Red Cabbage Salad - From nature's mouth, into yours.

Today, let's celebrate the richness of nature's conrucopia's spewing bounty. Let's make red cabbage salad royale! (Spelling it weird makes it fancy!) You can't wait!

You'll need one large cabbage, (picked at the peak of turgid redness), three sticks of butter, four cups of vinegar, one cup of salt, and thirty-seven green seedless grapes.

Begin by slicing the cabbage into shreds. Why are you crying, ha ha? It's not onions! Place the cabbage into a large skillet, adding the vinegar and salt. Bring to a boil. Once the liquids have been reduced to a kind of vinegar-cabbagey syrup (usually about three hours), add three sticks of butter. Once the butter is melted, it's almost ready to present!

Heap cabbage into a serving dish, and add the grapes, arranging them attractively, as in the picture. Red cabbage salad royale is packed with vitamins and grapes, so your family will love it! It should be noted, however, that in high doses (5g/kg), raw red cabbage induces ataxia in canines, most notably in terriers, pugs, and beagles. So, when your children refuse to enter the room, try not to feed the remaining salad to any dogs you like.

Sometimes people just don't know what's good for them. Here are some ploys to keep in mind when negotiating with your family regarding red cabbage salad royale.

-"You're hurting my feelings."

-"Nature wants you to eat this. It told me."

-"I'm not signing any papers until you finish this."

-"You can't hide in there forever. The cabbage and I can wait all night."

-"It's called hydrogen sulfide, and it's part of nature, like love and screaming."

-"Today is not Halloween."

-"Yeah, well, you'll love me eventually."

-"But it's Grandma's family recipe, and her whole family smelled that way."

-"Oh, it's bath night anyway, so stop grumping."

-"Either you eat this or I'll need to you to sign these papers."

-"Fine. The starve. See if I care."

-"Aw, come on. You love grapes."