It Got Boring.



Stupid Baby


Glade Air Freshener - Shat


So Darned Hungry

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Up Your Decor - Small spaces, BIG ideation!!!!

Hi, decorators! You know, you don't have to re-ideate a whole room all the time! You can just ideate on a small scale, like half a room, or maybe just a toilet! So, really, you don't have any excuse for not decorating the hell out of everything around you constantly! Here are some less-than large ideations to get you started. DO IT NOW!!!!!

Imagine how happy your child will be, waking up every morning with this whimsical trellis, or sort of house-shaped thing headboard, populated by these hyper-whimsical grinning characters! Your daughter's or son's or whatever's first thought every frikkin' day will be the reminder that all you want to see is a smile on their face all the damn time. Nothing else is acceptable!!!

Are you constantly trying to figure out where to store all your clean towels? Well, with this unreasonably convenient toilet shelf, keep them right over the toilet! It's easily made from 1x10" lumber and 3/4" F/Z-grade plywood. Then, just stain it a rich fecal brown, or just leave it "au natural" and wait for nature to stain it for you! Mmmmmm, you can really smell the nature! "But," you may ask, "What do you do when you need to take the lid off the toilet tank for ordinary maintenance or something?". You're right! You may ask that! Shut up!

GEOMETRYYYYY!!!! It's all around us! It's gonna get ya! If you forget that, then geometry will smell your weakness and move in for the kill! Never forget it, by painting your boring old closet doors with these eye-twistingly vibrantly bright vivid geometric shapes! All your favorites are here! The seemingly friendly circle! The deceptively reliable square! The not-good-enough-to-be-a-square rectangle! The enigmatic triangle! Know your enemies! Never forget!
Are you tired of waking up with your head not stuck in some kind of pseudo-library cove in the wall? Sure! We all are! There's got to be a better way! Well, stop it, because there is!!! This sort-of-library looking headboard cove deal is made from wood and stuff with nails! The fabric of spacetime gets a little sketchy inside the cove, though. It's hard to tell if there's a mirror in there or if that's a doorway to another room or just an ordinary extra-dimensional space behind the bed. Also, is that a side wall to the left of the mirror or just a divider concealing the storage space behind the shelves. Who cares! Let the scienticians figure out how you built it! It's bed time!

If you're feeling flush with cash, you can outfit your
sort-of-library-wall-headboard-hole with antiques, as
shown in our example. This is Kandinsky's Horse
Pawing At The Back Door.

And this saucy little number is an Olmec effigy
of Gerald, the god of Wearing a Bird on Your Head.
Ooooo! Spooooky!


Water-Ski Signals.


RCA Quadraphonic - Flew like a lead zeppelin.

Gather round, children, and listen to a story of hope and disappointment.

In 1970, RCA wanted everyone to buy a new audio system for the new four-channel (which came to be known as "quadraphonic" or "quad") music system. At that time, consumer-level stereophonic (two-channel) systems were still sort of new. Anyone with a stereo "hi-fi" system would have been considered an early adopter.

This RCA ad wanted you to drop everything and rush straight out and buy a new quad system. Now, stereo systems have twice as many components as mono. Two amplifiers, twice the speakers, twice the everything, pretty much. As a result, they cost about twice the money that a monophonic system did.

Along comes quadraphonic, and they cost roughly twice as much as stereo, with four times the components as a mono system, of course. How much was that? Well, the system pictured in the RCA ad sold for $250. Run off to the CPI inflation calculator page and we can see that $250 was about $1300 in today's money.  Yowza.

Having just bought a stereo hi-fi a few years previously, would you be prepared to jump to a quad system already? To the well-heeled douchebag subscribers of Esquire, it may have been a no brainer. It was also 1970, so, amazingly bad decisions on the part of pop culture were coming fast and furious. Maybe a $1300 bookshelf music system (look at the size of the speakers in comparison to the cassette slot) seemed like a solid decision? Maybe you would have looked forward to throwing this in the trash when hexaphonic sound systems came out a few years in the future? I mean, why wouldn't you assume that was on the way, right? Spoiler alert: that didn't happen.

Time would show us that not many people were into quad. Not very many albums were recorded in quad, and before too long, Dolby Labs would figure out how to make a stereo signal feed four or more speakers through clever phase detection. Stereo was pretty good enough, it seemed. Five-channel and seven-channel surround systems, which extracted multichannel audio from a two-channel encoded audio signal, would embarrass your lame-ass quad system by simply being more cleverer with less hardware. If you haven't listened to music on a surround system, you're missing out. It's pretty cool.

Of course, we are now looking at an entire generation raised on hyper-compressed music played through twenty-dollar computer speakers or came-free-with-my-iPhone craptacular earbuds, so, hi-fi, or "high fidelity" is sort of a dead thing for now. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention the superpopular bass-is-all-I-care-about Beats brand of headphones, which are as close to high-fidelity as the squeaky earbuds they, in many cases replaced, to be honest. People love those too, because they're expensive.

Come to think of it, hi-fi early adopters at least cared about accurate sound reproduction. Maybe those douchebags weren't so silly after all. Is the idea of four speakers more ridiculous than choosing a pair of headphones because you like the color, or headphones that are engineered with permanent bass-all-the-way-up circuitry? The last time I tried to buy a pair of headphones in a store, the clerk looked at me like I was nuts when I told him I wanted to hear them before buying them. Apparently, caring about how accurately a music system reproduces sound makes you an eccentric outlier.

Maybe the douchebags weren't so silly.


Someone Else's Mirror


Up Your Decor - What a treatment!

HEY DECORATORS! It's me! Your interior design goddess Vorbia! I know! It's been a while, huh? I've been.... getting treatment! "What kind of treatment?" you reasonably wonder? NEVER MIND THAT! Go to hell, you bastard! Window treatment! That's what kind of treatment!

Anyway, dearest friends, it's all autumnal outside, and you know what that means! It's time for spring decorating season! That's because, if you're Spring Decorating right, spring isn't long enough to fit it all in! GET ON THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY!!!! DO IT NOW!!!

Hey, look! Numbers and letters! Everybody loves numbers and letters! If you're like me, and you'd better be, they're how we keep track of things and keep track of our track keeping! Why not decorate a whole room (Just one???) with this dynamic and vivacious alpha numeric theme? Even your milk-churn umbrella barrel will need a number, if you're to know exactly which milk-churn umbrella barrel you're staring pointedly at! How much fun is that! Let me count the ways, using pretty much every surface in the room!

Ooooo! A reading room! So scholarly! Wade is reading a decorating magazine in our super groovy shag-o-delic orange shag reading room, with lighting scheme courtesy of K-Mart Strategies Department! Just in case there's not enough light (Can there ever be?), there's a very mod globe light to illuminate even the black levels to 100 IRE! You're not going to believe this, but the shelving unit is made from - are you ready for this? - plywood! Can you believe it? It even has shelves that face the wall, for all your reading
material that Must Not Be Found. You know what I mean. 

Don't leave your kids out of the fun! Sure, the kids play in the yard all the time, but sometimes they'll
need to get out of the rain, right? With this super mod playhouse, they can pretend they were stranded
on a grassy veldt when their rowboat crash landed, half burying itself in the ground. Just image the
fun they'll have, pretending to draw straws to find out who they'll eat first! 

Have you ever been locked out of your house? Perhaps by a loved one pretending to be afraid of you?
HA HA HA HA HA! I love that joke! You can get that whimsical, fun feeling all the time by simply
nailing shingles to your bedroom wall! Good times! Also, during Private Time, it'll feel like you're
having sex in the yard, just like an animal! Pretty erotic, huh, tiger? Gosh! What has two thumbs and
is getting all hot and bothered? Me am! That's who! Well, I hope the neighbors don't have windows!


Outies Magazine, April 1969


Can I Show You My Canyon?


Star Whoopsie



It's the Great Pumpkin, Jane Eyre


Celanese Fortrel - Bend the elbow.

Mmmmmmmm, Celanese Fortrel. That's polyester, to you and me. It's where it's at. Are you looking for a way to have that crisp line... that lasts, and simply can't be wrinkled? Polyester, man. Do you wish your jacket would absorb every interesting odor within a mile radius, for you to enjoy later? Yep. Polyester. Do you wish your jacket would form little fuzzy pills any time the fabric rubs against itself a few times? Aww, yeah, polyester. Maybe you're an active man who likes to get groovy, say, by walking around as stiff as if he's going in for spinal surgery, and then bending his elbow slightly, and then looking expectantly at people as if to say "Get a load of my bent elbow, baby."... but not bent too much because if you move too much the jacket'll pill up like Rory Storm? Sounds like you're a polyester man.

Polyester is Celanese Fortrel, whatever that means. Yeah, man. Mysterious, just like you, right?

Oh yeah. $70 in 1969 is like $495 today. Right on.

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