12/14/18

Fence


12/13/18

Up Your Decor - CHRISTMAS TREEEEES!!!!!!!!!


Hey, decorators! It's Christmas time! Do you know what that means? That's right! It means it's Christmas time!!!! Let's get your stupid crap of a house looking ship-shape for a super fab Christmas season! Today! We're helping you with your Christmas tree!

I know you're probably planning on getting a growng-in-the-gound, planty kind of tree, just like always, but you know what? This is 1971! We live in the future! Let's get mod!!!!

I know what you're thinking: "Flowers for Christmas decorations? Vorbia, darling,
are you an idiot or a genius?" Correct! Do you know why? Because it's always
flower season somewhere! Anyway, this golden fake flower Christmas tree was
easily made for under a hundred dollars! Just get a hundred dollars, and go grab
a large punch bowl, and some aquarium gravel, a broomstick and, well, all the
things in the picture. Cram them together so they look like the picture and just like
that you're done! Of course, once you've got a Christmas tree like this in your
living room, you'll want to instruct all your family to only wrap presents in a way
that is color coordinated with your decorating or they'll be thrown away!

Oooooh, so maybe a flower Christmas tree is too conventional for you? I hear
you, and I applaud your fashion-forward Christmas sense! In that case, this
eye-challenging postmodern design is so up-to-date you'll think you're celebrating
Christmas in a dreary Dadaist poem! It's made from coat hangers and nylon mesh
and yellow garland and some electric candles. There's only one thing your family
will love more than putting gifts underneath this po-mo tree, and that's taking them
out from underneath it!





If you're feeling more playful than profound this season,
then you can easily make this fanciful Christmas tree from
colored duct tape! What? You don't have colored duct tape?
Well, go get some and color it! You'll also want another
ever-useful broom handle to hold the whole thing up. And three gold balls. Then, just watch your family stare at your curly Christmas creation!

You're welcome!!!!


12/12/18

Ants and Waterslide



12/11/18

This Picnic.


12/10/18

Let Me Drive?


12/7/18

Up Your Decor - Add eye-food!



Howdy-do, my hungry little lookers! Guess what? I've decided that you are all starving your eyeballs! They need color and pattern to grow big and strong! Yes they do! No, your house is NOT fine the way it is! SHUT THE HELL UP! Don't take away my joy or I will KILL YOU! Let's get started!

Starting with your kitchen, you need to realize that if you like your wallpaper, like really like your wall-
paper, you'd just wallpaper it right up onto your ceiling! See? Now don't you think you owe your wallpaper
an apology?
What time is it? Daytime? NO!!!!! It's time to cover those windows with decoration! These screens are
easily made from other screens, or even panels! Then, just fill them with stretched fabric in whatever
pattern drowns out the voices inside! There! Now you can't even hear them at all! Just the blissful racket
of your children playing, completely unaware of... things! Nice!



Have you found where your husband goes all weekend? Is it some kind of stupid workshop that is outside
your control? Yay! You found it! And he's a silly goose! You control everything! Now's your chance to teach that whatever he gets up to in that shop of his is just as pointless as a toddler playing with blocks. Paint the whole place in fun, bright colors! What's that? He won't like it? Awwww, what's wrong? Doesn't the widdle baby like his playpen? Then he can come back in the house and help you wallpaper the television like an adult!




Now that he's back in the house, you both should spruce things up in the rumpus room! Let's start with a fiberglass elephant-foot table... only because the goddam World Wildlife Fund won't let you buy a real
elephant foot on the open market! What do they know about decorating? Psst! Here's a pro tip! They'll never know if you just cover a real elephant foot in fiberglass, but you didn't read it here! Now just cruise the rummage sales for a plywood rooster, a tambourine, a wicker reindeer and some blacktop buckets made into stools! Paint it all in a pleasing red and fuscia motif and you're ready to pumpus that rumpus! I think that's enough for you to do until next time! See you soon, decorators!

12/6/18

DuBouchett. So inscrutable.


More holiday times interestingness today from your friends in 1950! Holiday times means entertaining friends and family at your house, and if you ask DuBouchett, that means cordials! And, if you ask anyone (because you're less than sixty years old), "cordials" usually* means "alcohol plus sugar plus fruit. And, alcohol plus sugar means "instant hangover"! Holiday times, mon frer!



*Clearly, by looking at the ad, DuBouchett understands cordials to mean "pre-mixed" cocktails, but cordials are another word for "liqueur".

Okay, so what, technically, is a "liqueur"?


See? Instant hangover! Never question Professor Google! If you want to try it, spend an evening drinking "hard lemonade" and see for yourself. In DuBouchett's defense, the cordials in their ad here aren't very sugary. Manhattans, vodka, rye... It's nice that Dubouchett wants you to get hammered, but doesn't want your head to explode till tomorrow morning, instead of just before bedtime.

But more importantly, there is a greater mystery here. Double-you tee eff is that weird harlequin evil-looking mascot guy? He's playing that brandy bottle like a guitar, and that implies that he's the life of the party, and he's had more than a few cherry cordials. There's no explanation from simple context in the ad. Is he just DuBouchett's icon/logo?

Whup. He's called "The DuBouchett" man. There's your answer.

https://www.printmag.com/branding/dubouchett-paul-rands-harlequin/

As a piece of corporate branding the harlequin guy is pretty clever. The red and green diamond pattern vibrates your eyes in their sockets and can be spotted easily while flipping thro ugh the pages of a magazine... even after you've had a few cordials, which is just how DuBouchett likes you. Doncha go changing, Drinky McDrunkerson. Their harlequin guy is just kind of weird looking, is all, which is fine, because they're not trying to attract kids to their brand, with enormous, trying-so-hard-it's-creepy smiles and saucer eyes like you see on a cereal box. Here in The Future, with our hyper focus-tested omni-cutesy mascots everywhere, to see a weird jester pirate guy with an inscrutable French expression is refreshing, kind of.

Oh, The French. You're so inscrutable. If you really really like the DuBouchett harlequin man, you can maybe find a plaster one of him on Ebay. It'll cost you, though...

DuBouchett. Does that mean something? I think "bouche" means "mouth". Let's go back to Professor Google and ask.


Say what? "Stuffy"? Let's swap their places and see how "stuffy" translates.
Huh. Odd. Okay, what is French for "mouth", then?

Oookay.

Well, that's our inscrutable French friends for you. They simply cannot be scruted, and neither can their language. Viva France!