Kooking Kornir - Deep Fried Shapes.

This week, America celebrates Fictionalized Settlement Day, and that means food, food , food. But, as you know, not everyone likes their food to come in so many different forms and textures! Turkey can be so "slicey" and "meaty". Cranberry sauce can be so "sauceful" and "fuitish". Stuffing can be so "variable" and "seasoned". This Fictionalized Settlement Day, reinforce your family's comfort zone the American way by serving up this super-comforting platter of deep fried shapes, all with the most reassuring texture of all - friedness!
Start your Deep Fried Shapes platter of the right way - with a platter. Our serving suggestion shows the platter served raw, but for proper theming, you may want to deep fry it. Platter fryers can be rented by the hour from any VFW hall if none of your fryers can accommodate your platter. A cast iron platter like this one needs to fry for thirty seconds, but aluminum models only need to be in the grease for twenty seconds. Don't overdo it!

Next comes the fun part - shapes! Look at our picture for ideas. Gosh, it could be anything in there! Those stick shapes could be fish sticks or cigarette lighters or whatever. Those round things could be cream puffs, golf balls or maple syrup cysts. Everything's delicious if you deep fry it enough!

Choose your shapes based on the diameter of your eaters' mouths. Measure their "nutrient inlets" while they're sleeping. Hopefully, your family has a nice, healthy snoring habit. This makes it easy to slip in a pair of calipers to measure the inner diameter of their mouths at full gape. You want shapes that fit into their mouths whole. If they can fit the shapes in their mouths without biting, this makes it easier for them to enjoy their Fictionalized Settlement Day dinner while playing video games or wielding a lawn chair in an impromptu "backyard wrastlin" match.

Some good starter shapes are "circle", "rectangle", "oblate spheroid", "ovoid", "thin squiggle" and "thick squiggle". Some of these are pictured in today's serving suggestion. Can you find them all? Fry your shapes in your best deep fryer set to "very crunchy". If some of your shapes come out a different shape than they went in, fry them again. What have you got to lose?

Arrange your shapes on your platter segregated by shape and size. This will minimize hunting and ensure that  eaters who enjoy only one shape know exactly where to find their favorite. Garnish with the barest suggestion of vegetable matter. Not too much now. The steaming crispiness is the star of the show. Serve your shapes with several tubs of dipping goos. Consider traditional flavors like yellow and flesh-toned. White flavor goo is best served with some kind of lumps in it.

Your eaters may start arguing and biting each other. This is a classic indication of Not Enough Food. Only empty mouths can bite. Fry up another fried platter of crispy orange comfort shapes and revel in your happy, gorged family. Aloha!


Jim Dillon said...

Love it. "Nutrient inlets." You got me.

Steve Miller said...

I am thankful for "Fictionalized Settlement Day."

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