1/29/19

1/28/19

Up Your Decor - Spring prep!!!!!



Hey there, my little urgent decorators! As you can probably tell by looking out the old window on the wall, it's almost springtime!!!!! That means you need to start planning all your decoratings now, now, NOWWWW!!!! Fortunately, your pal Vorbia is here to help you get on that shit with some mind-hurtling decorating ideas! We begin!!!!!

This superfun rumpus room is perfect for your precocious child, Eod! Little Eod will simply adore deciding which of its personalities is dominant at the moment that they are needing to store something!  Where oh where did Eod store its recreational apparatus? Was it the green personality, the yellow one or, god help you, the red one? Only Eod can tell you!

Hey! Just because you live in Mordor, it doesn't mean you have to be an old fuddy-duddy! This intimate and dynamic entertainment hall will make sure all your minions know you're the grooviest dark lord since Morgoth! The striped shag on the floor will keep things fun when your little goblins come over for some chip-n-dip, while the cork or carpet or whatever that is on the walls keep the draft out! We'll find those halflings after the pizza rolls come out of the oven!
Everyone knows that springtime is also new wardrobe season! This efficient sewing room concept will keep all your sewing needs handy! It even has a wall rack for all your sewing guns! What's got two thumbs and is ready for a fashion blast? Wooo! This girl right here!

1/25/19

Calvert Reserve dog endorsement.

Good morning, citizens! You know how Americans will buy any product if a famous person is paid to stand next to the product in a photograph, withe the consumers believing they will be as beautiful and famous as the celebrity if only they buy the makeup/car/shoes? Yep, the same goes for dogs. In this case, Basil Rathbone's dog.

No, not that way. Dog's don't care about celebrity endorsements. That would be stupid. No no, I mean that humans will buy a product if a famous person's dog sits next to it, of course.

No, the dog's name is not Basil Dogbone, like you'd hope. It's Moritza, like you'd be very bored to find out.

This ad was in the November, 1948 issue of American Legion Magazine, which means that not only is Basil Rathbone dead by now (1967, heart attack), but Moritza is almost as assuredly dead by now as well... probably of liver disease. I hear she was a surly drunk, taking a swing at anyone who walked between her and her Calvert.

It's frikkin cold out, people (-4 in Chicago). Have a drink with your dog.

1/24/19

Sexy Beach Dump


1/23/19

Best Honeymoon


1/21/19

1/16/19

Vaseline Hair Tonic - Dandruff shaming.

Hey, well-groomed citizens! If there's one thing worse for the consumer than waxy yellow buildup, it's a dry, flaky scalp! Do YOU know the state of YOUR scalp? Vaseline does, and the state of your scalp is not having enough Vaseilne gooped onto it! They don't even need to check.


This ad comes to us from the 1948 issue of the American Legion Magazine. Back then, advertisers weren't shy about scaring readers that they would lead a life of barren virginity unless they had a nice, shiny helmet of Devo hair that basically looked like a plastic hat. See for yourself!



Of course, Devo was using the plastic hair as a satire of 1950s conformity, brought to you by, among others, the good folks at Vaseline!

In all fairness, dandruff is still a turn off for anyone not living under a bridge. You know who I mean. That one guy who looks like Aqualung? What's his name? Chuck Bridge? I dunno. I know him when I see him. He always knocks over my trash cans, looking for nearly-empty bottles from Vaseline hair tonic. Beat it, Chuck! This is a Vitalis house, and don't you forget it! Scram!






Anyway, the guy in this ad is pretty boring, and not just because of the dandruff. The girl, however, could be used for a bunch of stuff. Let's have a bored intern pop her out of the background and drop her on a nice, transparent field of alpha channel. Randomly Chosen Intern, warm up your pen tool. You're going in! Readers, get your rude finger ready to right-click this lady onto your hard drive in three, two, one... Phil Are GO Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade, Deploy!!!!

Click it to big it, baby.
There she is. Lookin' good, toots. Tell you what, though. She'd also be useful with her thought balloon in place. Get on that shit, PAGGBPSB!

This thing ain't gonna click itself bigger, man.
Right on. Either version of her could be used to politely nag people about most anything, with some light Photoshopping, or just print her out and write her thoughts in with a pen. Here's a serving suggestion:

See? It's just that easy. You could have hours of fun nagging people with Vaseline Vicky... and possibly the prostate, if that's what you're into. If you are, I don't wanna hear about it.

You're welcome!

1/15/19

Judy and the Mail.


1/14/19

1/11/19

Kristy & Jimmy McNichol


1/10/19

1/9/19

Dismal Folk Songs


CRITICALLY IMPROBABLE UPDATE!

Well, against all likelihood, it looks as though this post is starting to make the rounds on Facebook, and folk songists have started folk songing these titles.

https://www.facebook.com/615539813/posts/10156943373929814/

For easy reference, here are other albums and song books we have posted.

Songs of the North American Oak Tree

Songs of the Great Maritime Disasters




1/8/19

Needy Planet


1/4/19

1/3/19

Little House on the Prairie