11/27/19

Lazy annual post of this type - Pointy Tree Day Gift Tags!

As we all prepare for Annual Gluttony Day, and as we gird our collective loins for Seasonal Retail Atrocity Day, I think it's only proper that we keep in mind the real reason for the holidays: buying stuff for people and hoping they don't judge us for getting something they hate and thinking we're a terrible friend / sibling / parent / romantic partner / spouse / stalker.

So, now comes the time when everyone here at GO! Tower wish you and your family the most financially brutal Seasonal Retail Atrocity Day possible. To make the ordeal slightly less horrible to trudge through, please take comfort in the fact that it's stupid to buy cutesy tags to stick on all your Pointy Tree Day gifts, when we have tags right here for you that are better in every way than the maudlin crap at the store... except that you have to cut them apart yourself after you print them. Oh yeah, and you have to print them. But they're free, at least. Jeez, whattaya want for nothin'? A rubber biscuit?



11/25/19

Great! It's Puberty! - The Life Cycle


11/22/19

Where'd I Park My Giant Head?


11/21/19

That's Just the Cat


11/20/19

Hardy Boys Diving Emergency


11/19/19

Yellow Goggles


11/18/19

Hardy Boys Escape Plan


11/15/19

11/14/19

2019 Pointy Tree Day Card Get!!!!111oneoneone

Pointy Tree Day Card FAQ:

Q: "How the hell can I get my Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card?
A: It couldn't be easier! Just send us your addre- Q: "TELL ME HOW!!! NOW NOW NOW!"
A: Hey, shut up and let me finish, spaz. Send us your address. That's it. PhilAreGo@gmail.com
Q: My actual mailing address? How do I know you're not going to stalk me?
A: You don't, but how do I know you're fascinating enough to stalk? Besides, we're all too busy here at Go Plaza to bother with stalking people. Look, if it's really that important to you, email us an outline explaining why your lifestyle is so interesting that we'd want to sit in the bushes and stare in your windows. If you're really that great, we'll try and get someone out to your house to glance in your direction, but no promises. We've got stuff to do, man. Jeez, narcissist much? If you think we have the time to sit in an unmarked van across the street from your house, you are probably grossly overestimating the interestingness of your life, and also the amount of free time we have here at GO! Tower. If you're that paranoid, give us your work address, or the address of someone you know. We don't care.

Q: Free? Yeah, right.
A: That's technically not a question. But yeah. Free. Crazy, huh?

Q: I'm a-scared. Can't you just email it to me?
A: That's lame. No.

Q: How many different Pointy Tree Day Card versions are there?
A: A bunch of different ones.

Q: Can I pick which of the ones I get?
A: Nope. A one will be chosen by our Officer of Randomness and sent to you.

Q: If I collect all the versions of the Phil Are GO! Pointy Tree Day Card from way long ago, will they be valuable some day?
A: Sure. Why not? Go nuts. All you have to do is live forever to prove it.

Q: Can I get one of each of the ones? I want them all!
A: Don't be greedy.

Q: Free? What's the catch?
A: Alaskan salmon in butter lemon sauce with summer squash and a side salad. Also, there isn't one.

Q: Are these just leftovers from last year's cards? Or the year before?
A: How dare you. And no, they're not. All of the ones feature an image we've posted over the past year.

Q: Why do I want one of your stupid holiday cards?
A: Good question. I dunno. Because they're free and possibly funny?
Q: Will this year's card contain any "post-consumer content"?
A: Eew. No. Sicko.

Q: Is the card going to be funny?
A: Hopefully. Especially if you make a little puppet out of it and make it tell jokes.*

*Jokes told with a Phil Are GO! Pointy tree Day Card Puppet are the responsibility of the Pointy Tree Day Card recipient and the Pointy Tree Day Card puppeteer. Phil Are GO! denies responsibility for any content recited by the Pointy Tree Day Card Puppet.

The Hardy Boys Punch.


11/13/19

The Town in her Hair


11/12/19

Hardy Hawkwind


11/11/19

The Grumpy Prince of Dildopolis


11/8/19

Weed Wacker Broke


11/7/19

Paw Fell Agin


11/5/19

Teeth Salad


11/4/19

Tire help


11/1/19

Up Your Decor - Holiday redecorating!


Hey there, decorators! It's your interior design spirit animal and lifestyle coach Vorbia, here, with some crucially urgent news! Now that Halloween is a dim memory, the holiday season has just transitioned from "breathing hard" to literally "coming"!!! WooOOOoooo! Holday times! Uh HUH! And you know that means all your relatives walking around in your house, eating your food, and most importantly, JUDGING YOU! So, guess what? It's time to decorate your house for the holidays! Thank god I'm here! Let's get it going!

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Your Silent Night will be full of the jealous screams of your guests when you re-vision your house in this super chic Exmess Noir theme! Start with thick, rich black pile carpet, and then compliment it with thick, rich black pile wallpaper! MmmmMMmmm! You and Santa want to just wallow around in your walls! Some kind of dead thing on the floor will warm up your feet those cold winter nights! And lastly, a star-shaped mirror makes your bed the perfect manger where the animals kept their watch or something!

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Who doesn't love Early American decor? Not nobody! That's who doesn't! This gorgeous holiday dinner experience starts with vinyl parkay flooring and a majestic colonial dining set that every last one of your relatives will be positively fighting to gather 'round! You know what the early Americans would have wanted? Wallpaper with a nice, gigantic Edwardian pattern!


After dinner, you and your guests will retire to the sitting room to reminisce about the fan-damn-tastic meal you just bought for them in this restful retiring chamber! The floral pattern carpet sets the scene, while the wallpaper in a tastefully restrained "Baroque Brocade Circus Stripe" truly entertains the eye! Compliment the reds and oranges with a green dinette set and your relatives will all want to stay forever and ever! Holiday magic! YOU'RE WELCOME!!!!!!