Esquire Holiday Buying Guide, 1959

Holiday shoppers, I bet you're stuck for an idea what to shop for your friends and family this Pointy Tree Day. Well, don't worry, because the December 1959 issue of Esquire (the journal of the great American douchebag, as you know), can tell you what to shop. Shop these things! Holiday complete!

This is a toilet. A cup that you dump in. Or possibly just pee. It's got a fur rim. As for how you clean it, or keep from catching dysentery from it when it's been used more than none times, you'll have to ask Lincoln Products. 

You're probably one of those guys who's identity and confidence is completely wrapped up in
his "Guns", right? You know, like that guy on the chopper show that looks like a walrus? The guy who tears the sleeves off of every garment he owns for fear that someone may not know he's got huge arms? Yeah, we could tell. You know how your bath robe is so confining that you can hardly sip your coffee or throw a table at your son without discomfort? You poor thing. Well, this robe has no sleeves. Also, it's got side vents, so everyone can also tell you've got huge sides, apparently.

There's nothing a lady loves more than a gift that implies that her
hands look like a lumberjack's. Buy her this finger dremel tool
and you'll get all the rewards you deserve.

Give the gift of music! Or, give the gift of this thing! Let's see... $39.95 in 1959 dollars adjusted for inflation equals, uuh, carry the one, and that comes out to...

Ho-lee shit.


Gooseman and Uber


Imperial Whiskey - Pointy Tree Day Graphic GIfts

It's the Just-after-Thanksgiving season, citizens, and you know what that means! It's time to figure out what the hell your Pointy Tree Day card is going to look like. No, not the one you get from us (which, by the way, you can get completely for free like thisaway). Those are all locked, cocked, and ready to rock, so send us your address for a free Pointy Tree Day Card and nothing else.

So, yeah, you might be looking for something to help design your HannuChristmaKwaanzaDan card. We might can help with that. But first, here's a 1950 ad for Imperial. "What the eff is Imperial?" you're probably screaming at your laptop. "The frikkin' margiarine? That's dumb!", you probably continue shouting at the screen. Well, it's a whiskey, which is something you can figure out by squinting at the label on the bottle in the ad. Apparently, in 1950, their brand was something they felt safe in assuming everyone knew. Well, get with it, Imperial! Nobody's heard of....


Oh. Wups. Uuh, well, anyway, here's the ad.

The cartoon men in this ad are super cranked about Imperial whiskey. Note that "cranked" could be interchangeable with "from buzzed-to-drunk". Oh, how those festive holiday revelers love to evangelize about Imperial whiskey to their neighbors and stuff. It's like they just found out about drinking, they're so excited. Why no ladies in the ad? Because Imperial was going after the super lucrative "Alternative Lifestyle" market in 1950? Heh, yeah. Nah. It's probably because in 1950, whiskey wasn't marketed to women.What did women drink? I dunno. Nectar, from the first posies of dawn, I guess.

Tell you what, though. If some industrious P.A.G. intern were to  pop these guys out of their background and delete the Whiskey (where convenient), you could maybe use these guys for YOUR Pointy Tree Day card, and you could make up whatever narrative you want to explain why these guys are doing their holiday prep work in "guys night out" style.

Hey! Look at that! One of our interns must be bucking for a promotion! These festive chaps are all PNG images on a transparent alpha background, so's you can easily drop them into whatever image you want. You think that was easy? I dunno, maybe it was. Ask the intern.

So maybe you're stuck for an idea what these guys are up to? Fine, we'll help you with that too, your majesty. They're getting together all the presents for their wives. Anything else???? Jeez!


Man, I hope these are


2018 PTD card get!




The March of Science #15


This Poison


Up Your Decor - Holiday decorating!!!!!!!

Woooo hoo, decorators! You know what time of year it is??? Yes! That's right! It's Almost Holiday Time of Year! It's a time when everyone comes to your house and looks around and judges you based on your decorating force! You don't want your house looking all crazy and bad, do you? Decorate that shit or I will kill you!!!! That's the spirit!

If you've ever seen a window, you know they can be a real challenge to decorate!
They're pretty much a glass hole with nature poking through. That's not festive! You
should gather all the objects in the room in front of the window in a big pile, then
frame the whole deal in some tastefully restrained flowered drapes or something!
Shew! Crisis averted! Hahahahahahah!!!!!

Now that your windows are all covered, you'll want to find a way to remind yourself that
there's nature out there. Decorative nature! Start with a garden-themed wallpaper in a
subtle red-pink-green colorway. Then, allowing that to be your thematic touchstone,
simply collect objects around, using this rule of thumb: If there's nothing within eight
inches of a given object, move something to within six inches of that object. Cozy!!!!

It's not all restraint and self-control, though! In some living spaces, you can really
kick up your heels and have some fun, like this dining area with a fun black motif!
Start by painting the walls black, then do the floor in black things! The classical
Romangreekitalian sideboard is ready to be useful, all decked out with four apples,
a nine-ounce gravy tureen, and two teacups. Now you're ready for any number of
guests! Also, there are things on the wall, at a distance of no greater than five inches
from any other thing! Intimate!!!
And when you need to get away from the teeming crowds of holiday revelers, you can come to this
little sanctuary! A shrine to Ziffsabanbel Ur, your lion god and spirit guide of decorating! He's made from  fabric scraps and tea-dyed hemp! The Worship Shelf has everything you need to supplicate yourself to His Divine Whiskers: a lamp, a pot of baby's breath, a snuff box of tea-dyed
hemp, a brass urn filled with the ashes of your previous, now heretical god, and various manuals
on decorating and sacrificial rituals! Oh yeah, keep those windows covered, too! The light of day is
a hated foulness that dims the voice of interior design! There! Isn't that better????!!!!!!


This Seemed Crazy


Dirty D.I.Y., May 1955


You Call That an Interest Rate?



Boogaloo for your Life!




Johnny's Horcrux