Locked Myself Out - May, 1970

 

Simulated Person Monthly

 

Involved Father

 

FORGE/Ltd. line - Exquisitely bored.

Okay, people! Time is money! Let's get this happening happening, you dig?

Don, have the kids got their Davy Jones getups on? Hey, where's Stan's vest? Has anyone got Stan's vest? Huh? He burned a hole in it with his weed? Terrific. He's only been here fifteen minutes. Don, make a note that the cost of the vest will come out of his pay, and take away his pot. Just put it in my car. Julie, run over to the rep from Forge and ask if they've got another vest. And do it like now.

Okay, you three all over here. Snap snap. Pay attention, kids. You all look fab. Truly fab. Well, except for you, Trisha. You're just here as a decoration for Stan's arm. Yeah, black sweater, I know. Hey, your day rate is your day rate. I don't wanna hear it, sweetie. Just try to look bored. I dunno. Really bored. Like, quaalude bored. Figure it out. Here's your stool. Your sitting and bored and you're wearing a black sweater. That's your motivation. Don't talk to me about motivation, sweetie.

Bill, you're in back. Lean on the wall. Well, actually, it's just a plywood flat clamped to a C-stand, so try to just look like you're leaning on it. Okay, that's good, sweetheart. Now, elbow up on Stan's shoulder. Good, good. Yeah, it's called acting, honey. Act like you're comfortable and really bored, like you're waiting for a bus but when it comes you don't care if you fall asleep and you miss it.

Stan, you're sitting on Julie's knee. No, she's fine. Jeez, okay. Well, then just kind of crouch as if you're sitting on her knee. Fist on your hip. That's great, Stan. Try to look down at her like you just noticed she's there and you're not sure where she came from. But bored. Don't forget you're bored! Groovy and bored. Gooooood, good.

Okay, Julie. Just a little more bored. Like, ummm... like you can't believe you took this gig and you're mad at your agent. Now, hold onto Stan's arm as if he might fall over if you don't. Because he probably will, that's why, sweetie.

Okay, you're all disinterested! You're fab and you don't care! Maybe even a little angry. Just a little! Good, good! We're getting good shots here, kids! Looking bored. Reeeally bored! I like. I like. Julie, stare off a little bit, but try not to look like you're thinking about anything. Perfect. Stan, stare at her hair. Yep, you heard me. Like you're not sure where that smell is coming from. Yep, Good.




Okay, that's a wrap, everyone! You're terrific! Don, we won't work with Stan again. You put the weed in the front seat, right? Great. It's a long ride back to the office.

Little Ads, Esquire 1969 - Get creeped.

It's Halloween, creatures! You know how you think that nothing scares you more than this particular election cycle? Slightly incorrect! Observe these little ads from the back pages of the March, 1969 issue of Esquire Magazine. The following program may not be appropriate for younger or more sensitive viewers!

At the very least, we can hope that's a bullet hole in the chest of the man wearing the nylon-tricot jumper with the fitted hip-hugger boxer underbriefs, but it's probably just a printing inclusion.

What's so creepy about the TENSOLATOR? Not much, apart from the fact that it's almost definitely  just a springy thingy that doesn't do anything that pushups and situps can't do for you. But, you will be the creep of the crypt when you use Fitness Boy's face as your profile pic. You're welcome! P.S. Who wears a combover at the age of 25?

Click for 1000 px jpeg.

You can probably think of two or three people who can get away with wearing rubber clothes. However, this photo was taken in 1969, and that's probably someone's grandmother in that picture. She kinda looks like she may have already been one when this photo was taken. Booooooo!!!! Also, "REAL RUBBER CLOTHING!, not cheap fake rubber! Boooo! Also also, "SENSIBLE PRICES" on rubber clothing! BooooooooOOOOO!!!