Antiques Creepshow - Figuratively freaky.

This morning, the Garage Sale Assault Squad brought me these photographs of actual relics up for sale at antique stores across the midwest. (Maybe the GARAGE SALE Assault Squad  need clarification on their job description?) The locations of the antique stores in question will be withheld to protect you from inadvertent ownership of these artifacts.

LOT #1 SOILED PORCELAIN CAVE MAN

From the mists of time comes a little porcelain sanitation worker. This cave man statuette was perhaps an idol from an ancient race of filth worshippers, or perhaps a sanitation totem, created for ritualistic cleansing ceremonies. His hair is worn in a matronly bun, indicating the civilization's reverence for his "caregiver" role in their pantheon. Clearly, the figure is an object of worship, as evidenced by the bedazzling, which can be seen in his eyes, earrings, and on the bone in his hand.

The seller seems to understand the history behind our little poopsmith, as shown by the princely asking price of thirty dollars. Surely he found a quick home at some local garbage museum or filth gallery after the picture was taken.









LOT #2  DRINKY BEAR

Our second feature is this delightful drunk teddy bear, ready to stagger into your heart and vomit down your aorta, mistaking it for a toilet. "Drinky Bear" was the mascot of a small chain of midwestern addiction centers in the sixties, and this example of Drinky is in fine condition, from his mismatched footpads to his baffling camel toe. Drinky's not dead yet! The "halo" is merely part of the art on the game box holding him up. If you bring home Drinky, you can pretend the price tag on his wrist is a medic alert bracelet, alerting would-be resuscitators of his allergy to vivitrol. The only medicine he needs is your love! And bourbon!

LOT #3  HIDEOUS GOLEM HEAD



This hideous golem head was made by a wealthy Victorian child, who, at the time, was famous for being the youngest guest in the tower of London. Her crimes are lost to the pages of history, but her family could not be found for questioning atthe trial. During her incarceration, Mavis Wintburn created this golem head out of her own hair and sloughed skin material. She called the head "Auntie Innocence", and declared the head to be her solicitor for the trial. She made all her defensive arguments via the head, working the articulated mouth like a puppet. The jury found her guilty of Brain Failure and sentenced her to "a most unpleasant demise of our messiest contrivance". The head survived the trial and made two unsuccessful attempts for the office of Prime Minister. The head found it's way to America in the 1920's and is credited by some for causing the stock market crash of 1929 by dint of sheer evil. Since then, the head has been associated with the Nixon - Agnew campaign, and the Brown's Chicken Massacre.