It's the time of year for anxiety and stress, readers! The Phil Are GO! Image Manipulation and Blandishment Brigade is hard at work on this year's Seasonal Obligation Card design. For the price of zero dollars and zero cents, you can get your super very own copy of the Phil Are GO! Seasonal Obligation Card by emailing your postal address to email@example.com. Please find our FAQ below, for answers to any and all possible queries, or just if you're bored:
Q - How do I know you won't use my address to stalk me or send kids to my house selling those stupid overpriced candy bars for their alleged school?
A - You don't know, as such, but stalking people and stuff is a lot of work, and we're just too lazy to bother. In fact, people who received a copy of our Seasonal Obligation Card card last year still need to re-ask and re-send their address this year. Their addresses are probably on file somewhere, but we can't be bothered to go through emails from a year ago to find them. See? Pretty lazy.
Q - Why do I want one of your stupid holiday cards?
A - Good question. I dunno. Because they're free?
Q - Why no jokey post today? Just this card announcement?
A - We're busy making sure tomorrow's post is a real horn-honker. (Note to self: Remind interns to make tomorrow's post a real horn-honker. Better call in to the office from the frisbee golf course to check on their progress. Have the Motivation and Shame Supervisor crack the whip a little on the interns.)
Q - Is the card going to be funny?
A - Hopefully. Especially if you make a little puppet out of it and make it tell jokes.*
Q - Can I get more than one card?
A - Maybe? Can't hurt to ask. It can hurt to ask for a stack of 100.
Q - Can I send Phil Are GO! a card?
A - Why? We'll have loads of them, since we'll be getting them printed up.
Q - Will this year's card contain any "post-consumer content"?
A - Eew. No. Sicko.
A - Oh! You mean recycled paper? Hell no. That cheap grey paper we used to practice handwriting on in third grade was made from recycled paper, and it was terrible for writing on and erasing on. Recycled paper makes terrible paper. No wonder people just keep recycling it.
*Jokes told with a Phil Are GO! Seasonal Obligation Card puppet are the responsibility of the Seasonal Obligation Card recipient and Seasonal Obligation Card puppeteer. Phil Are GO! denies responsibility for any content recited by the Seasonal Obligation Card puppet.