Antiques Creepshow - Velvet Clown

Today, we an appreciation of this majestic clown painting, deftly executed on the finest black velveteen. The artist's name is difficult to make out, but the P.A.G. Bureau of Scribbles and Squinting At Them (BSSAT) has determined that the creator of this piece was one of the following...

-Me Trombon, the incisive Clown Horrorist from East germany. He was active in the late seventies, until his much-celebrated suicide in 1982.

-Mr. Trinschion, one of the "lunch hour" school of Clownists from France, all of whose paintings were created, from start to finish, in one lunch hour.

-Ms. Toloon, the great velvet clown originator. The majority of her work was focused on clowns, but as her skills matured, she broadened her scope into the areas of punchinellos, harlequins, fools, and cannibals. Her love of the oil-on-velvet medium was credited to "the way the fibers clump together under the paint, as if they're afraid of her subject matter". This last was from an interview with Toloon in the May 1955 issue of ArtCrime magazine.

Phil Are GO! has been fortunate in the opportunity to photograph this piece, found at an antique gallery in Arlington Heights, IL. The photograph has been lovingly color corrected to no particular standard, then gently compressed to a Jpeg file of the luxurious 445Kb size.

Your family will treasure this file for generations. They'll build wonderful memories around the Jpeg of the photograph of the painting, wondering at the clown's toilet seat-shaped muzzle, his drunken half-lidded eyes, his strange black teeth, and his general malformed asymmetry. They'll bathe in the reflected glow of the painting's four vivid colors. But most of all, you'll enjoy the conversations that spring up around speculation of the three features on his bottom lip. What are these? Are they tiny fingers, perhaps of a baby, trying to escape the mouth of the clown? Are they cocktail wieners? We will never know, because art defies definition. This painting is without question, a possible piece of art.

Won't you bid on this heirloom Jpeg? Phil Are Go! has entertained bids of up to several paperclips and half a bag of Skittles, but surely a file of this importance deserves better. Please place your bid before right-click-saving the picture.

P.A.G. galleries thanks all readers for their continued patronage or something.


Craig said...


Craig said...


Craig said...

That thing coming out of his mouth looks like a little tiny guy with three legs mooning me out the back of a station wagon.

Phil Are Go! said...

Hmm, that's quite a bid, Craig. Lots of letters. Some of them upper case! You clearly want to take home this curious file, surely to be displayed proudly in your trash can. Careful not to right-click "empty"!

It'll be exciting to see how high the bidding goes!

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