Sears Pants - Will not fit jive turkeys.

It was well documented in the seventies that wrinkly pants were a stone cold drag. So, when polyester pants became widely available from mainstream retailers like Sears Roebuck. Polyester enabled millions of babes and cats to remain fully groovy regardless of whether they had recently sat down for a little while.
As recently as 1968, some squares had been wearing clothing made from natural fibers. This meant that, should he or she choose to sit down, the square in question ran the risk of having creases form in their trousers/slacks/pants/dungarees. In a study performed by the Johns Hopkins School for Extreme Funkiness, researchers found that the number (frequency) and severity (amplitude) of the trouser creases rose in direct proportion to the duration of the sitting period. And as any fool could tell you, all-right-ness falls steeply in an inverse relationship with the amplitude and frequency of the creases.

Polyester changed all that. When the dude or chick sat, the pants reminded you that they prefer to be standing by constantly exerting a force on the legs of the wearer, urging him/her into a standing position. The fabric was also water repellent, oil repellent, and soap repellent, as well as nerd/dork/geek/square/fool repellent. Coolness flourished.

 Polyester would readily accept a number of dyes and colorants, in a broad range of colors from fuschia to hot pink. Later, chemicals were developed that would allow polyester to be dyed in more natural colors such as tan and white, but these were found to be less far out, and so this line of research was abandoned and the chemists were burned alive.

In 1977, "cotton" was invented again, and fashion researchers at the Joey Ramone Institute For Fuck Disco had secretly developed a means of wearing a black "leather jacket" with "jeans", and so began the undermining of the polyester movement, which was all but destroyed by 1984. The indestructability of polyester fibers proved to be a problem for Polyester Disposal Agents, but global apolyocalypse was narrowly averted by recycling the formerly funkadelic garments into Atari 2600 game consoles.


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