Kooking Kornir - Strubbian Meat Pods

Puny Earthlings! Prepare your scrawny brains to receive critical data pertaining to the capture, preparation and consumption of Strubbian meat pods or be destroyed!

If you are like me, Oteogg - Conqueror of All Space, you know the difficulties of discovering adequate nutrition in the form of proteinous vegetative organisms on the various moons of Strubb, as it is with the moons of all the planets in the large Magellanic cloud! One does not wish to be deployed in the Large Magellanic Cloud for extended periods with insufficient provisions I can tell you! Graaaah!
The large Magellanic Cloud. Easy parking day and night.

You creatures will shower me with your gratitude and prostrate yourselves before me when I show you how to make Meat Pods!

Many species do not know of the nutritive qualities of the Strubbian Pod tree, a commonly found vegetable in the northern regions of the moons of Strubb! Begin by locating and destroying a pod tree. Then, while it is still warm, sever the pods from the branches with a standard energy-based sidearm. Do not use a projectile weapon or saw to sever the pods, for the sap of the pod tree is flammable, corrosive, and has an unpleasant flavor. An energy weapon such as a combat laser or ordinary laser spatula cauterizes the tissues of the pod tree as it cuts, preventing issue of the potentially explosive and non-delicious juices. Withhold your eagerness to smash the pods, revealing the meat within! They must be roasted before they will relinquish their meat! of course, a mere plant does not know that resistance is futile! Also, ignore the cries of the tree! It is pathetic and unworthy!

Roast the pods over a burning village set to medium heat. If the dwellings are of a wood-like construction, be sure to keep the meat pods slightly higher above the flames to prevent scorching! If two Earth-days pass and the pods are still firm to the touch, consider setting fire to a few extra farms to speed cooking.

In the fullness of time, your pods shall become slightly soft. The time has now come to consume! Open the pods with a knife, hatchet, or shard of broken window and extract the meat with your various mouth parts! Let the weak be fed after the strong have had their fill! Twenty pods serves a family of six entities!

I am Oteogg! I have spoken!


Craig F. said...

Excuse me, Mr. Oteogg, where is it that you learned to create such a fetching monochromatic "tablescape?"

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

The cold sun of Strubb emits radiation in spectra not appreciable by your puny human eyes! My kitchen is vibrant!

I am Oteogg!

Communcation ends!

Steve Miller said...

Boy! just like Mom used to make! (Hated 'em then; still hate 'em.)

Steve Miller said...

BTW, is the Kooking Kornir column header artwork from Strubban's Day? I think I have Mom's collection of those someplace.

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

You maternal progenitor must be both a mighty warrior to make war in the mountains of Strubb, and a resourceful creator of nutrient matter! I look forward to meeting her on the field of battle!

I am Oteogg!

Communication ends!

Post a Comment