6/24/11

Kooking Kornir - Compressed meat disc of adequate nutrition!


Mouth vehicles, prepare to construct a hyper-savory nutrient puck to fulfill the belly requirements of your hungriest planetary conquerors! Behold the compressed meat disc of adequate nutrition!

Initiate procedure in this fashion! Acquire sixteen pounds of well-marbled creature meat. Marbling occurs when creatures are largely sedentary, so let us hope that your victims did not receive adequate physical conditioning before choosing to become your supplicants! BAH hah hah hah hah! Depending on creature physiology and your metabolism, you may choose to de-horn, de-fur, or de-scale your creatures.

My adventures have shown me the wisdom of choosing to cook using humans. They are rarely well-conditioned for battle and seem to reproduce in large numbers at any convenience, rather than at preordained optimal biological cycles. The fools! If choosing humans for your meat disc of adequate nutrition, endeavor to harvest them during their nocturnal somnolent phase. They are less resistant to conquering during this time. Additionally, you will find the humans to be more savory upon consumption if you scare them before preparation. Humans are most easily frightened by utterances of a single syllable at very high volumes. Appropriate volume for frightening humans is slightly above what I would call a "conversational bellow". My most successful syllable is "GRAAAAHHH". Scare to taste with syllable of your choice!

Place your creature meat into a freshly cleansed compression cylinder, such as may be found in the hydraulics bay of your starship. The pressures required to actuate standard starship landing gear (530 pounds per square Earth-inch) are also very nearly ideal for creature meat compression. If you are are accustomed to the cuisine of the northern reaches of the Spyuff mountains on the second moon of Ixst, you may also choose to leave your compression cylinder in an un-cleansed state, for the various flavors that hydraulic fluid imparts to your creature meat. Those entities of Ixst really know how to wantonly celebrate! They are aware of their identities!

After two standard lunar orbits, test your meat disc with a claw. If the meat is insolent or is too soft, compress an additional lunar cycle or until meat disc has learned some manners. The meat disc can be difficult to extract from the compression cylinder. If I am extremely hungry or merely impatient, I prefer to simply crash the ship into a convenient planetoid, extricating the newly-formed meat disc from the wreckage. Destruction of a perfectly serviceable starship is also a delightful excuse to serve canapes and get in some additional shouting.

 Locate meat disc among the wreckage and messily devour! Alternately, meat discs of adequate nutrition of this nature can be stored for many lunar cycles, providing convenient energy to all your metabolic functions on your longest forced marches across surfaces of varied conditions!

When served as the centerpiece to a gala luncheon, the meat disc goes well with chardonnay, strawberry spritzer, or hydrogen. Do not plan to accommodate leftovers! All fragments of the  meat disc of adequate nutrition shall form an accretion disc spiraling rapidly into your guests' toothy maws with no hope of escape! You shall see!

Recipe complete! I am Oteogg! Hear me!

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sweetie Darling,

You've inserted the wrong memory unit. The disk in question is a chocolate cheese cake of optimal insulin shock. The design issue at hand is why the disk is rolling around on the deck of a 1882 naphtha barge. Former youth wants to know.

Dave Pryor said...

The image above makes for a great game. "Cake or Meat?"

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

GRAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Aeryk Pierson said...

Excellent post!

I absolutely must give this a go next time I'm in the solar system.

Anonymous said...

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_wGr8njEWjtI/ShbKWTacCAI/AAAAAAAAC38/bzh2AsspEVw/s1600-h/Nicole+H+.+ow+.+steak+copy.jpg

for your cake or meat file

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

Filed complete! Many thanks, nameless one!

Oteogg

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