? First? According to Popular Mechanics' brief history of air conditioning, window A/C units become affordable to normal humans in The Fifties. And over at Great Achievements.org, this happened as early as 1947. What's the deal with "World's first" claim? Maybe the Philco (still no relation) Bantam was the first one you could lug home and install yourself? See that happy gent, humping his new Bantam up the walk? You know he's hot and sweaty because they loosened his tie for the shoot.

Here are some impressive numbers from the PopMech link. The first home unit of any kind appeared in 1914 in Minneapolis in the mansion of Charles Gates. It was the size of a car. In 1931, the first commercial window unit became available, and cost from $120,000 to $600,00, accounting for inflation. Jeebus!

Doesn't that make you glad you can just stick your head out a window to cool off on a day like this? Didn't think so.

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The Call of Shame.

Joke #1 - "Okay, kid, let's hurry it up. There's lots of us here need to call our dad to come pick us up at the police station."

Joke #2 - "Dad? Can you come pick up me and Tina, and officer Kelly and officer O'Mally at the police station? ....And... And I think I got them all a little pregnant, too."

Joke #3 - "If you are a;ready a Comcast subscriber, press one! If you have been arrested for publis indecency and are in need of retrieval at the local police station, press two!"

Joke #4 - "Dad, I may be home late tonight. About two to five years late."

Joke #5 - "Mom? Can Tina and I and a couple of cops have a sleepover tonight? No, they're not the Irish kind."

Joke #6 - "Dad! I'm in trouble! I'm at the police station. I think I got arrested for 'sure 'an it's farr too late fer some'un as yong as you two teh be out suh leet on a shcool noight'! What is that??"

Joke #7 - Once again, a wholesome school dance ends with a good kid getting picked up for crimes against humanity. Don't become a statistic. Think once. Think twice. Think "Don't commit war crimes at your school dance."

Joke #8 - Belfast, 1948. Another good kid has his future thrown into question when he is arrested on five counts of total lack of public violence, failing to insight mayhem, public sobriety, non-conspiracy to commit acts of unviolence, and not blowing up a police vehicle in any way.

Joke #9 - "Dad? Can you come pick myself, and officers Kelly and O'Mally? We, uuh... We got arrested by this one girl..."

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post. -Mgmt.]


Sportsmanlike Driving, Pt 11 - Pedestrian, how do we kill thee? Let you count the way.

All right, New Drivers, it's high time you learn how you'll probably die on the road. Walking! Why? Find out!

Look at this crazy fellow. What could possess a man to march around behind a giant question mark like that?

What? He's in LOVE? Yes, it's LOVE, "The Noisy Killer." Protect yourself, citizens. Never fall in love. And if you accidentally do fall in love, get out of it, hopefully by luncheon time, when you'll be walking down to the Hammed-Burger stand at the corner, your head in a murderous cloud of Love, while you cross the road, a lamb to the slaughter. To be extra-sure, try to stay "in hate" at all times, so that even if you fall in love once, your state will then just be "normal", and still be able to fulfill your role as an Alert Pedestrian.


Zenith Console Radio - Better heard than seen.

...At least that seemed to be the prevailing attitude about technology in the home back in 1948. Notice how this massive console radio was built into a cabinet that was basically a credenza or some other piece of furniture.

Back then, the radio was the center of the family room, the way the TV is now. After dinner or whatever, the family would "gather round the wireless" and listen to radio shows. people didn't have TVs in their houses yet.

So what changed? Whenabouts did the family decide it was okay for the entertainment electronics to look like electronics and not a wardrobe? I'm not sure, but maybe in The Sixties, around the time when Danish Modern design started to happen, and machinery became something to admire, and not an eye sore?
Nnnnnnope. There were still plenty of giant wooden boxes around in The Sixties. However, the controls weren't hidden. Maybe we're seeing here the gradual acceptance of visible electronics in the home? By The Seventies, maybe? Let's look.

Not so much. This is still a console radio (now re-termed a "stereo hi-fi" set). It's just all crazy and spacey looking because everyone watched Space 1999 and was also high on goofballs.

I think I'm barking up the wrong tree here. I think it's not matter of people's acceptance, but rather of the scale of the radio itself. Even back in The Forties, there were small table top radios that looked like radios. It's just that, when the thing is the size of a small piano, people want it to blend in with the decor of the room. A small thing can look however it wants and not be visually disruptive. We can now make an incredible-sounding surround system where the components are small and distributed around the room, so you hardly notice it. The hardest part is hiding the wires. It's like the room is INSIDE the radio. Whoa. Dude.

But if you're looking for a time when people were super into the crazy buck rogers stuff, no matter what size it is, The Seventies is all you need. I bet this Galactic Communications Terminal (My term. Not theirs) sounds like crap, but I still want it.

I'll give this old Zenith one thing, though. See how the radio tilts out on a door and can be operated from a standing position because the controls face the ceiling at a 45 degree angle? That's smart. We should see more of that. Stereo components are still designed as if you keep it on a shelf at eye level, or sit on the floor to operate it. ...or, just use the remote, which is far more likely. Never mind. I need some coffee. See you tomorrow.

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Nazi Notes.

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Joke #1 - "Assistance please, herr Vonsiatsky. 'Mary had a little lamb. It's fleece was...' Sir, what's whiter than snow?"

Joke #2 - "Okay. Mad Lib ist almost done, sir. We need a noun, but zis time don't say Blitzkrieg."

Joke #3 - "Sir, the latest shipment of swastika-branded wastebaskets has eaten into the budget for the Enchantment Under the Sea dinner dance."

Joke #4 - "Another 'Bababooie' crank call, sir."

Joke #5 - "Really sir? No cheese either? What DO you like on your pizza?"

Joke #6 - "Seven across, sir. Four letters. 'Globally reviled and paranoid political ideology marked by barbaric hatred of all outgroups and favored political change through violence'. Nope. Me neither, sir."

Joke #7 was luftwaffed in by Herr MeinFancyUberBallz_zwei. Very uber! - "Unt draw me like von of your French gurlz, Herr Jack!"
[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.    -Mgmt.]


Synchro Quality Tools - Sander-Polisher and, uuh, massager.

Hey, handymans! FIX UP around Home! Let Synchro's 240 strokes a second do the work - just guide it! Exclusive Double Arc motion prevents scratches. "loading".

I promise you I am not making this up. That's the ad, exactly as we found it in Popular Science. It's a sander. It's a polisher. It's a massager. And not to put too fine a point on it, way down at the bottom, there's a clip art of a proud man in some kind smock or smoking jacket showing the Synchro to his astonished and delighted wife (we assume).

Because you were especially good this weekend, I had the P.A.G! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Squad lift the two clip arts from the ad for your sanitation. You can make them point at anything you want. A grocery list... A funny picture... A note reminding your husband to fix the broken sander... You name it! You're welcome! Who's your buddy? ... apart from the sander, I mean.

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Hupmobile - Absolute rulership corrupts absolutely... of the road.

In 1930, Deco was The Shit, even way out in the hinterlands, where The Country Gentleman found a place on every desk, workbench, and haybail. This ad for Hupmobile (?) features a nice stylized deco illustration of the car instead of a painting or photo. Daring! You don't see this any more.

Hupmobile? Yep. I never heard of them either. If Wikipedia is to be believed, the company was based in Detroit, and was started by former Ford and Oldsmobile man, Robert Hupp. In a startling leap of creativity, he tacked "mobile" on the end of his name and put an end to several seconds of brainstorming.

The company didn't do well, once the depression started gathering steam, and was dead by 1940. So what did a Hupmobile look like in the flesh? My dad would argue otherwise, I imagine, but to me, it looks exactly like every other car of it's day. Not that that's a bad thing, but I just can't tell a Ford from a Chevy before 1960-something. Perspective.

This ad promises you Absolute rulership of the road. Wow! Brave words. And I didn't even know there was a power vacuum in The Road back then. I guess anyone riding in the back seat would automatically be given a cabinet-level position. Maybe it's because I've never had a hunger for power, but I don't want to rule the road. Everybody would blame me for traffic problems or, as  was likely the case in rural america at the time, the odd horse carcass blocking the way.


A Thousand and Oneth Post! - The British Library Makes Millions of Graphic Gifts.

Yesterday was Phil Are GO!'s A Thousandth post, which is an arbitrary milestone based on the way humans count things, which is probably based on the number of fingers we have. Hooray I guess! That makes this one here our Thousand and Oneth post, which we are using to commemorate this largely meaningless achievement.

To mark this seemingly significant occasion, the staff will have the day off, taking some time to reflect on humans' desire to get excited over things because the number is nice and round. A Thousand is a nice and very round number, I think you'll agree. So, we'll let the rest of The Internet spew some content into your eye-holes today.

The British Library dumps over a million images onto Flickr and the Public Domain. Last December, The British Library teamed up with Microsoft to scan an undisclosed number of books from the 17th to 19th centuries, which  means they're out of copyright. The images from those digitized books were programmatically dumped onto a Flickr page, meaning it was a huge process done by computers, so nobody has cataloged - or maybe even looked at - all the pictures. There are gobs of images, and the British Library is encouraging everybody to use them however they like, and help them organize the whole mess by adding tags to the images in Flickr.

To find (and rude-finger-save) a high resolution version of any image in there, look for the three dots icon to the right of an image. This will spawn a menu with DOWNLOAD / ALL SIZES in it. In the subsequent screen, you can choose to view the image at original size. From there, you can do a normal RIGHT-CLICK-SAVE IMAGE.

Here are some gems we found. Be careful. It's a fascinating time sink, and you can lose hours this way.

Now Improved with the Double Strength of Two Fancy Men!


New Advanced Developments from the Science!

Revolving jar rack holds twelve jars in space ordinarily required for just twelve jars, revolves.
Well-heeled customer considers custom luxury tumor of opal and gold,

an extravagance for the rich and questionable.
Transparent face mask is also said by inventor to be excellent toy, amuses children for hours, possibly much, much longer. Also in development: wool hats for keeping sandwiches fresh.


Little Ads - Opportunities for the Idle. Idles for the opportune.

Jobs news now, from the small ads in the back of Popular Science, 1940 style. Get yourself a career, or just learn to think. Choose wisely!

Students not guaranteed against career interference by MI6 agents. Results not intended for world domination.
Learn to think with alphabet. Advance self. Mind-train. Word-spell.

*Not a guarantee of Happy Land transport. Deagan Marimba training does not confer to the purchaser citizenship of Happy Land or of any Happy Land controlled territories. Route to Happy Land may not be navigable by mortal means, or exist. Offer void in event of international border conflicts with Happy Land, or international warfare between Happy Land and Joy Region, Ambivalence Town, Concerned Interest Metropolis, Reserved Enthusiasm District, and Village of Polite Disinterest. Fun not guaranteed at parties.