Antiques Creepshow - Peasant under glass.

Today we're going to explore the "extra valued" items in the glass case at the antique store, while my girlfriend looks at vintage jewelry. Whatever we find, you can bet it will be super rare and slightly priceless, because you can't touch them. Excited? Me neither! Oooh, I wish the anticipation were killing me!

Aha! A rare Hummel! Some of you may recall that Sister Maria Innocentia Hummel was not only fascinated by adorable vignettes featuring round headed waifs, but she also had a deep passion for great battles of the past. This piece was produced in a run of 200 in 1943, and  is entitled "Tummy Whoopsie". It shows a good Christian soldier disemboweling an evil non-Christian soldier, dispatching him with Christian love and mercy. It shows us how much God loves us. Well, some of us at least. Note the anguish on the Christian soldier's face. He can't even bring himself to look at what he must do for the greater glory of God. What a trooper. Onward Christian soldier!

When I was a lad, I asked for a Bottom Dump like this for Christmas. I won't describe what I got. The road to the gastroenterologist is paved with good intentions, as they say.

Even this deer can't believe how badly he's painted. He's rolling his yellow cartoon eyes in disgust. Ask anyone "What color are lips?" and they'll tell you "Why, lips are red, you jackass." So, the deer got bright red lips. The artist didn't need to look at nature to understand nature. Everything he needed to know was in his heart. Trees are always green. Lips are always red. Antlers always grow out of two asymmetrical tumors on the skull. If this deer could, he'd clean himself and mount his head on the wall.

This Beatles figurine is mislabeled as Paul McCartney. It is actually a very rare figurine of Jim Carrey. It's an easy enough mistake to make, especially once you've put a wig on the figure and hung a little guitar around it's neck and tagged it as Paul McCartney. Completely understandable. See?

See? Spitting image! Or, trying really hard to spit, maybe.