Up Your Decor - What a treatment!

HEY DECORATORS! It's me! Your interior design goddess Vorbia! I know! It's been a while, huh? I've been.... getting treatment! "What kind of treatment?" you reasonably wonder? NEVER MIND THAT! Go to hell, you bastard! Window treatment! That's what kind of treatment!

Anyway, dearest friends, it's all autumnal outside, and you know what that means! It's time for spring decorating season! That's because, if you're Spring Decorating right, spring isn't long enough to fit it all in! GET ON THAT SHIT IMMEDIATELY!!!! DO IT NOW!!!

Hey, look! Numbers and letters! Everybody loves numbers and letters! If you're like me, and you'd better be, they're how we keep track of things and keep track of our track keeping! Why not decorate a whole room (Just one???) with this dynamic and vivacious alpha numeric theme? Even your milk-churn umbrella barrel will need a number, if you're to know exactly which milk-churn umbrella barrel you're staring pointedly at! How much fun is that! Let me count the ways, using pretty much every surface in the room!

Ooooo! A reading room! So scholarly! Wade is reading a decorating magazine in our super groovy shag-o-delic orange shag reading room, with lighting scheme courtesy of K-Mart Strategies Department! Just in case there's not enough light (Can there ever be?), there's a very mod globe light to illuminate even the black levels to 100 IRE! You're not going to believe this, but the shelving unit is made from - are you ready for this? - plywood! Can you believe it? It even has shelves that face the wall, for all your reading
material that Must Not Be Found. You know what I mean. 

Don't leave your kids out of the fun! Sure, the kids play in the yard all the time, but sometimes they'll
need to get out of the rain, right? With this super mod playhouse, they can pretend they were stranded
on a grassy veldt when their rowboat crash landed, half burying itself in the ground. Just image the
fun they'll have, pretending to draw straws to find out who they'll eat first! 

Have you ever been locked out of your house? Perhaps by a loved one pretending to be afraid of you?
HA HA HA HA HA! I love that joke! You can get that whimsical, fun feeling all the time by simply
nailing shingles to your bedroom wall! Good times! Also, during Private Time, it'll feel like you're
having sex in the yard, just like an animal! Pretty erotic, huh, tiger? Gosh! What has two thumbs and
is getting all hot and bothered? Me am! That's who! Well, I hope the neighbors don't have windows!

Outies Magazine, April 1969

Can I Show You My Canyon?

Star Whoopsie

Great! It's Puberty! - Bad influences.

It's the Great Pumpkin, Jane Eyre

Celanese Fortrel - Bend the elbow.

Mmmmmmmm, Celanese Fortrel. That's polyester, to you and me. It's where it's at. Are you looking for a way to have that crisp line... that lasts, and simply can't be wrinkled? Polyester, man. Do you wish your jacket would absorb every interesting odor within a mile radius, for you to enjoy later? Yep. Polyester. Do you wish your jacket would form little fuzzy pills any time the fabric rubs against itself a few times? Aww, yeah, polyester. Maybe you're an active man who likes to get groovy, say, by walking around as stiff as if he's going in for spinal surgery, and then bending his elbow slightly, and then looking expectantly at people as if to say "Get a load of my bent elbow, baby."... but not bent too much because if you move too much the jacket'll pill up like Rory Storm? Sounds like you're a polyester man.

Polyester is Celanese Fortrel, whatever that means. Yeah, man. Mysterious, just like you, right?

Oh yeah. $70 in 1969 is like $495 today. Right on.

Click it to big it, baby.