What Makes Your Car Go?


Farmer's Almanac prediction for winter 2016-2017!!!

Hey! Don't you want to know what kind of winter we just had? You sure do! To anyone living in or near Chicago, it was nothing to write home about: a few cold days with temperatures in the negative numbers, but generally warmer than usual and with hardly any snow to speak of.

You know that yellow book commonly seen in the folded-up cardboard standee near the exit of Home Depot that looks like it was printed in 1890? yeah, that one, The Old Farmer's Almanac.

It's an old-timey publication with a secret formula for forecasting the weather a year in advance. They won't tell anyone how they do it, of course. Let's see how they did this year!


Here's the summary of the Farmer's Almanac prediction for last winter's noticeably mild and not-at-all snowy winter in Chicago:

The winter of 2016–17 will feature above-normal snowfall in the northernmost states, along the spine of the Appalachians, and in northern Illinois, but below-normal snowfall in other areas.

Wow, spooky! The huge blizzard that prison-bitched the East coast a coupe of weeks ago in mid March? Not a peep in the uncannily accurate Almanac. The near total lack of snowfall in Chicago (which usually can be found in Northern Illinois)? Nope. The crazy May-in-February thing that happened? Nah. Didn't happen. It's like they peered into the future, disregarded it as fake news, and and then asked their chickens what the weather would really do. So, their secret forecasting formula is kind of like Weather Forecast Mad Libs.

We will now predict the weather for the next coming year, with the kind of accuracy you've come to expect. For free. You're welcome!


The Driving Simulator.


When You Take the Wheel - Alcohol and Drugs.


Quatron Automatic 8-Track Stereo Tape Changer - The grooviest iPod of 1970.

The next time you're a totally with-it man in Nineteen Seventy, and you want to invite your laydeh over to your Holiday Inn Balcony Suite for a quick sixteen-hour layover (heh), you're going to need the Quatron Automatic 8-Track Stereo Tape Changer. It is the only way.

Think of it. You and your woman - what was it? Brenda? Yeah, Brenda - plus five hundred square feet of yellow sculpted pile that's kinda like the carpet in your van, and sixteen hours to kill until the guy from the convention center comes to pick you up. What shall you do with all that time?  Oh yeah. You could do Brenda. She lives near the hotel, doesn't she? Her roomate might be home, but that's okay. You've got your own hotel room. Ooooh, yeah. It is so on.

The Quatron's got you covered, with twelve of your best 8-Tracks. You've got other rotary magazines with different selections back at home, but good thing you brought the one that's best for gettin' down. It'll go like this:

You and Brenda begin with The Best of Bread, and then some Rare Earth and Blood, Sweat & Tears, and you're both starting to groove.

You might be getting up to change the record, if you were using your old turntable, but no way, man. The Quatron's just getting started. Mountain, The Ideas of March and the 5th Dimension are just kicking into high gear as you two take a breather and enjoy the five bucks worth of weed you bought from the kid outside the liquor store. Aaalll right.

But that's a shot breather, because you're really into Brenda, and she's really into you being into her. Peter, Paul and Mary, Gary Puckett and the Union Gap and The Troggs are inclined to agree.

Finally, you and Brenda share a cigarette on the balcony overlooking the Zayre parking lot, wrapped in the flannel blanket together. You talk about your dreams while Sergio Mendes, Classical Gas and Vanilla Fudge bring your love-plane in to land. Maybe you offer her a beer, and just to prove how much you care, you take a hit off of it first, just to make sure it doesn't have a cigarette butt in it. That's how Brenda knows you care, baby.
Man, you two were in the saddle for sixteen hours, and it only felt like the first side of that album by Zager & Evans. Far out. You didn't even take a nap, but that's okay. You're pretty sure the limo guy will have some coke. You'll just sneak out while Brenda's in the shower. She'll be cool with it. Just don't forget to grab your Quatron on your way out the door.


Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Beach and dedication.


When You Take The Wheel - Stopping & Wallace.


Car Owner's Handbook - Tube carburetors and body repair.


Animal on the Street - Suspects use Comcast van in burglary!



Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Tires and Gears


Charlotte Corday and Marat

Click for kind of big.
Joke #1 - "Ooh, that's a lovely end to your book, honey! 'And they lived happily ever glaaaakkk!' It's upbeat, but still mysterious."

Joke #2 - "You know darling, this is what I love about our relationship. We can just sit together for hours without talking, and just be."

Joke #3 - "Darling, it's half past three. The Girondins will be here in a moment. I do hope you're nearly finished with that silly little 'suicide joke' you've been going on about."

Joke #4 - "Oh! There's that noise again. Is there perhaps someone at the door, or was it the undercooked clams I made for your dinner?"

Joke #5 - "Darling, it's half past three. My parents, sisters, and their nine children will be here in a moment. I do hope you've nearly finished with that sonnet you promised me you'd write about them. ...Darling?"

Joke #6 - "Darling, after your bath, please promise me you'll tidy up those books up on the shelf. One of these days they're going to fall while you're in the tub, and, well, I simply shudder to think."

Joke #7 - "Jean-Paul, my sisters will be here in a moment. I'm going down to put the kettle on. Do please get out of the bath, get un-killed, and please put on the blue waistcoat I laid out for you."

Mr. FancyBubblesNoPants_2, who could not stop if he wanted to, sent us Joke #8, which is a silent but deadly. - "Oh-em-gee! Will you quit doing that Cyril!?! You know I can't open this window!!....Or at least wait until I leave the room, dammit!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Distributors and magic.


Animal on the street - Atheism and morals.



Careful Car Care Made Care Free - Tires and fluids!


Bike Battery

Joke #1 - "Jeez, I think it's your turn to pedal for a while."

Joke #2 - "You're right. The new riding position is really... Hey! You're not my coach! He's an AC Delco!"

Joke #3 - Using virtual reality, athletes can pretend they're charging a battery on an exercycle in their own home, from the safety of their own home.

Joke #4 - "Coach, I ran into the wall. Now what do I do? Coach?"

Joke #5 - Saaaayyy, you don't qualify as 'mechanical doping', do you?"

Joke #6 comes to us from Mr. FancyInfoPants_2. Thanks, MFIP2! - Photo of a young Vorbia Goatstain demonstrating how the "Super-Battery-Charged Assulator-A-Go-Go" forced her head into a low hanging light fixture, causing irreparable brain and ass damage(c.1967). Goatstain then won the lawsuit she filed against the company, & started the now popular "UP YOUR DECOR" home furnishing page seen here on P.A.G.!!! Way to go Vorbia!

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.  -Mgmt.]


Up Your Decor - Patterns for Spring!

Good morning decorators! Vorbia here, with another pile of fresh, steaming ideas for your interiors! Well, it's really looking like Spring is about to go "sproink!" around here! What better way to welcome the birds and butterflies into your house than with some fun, splashy designs that are as timeless as they are interesting! That's right! No better way!

How do your eyes know they're alive? I know, it's a question as old as time itself! One thing's for sure,
you'll know they're alive when they're vibrating in their sockets like a couple of bumblebees! Black
against white is the theme for this breezy patio sunroom! That fabulous fabric selection brings so much
 life the space that we ran it right up onto the ceiling! You'll think you've died and gone to visit Genghis
Khan or something! Better put some extra money in the meter: your horse will be parked here for a while!

Ooooo! This lucky room was saved from the boringness of its beige walls by rich blue velvet chairs and matching carpet! Everyone needs a sofa in their bedroom for those kicky laundry-folding parties! Nothing keeps a pattern company like another totally different pattern, and that's what the bed and sofa are doing
for the carpet.

This lucky room also has not one but two paintings by famous artists!...
"Victoria with Two Right Arms" by Arnhelta Fnu...

...and "My love is Like a Sausage
Bound with String", by
Gortrand Drinkwater.

This sun-kissed breakfast solarium is the perfect place to unwind with a glass of cooking sherry or a can of mineral spirits! Whether your game is mahjong or super-crowded-chess, you'll want to stagger around your solar all afternoon, which is just fine, because there's no door! The carpet's flowers keep your mood bouncy, and the sunny walls will have those carpet-flowers positively blooming with springiness! Oh! What's that I see? Another art!!!

Why, it's Blobligliani's "Barbie House in the Triassic"!
This piece is bound to go up in value in seventy million
years or so!

The brightly painted wooden floors of this rustic living room will make you feel like you're sitting on your porch... but with curtains!!! Boldly patterned fabrics and the old-timey, partially-functional furniture
capture that this-house-is-owned-by-an-eight-year-old-girl feeling that simply everyone is going kooky
for this season. Besides, if you really need to take a load off, you can always go sit in the yard!

UPDATE: Diligent Reader John did us the service of removing that boring old floor in the black and white sunroom so that we can all have some fun dressing it up with exciting new spring patterns, everyone! See?

This one now has a jazzy leopard
skin carpet! Rowerr!

Here's the version with a clear floor
so you can play along at home!
How many ways can you
improve it?


Careful Care care Made care Free #4 - The importance of seals.


Careful Car Care Made Care Free #3 - Hand signals.


Careful Car Care Made Care Free #2


1939 Plymouth Halftrack


Country Starin'