Bactine - Doesn't sting sissies.

This 1955 ad for Bactine uses a weird green color as sort of a gastric spot color, just to grab your attention. I don't know if it automatically draw the eye of anybody but weirdos like me who enjoy ugly colors. Usually spot colors are one of the standard CMYK inks (Cyan, Magenta, Yellow, Black), but this one must have been a custom mixed pea green. My hat's off to you, freaky art director of the past! May your grave be warm and velvety soft.

More importantly, there's a photo of a seven year old boy in hot pants making an owie face. His mother looks so disappointed in him. BAH hah hah! If only we were a fly on the wall in that room... doodley doodley doodley doodley. doodley..

Joke #1 - Really, Cecil? Tears? What's going to happen to you when I send you away to military school? I am, you know. Mommy's going to be a country singer, and you're in the way.

Joke #2 - Yes, it stings a little, doesn't it? You know what grandma says? A little Bactine on the outside, a little on the inside! Mommy needs a snort, too. Mmmmmmm. In fact, forget the knee. I'm going out for more Bactine. Grandma knows what's up.

Joke #3 - I don't know why you want me to cut you, Rory! And who is this "Mick" you keep talking about? My name is Mommy! What have you been watching on the TV?

Joke #4 - Ungh! It's no good, Mom! It's going rotten! You better take off the leg! Do it! Cut it off right about ... here! Do it fast! Before I lose my nerve! You can cauterize the stump with the Bactine.

Joke #5 - Jeez, Balthazar! It's only a little scrape. That's what you get for playing with girls. *Sigh.* Grammar school is going to tear you apart.

Joke #6 - You made a good choice, getting in a fight on your first day, Rodney. It'll let the others know you're hard! You may want to reconsider wearing the hot pants, though. Word in the yard is you're already got yourself a bitch!

Joke #7 - You know, Webley, we go through a lot of Bactine. It seems all I do is look after you. What about MY needs? Maybe mom was right when she told me these May-December relationships just don't work out.

Joke #8 - Well of course they pick on you! A sweater with hot pants and wing tips? Hell, I'd push you down, too! You're lucky that's all they did to you.

Joke #9 - For pete's sake, Hunter! Would you stop cringing? I haven't even touched you yet! Jeez, what a pansy you turned out to be. I'm glad you're already sitting on the toilet.

Joke #10 - Boy, those bullies really did a number on your knee, Clovis. We need to get them to leave you alone. Hmm. I could be wrong, but I think shorter shorts may help.


Sue said...

I was getting a little concerned that you were just goofing on the shorts, but letting the sweater and wing tips go. THEN, I read #8 and all was right with the world!
But, seriously, what did they have that kid sitting on? A cake stand?

Phil Are Go! said...

Yeah, the shorts are the headline. The sympathetic boy characters in Godzilla movies always wear those shorts, too, and they're creepier than Godzilla ever was.

The shoes are not wing tips, I'm pretty sure, but wing tips was good enough for the desired glibness level of a caption. Ooh! I could have called them saddle shoes, like the cheerleaders in high school wore. Stupid hindsight.

It doesn't look like he's sitting on a toilet, but that's what I called it in one of the jokes. Comedy is so forgiving.

Thanks for reading, Sue!

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