Tabcin - Diane's mouth mountain.

Just like low-budget TV (i.e. Svengoolie), cheap ads are often the the most amusing. This ad for Tabcin is a tall and skinny job with one spot color and a bizarre rendering of a woman about to sneeze. I guess Tabcin was a prehistoric pain reliever. Either the pills came in teeensy little bottles or Tabcin pills were the size of milk duds. Anyway, this weird little picture needs the business. Begin!

Joke #1 - Tabcin now comes with a patented Grief Napkin in every box. The Tabcin Grief Napkin is made from baby-soft fibers and absorbs most major negative emotions, like despair, melancholy, sadness, fey, anger, sexual avarice, fury, misery, "the blues" (for our "rural" customers), rage, depression, satire, and communism.

Joke #2 - Diane awoke with a start. Ants! She could feel them crawling around in her stomach. She didn't know why she chose to have a nap in the back yard. She had no idea why she thought it was a fine idea to sleep next to this anthill... with her mouth open. She felt like a fool. All this feeling and thinking was making her light headed.She needed to have a rest. Hmm. That beehive looks like a comfortable place to sit down.

Joke #3 - The winter comes alive at Alpine Valley ski resort! New for the 2010-2011 season: Mouth Mountain! Your kids will feel like they're skiing and/or sledding right through a woman's head! TWIRL down her semicircular canal! SWOOP through her sinuses! ZOOM over her- oh never mind. Just fly to Aspen.

Joke #4 - The expedition wasn't going well. Three more men were lost in the sandstorm two nights ago. Doctor Ferdstrom now had reason to doubt his own senses. They had scaled a sand dune leading into this colossal woman's mouth. The team was dying of thirst, and there were pools of enormous saliva here. If it turned out to be a mirage, they could be drinking the sand itself- a fatal mistake. It had to be real. Why would they all share the same unearthly hallucination? He addressed the team. "Gentlemen, we will shelter here in this really huge woman's head.It is well known that hyenas and other predators are active in the night, so we will make our camp up there in the nostrils. We can ascend with grappling hooks and ropes. Men take the left nostril, and the ladies of our group shall occupy the right, for privacy's sake. Be sure to stake yourselves to the face of the septum or you may be dislodged. She may have hayfever. Also, she looks like a 'picker', so sleep lightly and be ready to move."   -Excerpt from "Voyage to the Really Huge Head", Jules Verne's failed comeback novel.

Joke #5 - Diane hated losing bets. She had disappointed her guests and let that mischievous Margaret Binchfirth get the best of her. Her dinner party was ruined. Diane could not, in fact, empty the entire salt cellar into her mouth. Defeated, she let the salt run from her mouth onto the table, where it would soon blend with her own salty tears. Gary wouldn't even meet her gaze. This was the worst anniversary she ever had.

Joke #6 - Ad seen in Modern Eating Disorder magazine. "Dr. Skinnyton's Dribble-Free Puke Chute".

Joke #7 - The party had beaten the Lady Beholder down to half it's hit points, and they could taste victory. But tasting defeat in the air, the Lady Beholder unleashed it's fearsome breath weapon, the Ray of Misery. 8 d12 of damage in a 30 degree cone radiating 45 feet from the creature's mouth. Save versus cold for half damage and a really bad headache.


Post a Comment