Halloween Special - A Version of Faust.

Today we bring you a complete story from the 1956 edition of My Book House, Volume 12, a book with a binding so feircly made, The Images and Scanning Them team could not get the pages to lie flat on the Okidata AdequateScan 620, even after being around for nearly fifty years.

This version was printed under the wimpified title "The Story of Faust" rather than The Damnation of Faust, because, you know, kids book. Also, in the end of this version, Faust finds redemption instead of eternal damnation, because kids book. We'll leave it to you to question the morality lesson that desire for knowledge and understanding  is an offense punishable by damnation. Don't get me started.

Anyway, there's some homunculi, dragons, flying pig teats, and Mr. Mephistopheles in tights, so it's not completely devoid of some decent creep factor. The real star of the show are the fantastically weird illustrations by Donn Crane and the even weirder choice of orange and blue spot color.
You're welcome!


Party like it's nineteen thirty nine.

Joke #1 - Hermann Göring's show-stopping reading of his six-part sonnet "I wandered lonely as a verzaubertedecke"

Joke #2 - The 1937 Congress for the International Chamber of Commerce was held in Berlin, where the first six hours were spent debating funding for the "Fantasy Under The Sea Dinner Dance".

Joke #3 - Opening dance number from Berlin Theater Works's performance of "Pardon My Reich".

Joke #4 - "Sometimes a banner is just a cigar."

Joke #5 - "Gott im Himmel! It's called a 'swastika'! Ze next person who calls it a 'bendy pinwheel' vill get a poke in der nose! Just you wait!"

Joke #6 - The presentation of finalist entries in the "Design our Logo" competition at Fox news, 1985. Despite being adored by management, this entry only received an honorable mention, as it was judged to be "a little on-the-nose".

Jim Dillon airlifts Joke #7 to us. Thanks, Jim! - "I've heard of lipstick on a pig, but carnations on a nazi party? This is ridiculous. But seriously, folks, take my reich . . . please!"

Joke #8 is fatally good, and comes courtesy of Commandant Der Ernest Von Scribbler_zwei ( Mrs.) - retired. You may want to only read a few words at a time, whilst listening to the chanting of laments by the men of Q division, just to be safe. Die flipperwaldt gershput! BAH hah hah hah!!!- "Wenn ist das Nunstück git und Slotermeyer? Ja! Beiherhund das Oder die Flipperwaldt gersput!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.   -Mgmt.]


1966 Chrysler Simca - Feeeeels like the firrrst time.

So you like the Fiat 500, huh? I don't blame you. Even guys can appreciate the shouty angry Abarth version. But apparently this isn't Chrysler's first romance with the Fiat brand, as evidenced by this 1966 ad for a Chrysler Simca. The Chrysler wha? I know. Check it out.

Simca has been owned by a couple different companies around the globe. Such a promiscuous little car! This from Wikipedia:

Simca (Société Industrielle de Mécanique et Carrosserie Automobile) (Industrial Society of Mechanical and Automotive Body) was a French automaker, founded in November 1934 by Fiat and directed from July 1935 to May 1963 by Italian Henri Théodore Pigozzi (born Enrico Teodoro Pigozzi, 1898–1964). Simca was affiliated with Fiat and subsequently, when Simca bought Ford's French branch, became increasingly controlled by the Chrysler Group. In 1970 Simca became a subsidiary and brand of Chrysler Europe, ending its period as an independent company. Simca's history ended in 1978, when Chrysler divested its European operations to another French automaker, PSA Peugeot Citroën. PSA replaced the Simca brand with Talbot and for a short period some models were badged as Simca-Talbots.

Ok, got all that? Me neither. Long story short, Chrysler wanted a piece of the European market in 1958, and liked the look of Simca. By 1970, Chrysler had bought 71% of Simca from Fiat, until the collapse of Chrysler Europe around 1980.

Simca 1200 Bertone. Holy crap, that looks all right! Do want!
At the time, Americans assumed every foreign car was crap. So how was the Simca? Well, over the life span of the company, Simca models won various Car of the Year awards, assuming it wasn't judged on sporting prowess alone. However, there once was a Bertone version that could do 112 mph. There were also Abarth tuned Simcas, just like the Fiat 500.

Want one? Good luck. Ebay Motors is full of bits and pieces, but no complete cars. There's a windscreen for US $1000 if you want to start small, though.

Click for big.


Inventions to make your life worth living, from Science!

Training wheels for sissypants motorcyclist fold down when stationary and fold up when moving. Ideal for motorbike enthusiast eager to seem non-threatening, lacking dignity, or possibly legs.

New convertible toaster can either make toast or breakfast. ideal for eaters who hate having toast WITH their breakfast.

Some kind of gardening thing does something or whatever in poorly framed, underexposed publicity photo. Halter top!


REO Speed Wagon - Keep on run-nin-ah.

This morning, the Agriculture and Rocking department head dropped this on my desk. It's a 1930 ad from Country Gentleman magazine for Reo Speed Wagon, which was... a car company?

Yep! Holy shit, Reo Speed Wagon was a car company! This I did not know. And, I also learned that Wheeling, Illinois, qualified as "countryside" in 1930. Not too surprising. I mean, I don't know exactly what Wheeling looks like, but if I were to go looking for countryside, I'd expect to drive farther than Wheeling. But then things change over time. Duh.

So yeah, Reo Speed Wagon. The company printed the name with initial caps, implying that the letters were meant to be pronounced like a word and not like an acronym. Maybe it's meant to be said "ree-oh" and not "arr-ee-oh". Also, they break Speedwagon into two words. I don't care. It's a super cool name for a band AND a car company. You can bet that "Speedwagon" is a thing of the past, in that no modern company would put "speed" anywhere in their name for fear of liability risks.

Anyway, time for a gratuitous video embed. I want to laugh at REO Speedwagon for being a lame Eighties band, but their music actually ages pretty well, and the songs are really catchy without being overly simplistic. Kevin Cronin does, however, do that thing I love to make fun of, but adding an extra vowel on the end of every line of lyrics-ah. Keep on runnin-ah. See you Monday-ah!

UPDATE: I've just been informed that the lyrics are "Keep on rollin-ah". Not "Keep on runnin-ah". Either one would make a fine commercial for the car manufacturer if they still existed-ah.


Gronk you Answer - More offers and new comic.

Subhash Deshpande say...

I need your assist for a project

Dear Subhash,

Thank you for letter. Gronk think you definitely need assist for project. First come basic letter-make skills. You not even say "Dear Gronk, with eyes like sun and legs like mountain." How you expect get on Gronk good side? Second, you need start project. of grammar. Here Gronk "assist" you. Press "period" key after "project". That good start!

Subhash, Gronk have conversation with plate of hash one time. Even breakfast entree better communicator than you. You DEFINITELY sub-hash when come to talking!  GRAH HAH HAH HAH HAH! BAM! You zing by Gronk! BAH HAH HAH HAH HAH HAAHAHAH!

Mr. Zhang Yong say...

I've a proposal for you,permit me to explain
Thank Zhang for letter. You explain now.

No, really. GO.

Gronk give you time talk.


GRAAAAH!!! Gronk hate you now, Mr. Zhang! Good job! Go learn basic grammar about space bar and period with Sub-hash! YOU GO NOW!

Irene Wu say...

Dear Sir,

Good day.
This is Irene Wu from Xinghua City Tianli Stainless Steel Products Co., Ltd, our company is specialized in the production and sales of stainless steel wire rope and galvanized steel wire rope.
The following is some pictures of our products for your reference, welcome you visit our website www.tianlisteel.com to learn more about us.

Dear Irene,

Gronk thank you for letter. You make nice letter-talk! Also, Gronk happy to see new issue of comic! All right!

In first panel, Gronk see ropes. Ropes happy together. Maybe sleeping ropes. Not sure.
In second panel, One rope think about nature of rope. "Each rope made of smaller ropes. Rope mind blown now!"
In third panel, rope think about whole rope town, just wrap around wood thing. Kind of like even huger rope made of rope families! Paradigm shift!
In fourth panel, Gronk see some ropes not have wood thing, but still wrap together anyway. Teach lesson that "we are what we are" and habits hard to change.
In fifth and sixth panels, see many rope-towns group in "rope galaxy". Recursive!
In sixth panel, see tiny single rope that make up every other rope. Rope DNA? Indivisible!
Seventh panel show rope universe. Show that rope is infinite. Whoa. Now Gronk mind blown. Gronk have to sit and think about rope for while now. Gronk start to wonder if Gronk is really rope. Deep.

Gronk thank Irene Wu for mind-expanding existential comic. Really make think. Think like rope think!

Me Gronk.


Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 6 - The controls of your auto-car.

In this chapter of Sportsmanlike Driving, we'll learn about how your twiddles and wiggles of the levers and actuators inside the control cabin of your auto-car make it go. Auto-cars are mysterious machines that are incomprehensible by the human mind, so you should rely on these illustrations to force your human brain to understand that your actions inside the car have an effect out in the real world.

HEAD LIGHTS: Your auto-car has "head lights" that illuminate the road, for safer driving at night. They are positioned on the front, or "head", of the auto-car. But what's that metal plunger on the floor? It brightens your headlights, which allows even greater visibility, but is only safe when there are no cars approaching from the opposite direction, or just cars driven by the blind.

As you can clearly see in the illustration, the high beams are brighter, which is indicated here by a darker color. The car on top has it's high-beams activated, while the car on the bottom is using its low beams, which are actually dimmer in reality. Just remember this catchy rhyme to help you keep it straight:

"High beams are darker in the picture, but every good boy knows darker means brighter in real life hath November, and mixture."

ACCELERATOR PEDAL: Your auto-car would be useless unless it went, except perhaps to provide shelter from the retribution of The Lord when The Rapture comes. The "accelerator pedal" makes the car go. But how do you know which way to press it? Should you press it up and away from the floor, or towards the floor in a way that makes sense with how your foot is constructed? Once again, here is a helpful illustration to keep things clear.

As you can see, pressing the accelerator pedal tilts a butterfly valve that allows gas and air to flow down a hallway to combustion chambers that run underneath the floor of your car. Combustion occurs here, driving the wheels somehow. Nobody knows what the heavy lump up in the engine compartment is for. To travel in your car, press the accelerator pedal. When you arrive at your destination, release the accelerator pedal.

OIL PRESSURE: The parts in your cars engine (wherever that is) need oil to work properly. The oil pressure gauge lets you know that there is pressure  on the oil, ensuring engine functionality. Here's how it works.

Inside the engine, there is a pump, which keeps the oil pressure needle in the middle. The lever connecting the two has a mustache, which represents safety. The engine has a hat.


General Mills Polaroid Camera offer - My arteries hurt.

As the ever-more-premature American holiday season would like you to know, Christmas is coming. It's time to start thinking about how you'll capture your holiday mishegas, and there's no better method of mishegas capturement than with your brand new Polaroid InstaTragic camera that you got by eating cubic yards of fried CornFatSalt!

The Polaroid Land camera was a breakthrough technical achievement. It was also a revolutionary design that looked like it was engineered by Vogons. Many old cameras are Bauhaus beautiful, but this Polaroid just looks like some bits from a coffee maker randomly screwed together.

Anyway, General Mills would send you one if you ate varying amounts of their crunchy snacks, with names of varying hilariousness. Some of their snack names are so dull they may have been devised by a senate subcommittee, like "Potato Crisps". At the other end of the range are "Willikers". I think the funnyness of a snack name varies in inverse proprtion to it's descriptiveness. "Pizza Spins" is a pretty weak effort, but you can tell which actual food they're supposed to simulate but "Whistles" could be just about anything.

To get the camera totally free, General Mills wanted you to eat 50 boxes of their snacks. This ad ran in the November 13th, 1970 issue of LIFE. That left the truly ambitious family about a month to eat 50 friggin' boxes of fried fat and salt, allowing for an unlikely two weeks for shipping and handling. To eat that much fried shit in one month without a stay in the hospital coronary ward, you'd need a family the size of six Brady Bunches! I feel sick just thinking about it, but not too sick to come up with this helpful list of improved snack names. You're welcome, General Mills.

Hippie Dips
Groove Tubes
Flounder Fluffs
Ransom Notes
Manson Munch
Wheat Planks
Helter Skelters
Corn Substance
Hendrix Jimmy-Jams
Candy Warballs
Apollo Salteens
Tonkin Tots
Asbestos Whoopsies
Corn Clogs

Click for big.


Sportsmanlinke Driving, Pt 5 - Your type of maniac.

Self-reporting, non-controlled, non-double-blinded research reveals that every single American driver is at least one type of sociopathic maniac while driving an auto-car. Using these handy oversimplifications, please determine which type of lethal maniac you are, and more importantly, help your friends and family to identify their crippling personality flaws. Please cut out these personality types and carry them with you at all times, so that you can be sure that your observations of your companions are backed up by unassailable science. And, get ready to accept the gratitude of everyone you know.