10/27/10

Baby Lecture

Joke #1 - "Okay everyone, no need to crowd. Professor Snuggy Wuggums will talk to each one of you about your thesis paper in turn."

Joke #2 - Gina was skeptical at first, but she'd been impressed. Despite his lack of experience, she liked his stance on women's rights and his nap-time platform. Senator Baby was winning her over.

Joke #3 - "We found this growth in the abdominal cavity of one of our female patients, believed to have had some kind of contact with a male person's "icky wicky parts" some months earlier. It had parasitically attached itself to the woman's bloodstream, which it used for nutrition as well as defecation. Shield your vaginas, everyone. We don't yet understand all of it's powers."

Joke #4 - Our final exhibit is called "baby". It was donated to the museum as part of an estate donation by an anonymous benefactor of loose morals. Would anyone like to burp the piece?

Joke #5 - Our newest patient has myriad disorders. He has poor motor skills, lacks any emotional control, is prone to outbursts of rage, and seems totally unable to feed himself. We've been unable to contact his wife regarding his medical history, so we're assuming he's just a selfish idiot. He's decided to run for Governor of Illinois in the fall, and hopes he can count on your multiple votes.

Joke #6 - "And here we see our newest model, Baby 2.0. I think you'll find it's list of features so appealing and easy to live with that your current baby seems annoying and unacceptable by comparison. I can't say I blame you. baby 2.0 is a real winner!"

[Commenter jokes will be added to the post.]

Sue joked thusly: "...and THAT, my friends, is why this product is on the Top Shelf. I know, Doesn't seem like it's worth the price. Elizabeth, if you could stop stepping on the Bottom Shelf product..."

Craig joked like so: "That comes out of where?"

 ...and thus:

"Well done, everyone. Here at the Tobacco Institute, we've found that babies respond well to smoke blown in the their face, especially in combination with irritated scowling."

 ...and additionally...

"Here at Mainway Novelties and Child Care Items, we've determined that child-safe cribs should have rails no more than four inches above the mattress surface. I mean, who is this kid, Sir Edmund Hillary? You see what I mean? He'll never get over that!"



Well-commented, jokers! I mean well-joked, commenters!

-Mgmt.



2 comments:

Sue said...

"...and THAT, my friends, is why this product is on the Top Shelf. I know, Doesn't seem like it's worth the price. Elizabeth, if you could stop stepping on the Bottom Shelf product..."

Craig said...

Commenter Joke A: "That comes out of where?"

Commenter Joke II: "Well done, everyone. Here at the Tobacco Institute, we've found that babies respond well to smoke blown in the their face, especially in combination with irritated scowling."

Commenter Joke 3: "Here at Mainway Novelties and Child Care Items, we've determined that child-safe cribs should have rails no more than four inches above the mattress surface. I mean, who is this kid, Sir Edmund Hillary? You see what I mean? He'll never get over that!"

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