Antique Fondler Magazine

Antiques Creepshow - Our rich heritage.... is not here.

So what's been going on at our Nation's antique stores, rummage dumps, and independent shitsellers while the rest of us have been looking at old children's books and generally trying not to pay attention to what the Middle East is doing to itself? Why, they're been preserving our shared heritage, that's what! Wanna see? No? You don't? Really? You're sure? Okay, here we go!

In The Sixties, home made cloth "vomit dolls" were very much a favorite among some kind of children. You can almost taste the mouthful of barf this plucky little guy is trying to hold in, can't you? What ever did he eat? Spaghetti with Goofballs?

Whoa there, little fella! You're not going to bed until you go and shave your face. There's a good boy. You can finish your bourbon later. Who's a good boy? Whooo's a gooood boy? I don't know either.

This little charmer was marketed as the "The call is coming from inside the house" Doll. Yep. She always looks like that. With removable head. Not interchangeable. Just removable.

Hey you sillies! Turn that frown upside down, and then just once more! The Rosie O'Doll doll will help your kids to understand it's okay to be a seething volcano of thinly disguised hostility, as long as you sublimate it with plenty of koosh balls and lots and lots of forced merriment! Be happy or I promise you'll regret it! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Speaking of volcanoes, this little lady wants to throw you in! "The great god of the Waponi Woo demands it!" What a hoot!

Whaaaat?????? A "MOBILE" telephone? What goes on? If I didn't know better, I'd say this box was pulling my leg! Then, I would tell it to pull the other one, because it plays Jingle Bells. What's your deal, box? What's a "cellular mobile telephone"? I assume it's some kind of squishy phone made of flesh that wriggles into your earhole. I mean, what else can we assume?

Driving while talking on the phone? What kind of crazy future wonderland is this? The Future must have the technology to make really long cords, am I right? Also, some national system of anti-tangle cord management towers. Imagine how productive we'll all be when everyone on the road can be on the phone while also piloting a huge block of steel! It will be wonderful!

Such a life! With this miracle device, you can be a construction contractor, a construction contractor taking calls from the local police about his solitary laborer who works in his underpants, a lady in a purple swimsuit, or Alan Hale calling for someone to jump start his golf cart! This invention will make all our dreams come true!

What's this? Apparently, a "cellular mobile telephone" can be made into a "portable telephone" if you choose to buy the optional portable adapter. Mobility AND portability? Where do I sign? Gimme gimme!

Wait. Fifty bucks? Go to hell.

Antiques Creepshow - Something to sleep on.

For all of our readers having trouble failing to sleep, today we bring you a report from an antique store for the criminally insane. Heeeere in the haaal of heeeaaaads.....

When paint ceramic glaze, or some other kind of coating gets old and starts to crack, it is said to have "crazed". ("It has crazed", "It's starting to craze", "This one wheel has lots of crazing around the lip."etc.). This doll head is now crazed in more ways than one, from its cataracts to its Death Valley skin, not even the Quay brothers will touch this thing.

On the bad ship lollipop. 'Nuff said.

Three walls is a good start to this display case. Add a fourth wall, a canvas tarp and some twine. Add burlap, wrapped in hurricane fence, a nice deep hole - and oh yeah! - Add some fire. Refill hole. There. Perfect display case. Now let us never speak of it again.

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Once again The Hall of Heads, by They Might be Giants proves to be a useful song.

Antiques Creepshow - Fabergé Billiard Frogs Tableau.

Today Phil Are GO! Is proud to bring you a shining example of the taxedermic work of Peter Carl Faberge': The Billiard Frogs Tableau.

Produced years after his more pedestrian egg-themed works, The Billiard Frogs Tableau represents Faberge' at the height of his creative powers during his climactic "insane" period in the spring of 1919.

It is believed that Faberge' created this object de faintasie as a reaction to the upheaval of the Russian Revolution and the seizure of House Faberge' by the Bolsheviks. Fleeing St. Petersburg for Wiesbaden, Germany, Faberge' rode a sleigh through the snow-blanketed forests of Finland. It was on this journey that he picked the last of the Finnish winter frogs to create this, his masterwork.

Having suffered the loss of his livelihood to political chaos, Faberge' seems to rail against the Bolsheviks and their rejection of the Romanov dynasty by saying "Yes, in this madness, even frogs will walk on two legs and play the billiards!" His rebellion of traditional taxidemic practices is obvious in the clarity with which we can see the wire armature in the subjects' legs. In this, the observer can feel the urgency with which Carl created the piece. His passion for the lost Russia and his rage at the rise of the Soviets radiates from the artwork.


 Faberge chose to nail the frogs in place, as if to say "The Bolsheviks can make these frogs play billiards, but you can never make them pay attention to the game." The frogs' eyes are ever skyward, thinking of all the frogs that gave their lives fighting for old Russia. Surely, this work towers over his other "mad" creation, "The Second Cheese Glove".

This piece, in the hands of a private collector who chooses not to be named, or to finish his pudding, has never been on display. We at Phil Are GO! were allowed to photograph it through special arrangement with the Wiesbaden Galerie von Bedauerlichen  Kunst (Gallery of Unfortunate Art), which holds it in trust for the owner. The gallery made us promise not to display these images, and so we must ask our readers not to tell anyone where they saw them.

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Antiques Creepshow - Cherish with gritted teeth.

The Garage Sale Assault Squad mistakenly invaded (with minor regrettable loss of life) several antique stores in the Midwest to offer you these possible heirlooms for a limited time only. Imagine these jimcracks gathering dust on your shelves, next to the other bric-a-brac and festoonery.

Who remembers the Seventies? I do, I do! This doll is a lot like the Seventies. Unrealistic to the point of being kind of scary, it kind of gives you a headache, and it's probably slightly damp. Treasure the many moments brought to you in the Seventies with this adorable saucer-eyed go-go girl. Neckless and cylindrical, her limbs are as limber and floppy as ever, ready to mashed-potato her way into your heart... probably via one of the ventricles.

Order today for fast delivery. Ships in a ziplock bag, to keep the smell in.

If your child doesn't have this train with rolling eyes, she/he/he-she is a wuss. Made from real dead trees, when you pull this little choo-choo across the floor, the eyes look up and down, everywhere at once and at nothing at all. If your dear one can sleep with this train in the room, nothing will scare her/him/herhim at all! For extra toughness training, wait till your child is asleep and put the train  right next to the pillow, staring him/her/shehe in the eyeballs. When the screams stop, your child is ready for camp. He/she/ will thank you some day, maybe even from a state run institution. Ships with gaffer tape over the eyes.

Who's this dapper little fellow? Its our old friend from the Neighborhood of Make Believe: woodworker and all-around noodge Cornflake S. Pecially.

After the cancellation of Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood, he took life kind of hard, going kind of wild without the structured life that forty years of TV production provides. He liked the nose candy, eventually losing all the cartilage in the region. Here is a rare figurine of ol' Corny without his prosthetic nose, dressed to the nines and still ready to entertain. He's ready to build you some chairs for all your puppets, which incidentally can't sit down. Won't you give him a home in your chair factory?

Antiques Creepshow - Salty salt & pepper shakers.

We got something classy for you mugs today. The P.A.G. Yard Sale Assault Squad strayed a little off-mission recently, unearthing this classy set of salt and pepper shakers that look like lady parts, there. This ought swank up the joint, but good!

See? Let's say you're sittin' around a table, haven't some steak, talkin' about how youse guys gotta whack some bum, and the mood is kinda dark or somethin. So's you say "Jeez, there. My steak is kinda bland. I needs me some salt and or pepper there. I'll just... whoa! Boobs! Bab hah hah hah hahahahaha." Then all your pals go "Bah hah hah hah hahahaha" too, because the salt and pepper shakers look like boobs. Boom. Life of the party.

Go and buy 'em. Thirty bucks cheap. Why, I wouldn't punch a guy for thirty bucks. So, that makes one of those "must-have's" or whatever. Nice shakers, baby.

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Antiques Creepshow - Jester head spider.

Today's Antique Mall Gem is this whimsical disembodied jester head spider, which one lucky reader can take home at an unbeatable price.

This happy little fellow comes to us from the late 1920s, and is expertly crafted from cotton muslin and porcelain by the legendary jester makers of Gottingen, Germany. He has no body, but he will scuttle his way into your heart on his five pseudopodia, complete with real brass jingles!

Imagine your child's delight when he/she opens his/her birthday/holiday/confirmation/mitzvah/horror-day gift to reveal our lovable little jester, leering up at him/her with his green eyes and toothy grin. He/she will have endless hours of old-fashioned fun re-enacting the memorable runaway alien head scene from John Carpenter's 1982 film, The Thing.

Any parent would be proud to be able to give a gift of this old-world quality at any price. And, at the we're-not-jesting price of $120, why aren't you on the phone right now? International orders are bellisimo, with a $75 handling fee. Craftsmanship from a bygone age. 20th century whimsy. The staff here at P.A.G.say this adorable punchinello is "jest The Thing" for anyone's curio cabinet or child's room! Operator is standing by, on top of a very tall table!

Antiques Creepshow - Peasant under glass.

Today we're going to explore the "extra valued" items in the glass case at the antique store, while my girlfriend looks at vintage jewelry. Whatever we find, you can bet it will be super rare and slightly priceless, because you can't touch them. Excited? Me neither! Oooh, I wish the anticipation were killing me!

Aha! A rare Hummel! Some of you may recall that Sister Maria Innocentia Hummel was not only fascinated by adorable vignettes featuring round headed waifs, but she also had a deep passion for great battles of the past. This piece was produced in a run of 200 in 1943, and  is entitled "Tummy Whoopsie". It shows a good Christian soldier disemboweling an evil non-Christian soldier, dispatching him with Christian love and mercy. It shows us how much God loves us. Well, some of us at least. Note the anguish on the Christian soldier's face. He can't even bring himself to look at what he must do for the greater glory of God. What a trooper. Onward Christian soldier!

When I was a lad, I asked for a Bottom Dump like this for Christmas. I won't describe what I got. The road to the gastroenterologist is paved with good intentions, as they say.

Even this deer can't believe how badly he's painted. He's rolling his yellow cartoon eyes in disgust. Ask anyone "What color are lips?" and they'll tell you "Why, lips are red, you jackass." So, the deer got bright red lips. The artist didn't need to look at nature to understand nature. Everything he needed to know was in his heart. Trees are always green. Lips are always red. Antlers always grow out of two asymmetrical tumors on the skull. If this deer could, he'd clean himself and mount his head on the wall.

This Beatles figurine is mislabeled as Paul McCartney. It is actually a very rare figurine of Jim Carrey. It's an easy enough mistake to make, especially once you've put a wig on the figure and hung a little guitar around it's neck and tagged it as Paul McCartney. Completely understandable. See?

See? Spitting image! Or, trying really hard to spit, maybe.

Antiques Creepshow - Malevolent Molly.

To brighten your weekend, please leave this post up on your monitor: the hateful glare of this bride-of-Chucky type doll will fill you with some kind of emotion... probably the emotion of closing the browser.

This doll was spotted and photographed by our Antique Store Safari Team, with only two members of the expedition being sent for a brief stay in the "nervous hospital" as a result. Considering the pure evil exuded by this doll, losses were expected, and only two downed associates was not as bad a result as we had feared.

The asking price was not visible, but a shred of the buyer's soul would surely figure into the negotiations. Just like Mr. Marbles tortured the mind of Jerry Seinfeld, this little plastic girl is the kind of thing you could expect to find standing on your chest in the middle of the night, having shouted yourself awake from a nightmare. She'd just be staring and staring  into your eyes.

Enjoy the weekend, children.

Antiques Creepshow - Figuratively freaky.

This morning, the Garage Sale Assault Squad brought me these photographs of actual relics up for sale at antique stores across the midwest. (Maybe the GARAGE SALE Assault Squad  need clarification on their job description?) The locations of the antique stores in question will be withheld to protect you from inadvertent ownership of these artifacts.

LOT #1 SOILED PORCELAIN CAVE MAN

From the mists of time comes a little porcelain sanitation worker. This cave man statuette was perhaps an idol from an ancient race of filth worshippers, or perhaps a sanitation totem, created for ritualistic cleansing ceremonies. His hair is worn in a matronly bun, indicating the civilization's reverence for his "caregiver" role in their pantheon. Clearly, the figure is an object of worship, as evidenced by the bedazzling, which can be seen in his eyes, earrings, and on the bone in his hand.

The seller seems to understand the history behind our little poopsmith, as shown by the princely asking price of thirty dollars. Surely he found a quick home at some local garbage museum or filth gallery after the picture was taken.









LOT #2  DRINKY BEAR

Our second feature is this delightful drunk teddy bear, ready to stagger into your heart and vomit down your aorta, mistaking it for a toilet. "Drinky Bear" was the mascot of a small chain of midwestern addiction centers in the sixties, and this example of Drinky is in fine condition, from his mismatched footpads to his baffling camel toe. Drinky's not dead yet! The "halo" is merely part of the art on the game box holding him up. If you bring home Drinky, you can pretend the price tag on his wrist is a medic alert bracelet, alerting would-be resuscitators of his allergy to vivitrol. The only medicine he needs is your love! And bourbon!

LOT #3  HIDEOUS GOLEM HEAD



This hideous golem head was made by a wealthy Victorian child, who, at the time, was famous for being the youngest guest in the tower of London. Her crimes are lost to the pages of history, but her family could not be found for questioning atthe trial. During her incarceration, Mavis Wintburn created this golem head out of her own hair and sloughed skin material. She called the head "Auntie Innocence", and declared the head to be her solicitor for the trial. She made all her defensive arguments via the head, working the articulated mouth like a puppet. The jury found her guilty of Brain Failure and sentenced her to "a most unpleasant demise of our messiest contrivance". The head survived the trial and made two unsuccessful attempts for the office of Prime Minister. The head found it's way to America in the 1920's and is credited by some for causing the stock market crash of 1929 by dint of sheer evil. Since then, the head has been associated with the Nixon - Agnew campaign, and the Brown's Chicken Massacre.

Antiques Creepshow - Saxy Clown

As a companion piece to yesterday's offering, The Velvet Clown, Phil Are GO! is proud to be able to offer this Jpeg of a photo of a painting, unearthed in Michigan City, Indiana. Entitled The Saxy Clown, this piece shows us a deeper, more soulful side of clown painting.

At first, one sees the clown's stunted arms, like those of a dinosaur. Was our little punchinello a thalidomide baby? Then your eye is drawn to the compelling black funnel of the saxophone's bell. But wait! The perspective is wrong. The mouth of the instrument must be a flat sticker or decal placed over the bell of the sax. It seems no one wants to hear the clown's mournful refrain of rejection. This cruel world would rather listen to the flat, insincere music of hypocrisy. This is a deft metaphor for the lack of respect that clowning receives from the public.

As anyone who has ever picked up a contra bassoon can explain, one can either smile or play a wind instrument, but not both at the same time. Today's clown painting shows us a clown smiling sadly while sadly playing a saxophone sadly. Maybe the poor clown would have more luck if he used a mouthpiece, instead of blowing directly into the neck of the instrument? What note is played when you simply clamp down a row of keys with all four fingers? A note in the key of weeping. It is to the uncredited artist's credit that he/she allows these profound misunderstandings to be the vector of emotional poignancy in the piece. Most significantly, this painting pulls at our emotions by displaying the artist's deep, sincere ignorance of music, and what could be sadder than that?

And yet, the skill with which the clown's lips are rendered conveys a deep familiarity with the way light glistens on a mouth covered with red greasepaint. Music may be a closed book to this artist, but it seems that he or she has more than a passing familiarity with clown lips.

If you click through the picture to the left, you will enjoy a large version of the image where can be made out the price sticker. Thirty dollars. That's all the store was asking. Surely this lonely, misshapen creature with Groucho eyebrows can find a welcome home on your hard drive for less than that? Please bid generously on today's offering before right-click saving the file. Won't you give this misbegotten a wall to hang on, in your computer? We begin the bidding at a crumpled up post-it note.

Antiques Creepshow - Velvet Clown

Today, we an appreciation of this majestic clown painting, deftly executed on the finest black velveteen. The artist's name is difficult to make out, but the P.A.G. Bureau of Scribbles and Squinting At Them (BSSAT) has determined that the creator of this piece was one of the following...

-Me Trombon, the incisive Clown Horrorist from East germany. He was active in the late seventies, until his much-celebrated suicide in 1982.

-Mr. Trinschion, one of the "lunch hour" school of Clownists from France, all of whose paintings were created, from start to finish, in one lunch hour.

-Ms. Toloon, the great velvet clown originator. The majority of her work was focused on clowns, but as her skills matured, she broadened her scope into the areas of punchinellos, harlequins, fools, and cannibals. Her love of the oil-on-velvet medium was credited to "the way the fibers clump together under the paint, as if they're afraid of her subject matter". This last was from an interview with Toloon in the May 1955 issue of ArtCrime magazine.

Phil Are GO! has been fortunate in the opportunity to photograph this piece, found at an antique gallery in Arlington Heights, IL. The photograph has been lovingly color corrected to no particular standard, then gently compressed to a Jpeg file of the luxurious 445Kb size.

Your family will treasure this file for generations. They'll build wonderful memories around the Jpeg of the photograph of the painting, wondering at the clown's toilet seat-shaped muzzle, his drunken half-lidded eyes, his strange black teeth, and his general malformed asymmetry. They'll bathe in the reflected glow of the painting's four vivid colors. But most of all, you'll enjoy the conversations that spring up around speculation of the three features on his bottom lip. What are these? Are they tiny fingers, perhaps of a baby, trying to escape the mouth of the clown? Are they cocktail wieners? We will never know, because art defies definition. This painting is without question, a possible piece of art.

Won't you bid on this heirloom Jpeg? Phil Are Go! has entertained bids of up to several paperclips and half a bag of Skittles, but surely a file of this importance deserves better. Please place your bid before right-click-saving the picture.

P.A.G. galleries thanks all readers for their continued patronage or something.