Exercise for All Persons - Dr. Otto Dmitri Vuvzela, Jr.

 

Diseases, 1820

Now There's Your Problem!

Animal on the Street - Probiotics do nothing.

https://www.bbc.com/news/health-45434753

Animal on the Street - Super Gonorrhea Outbreak!

Absorbine Jr. - Show everyone your "ow" face.

Are you in pain? Sure! We all do! That's why Absorbine Jr.!

"Pressure Pain"? So what's that? Swelling? Who knows what W. F. Young (a very weird company name) was trying to theorize was causing your particular pain. In 1953, our understanding of science was somewhat less it is today.

Strangely, if you do some kind of search to find out what to do about your muscle pain, the answers tend to be ice, heat, or some combination of both. Ice tends to decrease inflammation, and heat will increase blood flow, and nothing heals without a decent migration of good old A Positive through the area (Your mileage may vary. Other blood types may exist.)

General wisdom about which one to apply is as simple as "If it's swollen and stuff, apply ice. After that's taken care of, use heat to maybe speed up healing."

Absorbine Jr. didn't like the idea of people treating their body aches for free, so that's their raison d'etre. "Get a hobby, Absorbine Jr." is what I say.

Anyway, you need everyone who looks at your FaceTube page to know how you suffer, right? Right. Please enjoy the guy's "ow" face from this Absorbine Jr. ad. However, viewed without the context of the ad, this guy could also be feeling confused or grumpy or something. That's not a bad attitude to address the internet with, either.

For whatever reason, your grumpy confused suffering man face profile picture is here. You're welcome!

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Okay, fine. If you want to go around the web looking all happy about things, you can also use this happy version, if that's what you're into. You're still sort of welcome... weirdo.

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Bufferin - Anatomy explained!

What do you take when you have a touch of the neuralgia? Really? me too! "Double-you tee eff is neuralgia?" This ad doesn't mention "neuralgia", but old timey medicine ads sometimes do. Anyway, what this ad does have is lots of great supposedly convincing pictures and charts to make you buy their shit.

Advertising is terrified of talking over your head. They think you'll get bored and go away before they've finished their pitch. But for some reason, advertisers have never lost a wink of sleep worrying that they're insulted your intelligence, and medicine ads are great for super dumbed-down graphs an illustrations that look like they were X-Actoed right out of a Young Earth Creationist science book.

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The first illustration is there to remind you that pain hurts. This is what your head looks like when it's having some pain. You don't want this, do you?

Of course you do! It could make a great avatar for whatever chat service, Social Media or forum you use. At 1000 px square, nobody's web backend could make up an excuse to reject it. Why not right click mister grumpy head onto your heard drive? You could use him to punch up that email you're writing to explain why you suddenly need today off. You're welcome!

Illustration number two is here to remind you exactly how people don't drink. She's enjoying a nice, hearty glass of water... with her teeth! She must like her water chunky style! Water: the soup that eats like a meal!

Illustration number three is the obligatory informative chart. "My god, honey! Look at the size of the Bufferin bar! Get the keys! We need Bufferin immediately! No time to dress! Get in the car! Go! Go! Go! Before it's too late! For the love of god, move!

Illustration number four. A serving suggestion for how it may go when you make a doctor's appointment to ask him what pills are available.

And the crowning glory of the Bufferin ad, the anatomical cutaway of your body, with callouts explaining the intricacies of digestion and Bufferin superiority. You may recall this picture from your medical school texts.

Yep, everything's there. Pyloric valve, with hinge pin. Brain, with blinky lights and breaker switches. Spinal wires. Shoulder pipes. Coronary boiler. Intestinal waterslide. That's the lot! Notice that this lucky specimen has had aftermarket headers installed on his large intestine, which should be good for about ten additional horsepower. When this guy heads for the bathroom, listen for the nice, raspy exhaust note! That's the sound of reclaimed horsepower!

You could use this picture to train surgeons in Candy Land! And, with a little adjustment, you could use it for a lot more. I always find that words get in the way, don't you? Let's have the Phil Are GO! Graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade remove those pesky anatomical facts, shall we?

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There we go! Now this high performance cadaver is ready to advertise your upcoming summertime good-time pic-a-nic or Monday afternoon happy hour! The part where he's drinking shows that there will be drinking! You're welcome!

UPDATE!!!!one!one!exclamation. Alert reader John S. has further improved the anatomical cutaway with his increasingly formidable Photoshop kung-fu! How do you know when you're in the presence of a really good joke? You wish you'd thought of it yourself. That's how. Damn you, John S.! I look forward to meeting you on the field of battle again!

John's revised illustration shows the life cycle of your thoracic pachinko machine. He has woven it into the illustration so well, it looks like it was always there. Son of a bitch. I wish I'd thought of that.

Lysol Disinfectant - For your daintiness.

Alert Horrified reader Joe K. horrifically alerted us to this old ad for Lysol, which wanted ladies to use Lysol Disinfectant in their private places... and no, not their underwear drawer.

Huh? Surely this must be some other Lysol product that was specially formulated specifically for ladies to use in their hoo-ha, right? Like, maybe a special Lysol douche or something? The ad doesn't say anything like "Look for this freaky product wherever you buy other Lysol stuff!". And a simple Google image search will show you that that's a standard Lysol bottle pictured in the ad. So, this seems to be regular Lysol.

So, it must be a joke, right? Somebody must have 'Shopped up this ad, swapping in Lysol for, I dunno, Masengil or something? Right?

http://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/lysols-vintage-ads-subtly-pushed-women-to-use-its-disinfectant-as-birth-control-218734/?no-ist

Double you. Tee. Eff.

Soooooo, this was... real.

For those who are too lazy or (more likely) afraid to try that link, it's a Smithsonian Magazine article about how Lysol was promoted as a feminine hygiene product. Back in The Thirties, "feminine hygiene" was a euphemism for birth control, and this was the subtext of these old Lysol ads. Here's a quote from the Smithsonian article in the link above:

These ads aren’t frightening women into thinking their genitals smell badly. According to historian Andrea Tone, “feminine hygiene” was a euphemism. Birth control was illegal in the U.S. until 1965 (for married couples) and 1972 (for single people). These Lysol ads are actually for contraception. The campaign made Lysol the best-selling method of contraception during the Great Depression.

That sounds completely horrible and insane, right? But what do we know? Well, Smithsonian knows a couple of things, and apparently Lysol was absolutely NOT a thing you should flush into your private parts.

Lysol might have been corrosive to the sperm but it also damaged tissue inside the woman. And in fact the Lysol used back then was far stronger than our Lysol is today. Hundreds of people died from Lysol exposure, some of them women using it as birth control.

Here's another, more on-the-nose ad that makes clear the real meaning of Lysol's phrase "feminine hygiene".

But there's good news, citizens! The Lysol ad at the top of today's post isn't lying in every single word it says. When it points out that Lysol "is effective in the presence of organic matter". Well, that much is accurate. Your tissues and organs are organic matter, and Lysol will fry the shit out of them.

In this second ad, it's pretty clear that "intimate neglect" means she had a sexual whoopsie with a non-her-husband type of man. Also, we now know that "complete feminine hygiene" means "chemically torching unwanted sperm from your virginia'". That sentence made my uterus hurt and I don't even have one.

Thanks to Smithsonian for clearing that historical curiosity up, and to Joe for bringing this to our attention. Now if we can just figure out what Lysol meant by "ignorance".

Ting Cream - "Must satisfy you in a week."

Are you tired of strangers saying "What's that necrotic smell coming from your feet? Are you wearing ham socks?" Me too! Get yourself some Ting!... in 1948.

There's some good clip art to be mined form this ad. Let's get the Phil Are GO! graphic Blandishment and Photoshoppery Brigade in here to mine those clip arts, stat! PAGGBPB, Assemble!

Pen tool selection... COMPLETE!
Copy... COMPLETE!
New file... COMPLETE!
Paste... COMPLETE!
Desaturate... COMPLETE!
Contrast... COMPLETE!
Paint out inconvenient background... COMPLETE!
Save As... COMPLETE!

First, there's Foot Guy. He's really proud of his toe, and he has Tube Of Goo to thank! Thanks Toe Goo Tube! He's a JPEG, for near universal compatability with whatever janky graphics program you're stuck using on your computer. Even a Tandy knows what to do with a JPEG! We'll get some intern to verify that that last statement is true this afternoon.

 Next, it's Pointing hand. You can never have too many pointing hands to help people know where to look. If you don't have an authoritative hand to tell people what needs attention, they're liable to just look wherever they want. Then where would we be? Correct! We'd be at communists! This one is a PNG on alpha background, so you can point it at whatever you want without the annoying square background to annoy you.

Have some Science being done, won't you? Of course you will... but not if you're a lady, because this is 1948! Your job is to sit nearby and watch, and maybe empty the doctor's ash tray. Know what the doctor is looking at? Really tiny porn on microfiche. This one is a JPEG again.

Just for good measure, and to show 1948 what a dick it is, here are some important women scientists from history that you should know about.

From Smithsonian Magazine, Ten Historic Female Scientists You Should Know:
http://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/ten-historic-female-scientists-you-should-know-84028788/?no-ist

Then there's this NPR radio story about the women pioneers of computer programming:
http://www.npr.org/sections/alltechconsidered/2014/10/06/345799830/the-forgotten-female-programmers-who-created-modern-tech

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Postum - How's your flower?

If you're tired, it may be because you drink.. too much coffee?? Say what?

The illustration in this ad kind of seems like the sort of thing they'd use to sell "feminine solutions", with the flower as a visual metaphor for one's freshness, but it's just about caffeine crashing.

It is possible that "riding the white pony" for a while can leave you drained from all the chemically induced go-power, if you've hit the coffee tureen hard enough. Just like anything that picks you up must let you down eventually. If you ask me, the smart money's on smoothing out that crash by easing down the caffeine crank with maybe some tea or a nice sodey pop.

Here's a decent  article on the subject from WebMD. Surprise! The long and short of it is that, yeah, you're going to come down after the rush. The stronger the up, the stronger the down. There are no free rides.

Side note: A quick Google search of "too much coffee low energy" is a cattle call for everyone trying to convince you that caffeine is a terrible poison that wants to kill you and shit in your shirt drawer. If you want something unbiased and evidence-based (meaning, the scientific consensus), as opposed to hyperbolic woo, you'd be wisest not to even bother clicking on the first link from "naturalnews", or the other one from "caffeineinformer". You know what you're going to get from them just from reading their URLs. They have an ideology to push on you, and probably a book to sell you. If you're looking for an echo chamber that feeds into your sense of paranoia, do your search however you like, of course.

Anyway, going cold turkey is a livable long-term solution, once you're off the stuff. This Postum ad makes it seem as if Postum gives you energy, which is a lie - or as an advertising person would call it, "talking".

So what does Postum give you? Well, Wikipedia's a decent source of non-controversial information (I wouldn't trust it for the straight dope on, say, the Arab-Israeli hootenanny that's bee rocking for a couple thousand years). The Wikipedia entry says...

a powdered roasted-grain beverage once popular as a coffee substitute. The caffeine-free beverage was created by Postum Cereal Company founder C. W. Post in 1895 and marketed as a healthful alternative to coffee.[1]:93 The Postum Cereal Company eventually became General Foods, which was bought by Kraft Foods. Post was a student of John Harvey Kellogg, who believed that caffeine was unhealthy.

Aaah, Kellogg. He was a piece of work. Even water is unhealthy in large enough doses, but the list of things on his "okey dokey list" included rectal electrocution. I'm sure it was intended to "stimulate the bowel" or whatever. Granted, that was the 1800s, and few people had a firm grip on the scientific method back then. Kellogg was really into your bowel. He loved flushing people out with water and on occasion, yogurt.

Kellogg also had some rather puritanical views on masturbation. Some of his therapies involved applying carbolic acid to the clitoris to prevent women from any of that "harmful" masturbation. So, coffee bad, burning a lady's junk, a-ok. Got it. Thanks, John. Thanks for helping.  Ironically, a little bit of "me time" may have been just the thing to help Kellogg relax about the whole enema fixation and keep his mind out of everyone's poop chute, not to mention worrying about what women did with their "curious fingers". If you ask me, Kellogg is a fine example of someone who "doth protest too much", and I'm given to wonder what he got up to behind closed doors, after a long day of administering butt smoothies and napalming ladies' hoo-has.

They made a movie about him, which is really good and stars Matthew Broderick and Anthony Hopkins, The Road to Wellville. Holy crap! The whole thing is up on FaceTube! You can enjoy it over a nice iced coffee. That's my evening. See you.

Ex-Lax - Creating a wartime log.

Apparently, constipation can have effects on your mood - doubly so if you're a sociopath by default average child, as demonstrated in today's 1943 ad. "Be a little soldier and take your laxative!" the ad reads. As any veteran will tell you, basic training is pretty much six weeks of eating laxatives. Huh? If soldiers are so regular, then how do they keep their aggression up?

"If you need a laxative when you have a cold"? What? Since when does having a cold "keep the train in the station", as it were? Man, The Forties were weird.

Ex-Lax was trying to win customers over from the more traditional household super pooper mover, castor oil. Everything I know about castor oil I learned from old cartoons, where it's mostly used as a punishment for naughty children, as seen in the brilliant Tom & Jerry cartoon, Baby Puss. The link takes you straight to the castor oil part, but the whole cartoon is a classic. Do yourself a favor and just watch it. FaceTube is full of truncated and backwards copies of this cartoon, so this link goes to some weird hole-in-the wall hosting service that will probably stop working in a week.

http://tune.pk/video/77009/tom-amp-jerry-baby-puss-1943?wide=no&offset=07:15

Did someone say "gimme that constipated kid clip art"? No? Okay! Here it comes! We're giving you a Graphic Gift with and without the slightly odd "anger lines" floating in the air around the kid's head. You're welcome!

Colgate - Get some brushing action.

Advertising wants you to be paranoid about yourself. It's good for business. Yes, sometimes your mouth stinks, but advertising would be delighted if you would constantly fret about what people think of you. Point your eye-holes at this fairly typical wartime ad for Colgate "ribbon dental cream".

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As a soldier, it can be hard finding a date on short notice. Some days, your whole book of various potential sexual partners simply turn you down for no reason! Or do they? What if it's your breath, and not your treatment of women as playthings? Colgate's pretend dentist is here to help you get temporarily laid! Woooo! Should Joe maybe brush his junk too, perhaps avoiding spreading venereal disease? Hell no! Those fi-fis don't know where he lives.

So what's "ribbon dental cream"? Well, apparently, Colgate was the first brand to be sold in a squeezy tube. Previous to that, "dentifrice" was sold in little cans that you'd rub your toothbrush in, like the way you do with shoe polish. In fact, our first post ever was for such a product, way back in 2009, remember? Gibb's dentifrice?

Interestingly, there was an episode of my favorite podcart, The Skeptic's Guide to the Universe, where the host, neurologist Steven Novella, mentions that he had recently been the keynote speaker at the Evidence Based Dentistry conference, right here in Chicago. Turns out that lots of the conventionally distributed wisdom about your teeth isn't based on actual evidence. During the "science or fiction" segment of the SGU podcast, one of the items was the fact that flossing doesn't reduce the incidence of cavities. It does help with bad breath, by getting rid of trapped food particles quickly, but statistically people who don't floss don't seem to have a greater incidence of tooth decay. Apparently, brushing will eventually get rid of bits of food, but not before they stink a bit. Crazy, huh? This is interesting, but I still floss, just for the stink factor, and it feels good.

You can listen to the episode at the following link, or better yet, download it, because their embedded player doesn't show the timecode, and you'll having a hard time shuttling to 01:12:00 to get to the dental part.

Skeptic's Guide to the Universe, episode 462, with the bit about flossing.

Somewhere else (I was unable to find where, but this Lifehacker article seems like it may be where I read it), I remember reading that your toothpaste choice has little to do with your dental health, apart from a flouride content of 1000 parts per million, which basically every brand has. The mechanical action of scrubbing your teeth is the biggest thing you do to keep your teeth healthy. Buy the brand that tastes the best or whatever is on sale. It hardly matters which one you use. Even brushing with water is much better than skipping it. All brands are pretty much the same.

But what will all the fi-fis say when they read this????

Kruschen Salts - Got the hump?

You have a creepy leering grandpa-shaped hole in your life and you didn't even know it. Good thing we're here to straighten that out.

"Got the hump" didn't appear in either of the books in the Phil Are GO! Library of Slang and Unconventional English. The Research and Googling Brigade had to resort to a web search...

UK informal
› to get upset and annoyed with someone because you think they have done something bad to you

It looks like this ad is using the expression in a broader down-in-the-dumps sense, implying that bad posture with a humped back indicates that you're bummed out. They just really wanted to use that super hilarious camel joke, obviously.

I'd never heard of Kruschen salts before, and a web search only points to pictures of ads like this one, or pictures of the bottle. A little further digging brings up a list of ingredients. A couple of "alternative medicine" sites talk about the health benefits, but alt med people are superstitious goofs that enjoy magical thinking, like homeopathy. Their recommendation has nothing to do with reality.

The NIH says that ingredients like various sodiums and potassiums mostly treat constipation. WebMD was surprisingly useless for almost all of these ingredients. Ask WebMD what these do and you'll be answered with a "consult your physician". It seems WebMD's lawyers feel that you're better off they're better off with you not knowing about things. Www.drugs.com was much more helpful.

• Citric Acid                            (Neccesary for life)
• Magnesium Sulfate                (Laxative)
• Potassium Chloride                (Benefits kidneys, heart, muscles, nerves)
• Potassium Iodate                    (No such thing. Maybe an outdated name for something else?)
• Potassium Sulfate                   (Laxative)
• Sodium Chloride (table salt)    (Necessary for life.)
• Sodium Sulfate                       (Laxative)

So, mostly Kruschen seems to help "get the train out of the station". And, apparently, this is the face of a blissfully empty station owner. Right click this evacuated gent onto your hard drive because you never know when you'll want to scare the shit out of someone. You're welcome.

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Exercycle - Youthful energy for the elderly.

It's all right, citizens. Please return to your homes. There is now a safe and effective method to achieve youthful levels of energy, even if you're really old and decrepit. You know... older than thirty-five.

Yes, contrary to conventional wisdom, you no longer need to go off into the woods and shoot yourself on your 35th birthday, thanks to the miracle nowhere-go-round invention of the Exercycle. The electric motor does all the work. Abandon all your old-fashioned ideas that you must put forth muscular effort to perform vital exercise. You probably believe that crazy garbage because you're thirty five, don't you? Don't be a stupid old jerk. Buy an Exercycle or you'll be dead before you turn thirty-six. See your Exercycle dealer for the special handlebar-mounted ash tray accessory.

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Earle E. Liederman - Get off the Earth!

For unassailable logic and rock-solid assumptions, you really can't beat the advertisements of muscle guys, like Earle E. Liederman, a newcomer to the pages of Phil Are GO! If there's one thing that history has shown us, it's that small guys have never made great changes in the world, and only muscle dudes have ever not gotten off the Earth.

Do you suppose his name might be a pseudnym, to sounds more leader-y? Google doesn't seem to think so. And how bout that? You c an still buy his book on Amazon! Anyway, time to read some long-winded ad copy!

White's Cod Liver Oil - The singing fish.

This ad has almost no value for comedy. So sad. It's from the January 1940 issue of American Druggist, and as obscure trade magazines often are, it's pretty dry stuff. However, the drawings are worth the price of admission.

But first, why the hell do they keep throwing the word "ethical" around? It's used twice: "Here's a fast-moving ethical product..." and "this same high-powered ethical network". The research and Googling team couldn't find any evidence that it's some kind of code for "Christian-owned company" or anything. They only found a "nutritional supplement" company using the word as their name, but they don't sell evidence-based products, just superstitious woo. So, it will remain a mystery.

Anyway. Have some clip art. First, there's the singing fish, which is used to promote the White's army of salesmen as "face-to-face broadcast(ers)". My suspicion is that this tactic made their sales force seem more high-tech than a guy knocking on your door, tipping his fedora at you, which is probably what it actually was. Here's the singing fish at 1200 and 400 pixel widths, lightly contrasted and de-noised. If you're in a band, and your last name happens to be Fish, you're welcome. Meet your new business card.

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Here's the super-proud pharmacist, similarly cleaned up and with the "Rx" painted out, to make him less industry-specific. There. Your daily dose of Vitamin Graphic Gift is complete. You're welcome!

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