Roach Shirts - Be the loser you've always dreamed of.

All right, class. Turn off your various lathes and band saws and begin sweeping up. I found this 1975 copy of Popular Hot Rodding in your locker and it's time to order your new T-shirt from Roach (heh heh) incorporated. You're gonna be the "toast" (heh heh) of shop class!

When choosing your new stoney t-shirt design, you need to be sure you'll be wearing your very favorite thing on your chest. What do you like best? Your shirt will tell the world for possibly months to come (until the decal fades or peels off). You'd better be certain of your affections.

In the middle of the page are some new and exciting "Permagraph" designs, featuring actual photographs. As soon as permagraph technology was available, Roach Inc. immediately created full color designs that everyone had been waiting for. Cars, beer, trains, and.. a cactus?

Do you like beer? Of course! Have you ever had one? Possibly! But you definitely want your friends to THINK you have. More likely, your dad let you taste it that one saturday when you were holding the flashlight while he reattached the dryer duct. Then you barfed and told your buddies the next day that you finished the whole can. If this is you, design # 5079 is for you.
If you aren't afraid to have your mind bent or your eye dazzled, you may need to choose a "Glitter" design. Maybe you're not sure what the hell you're into, but you want everyone to know you're into things? Then choose one of the non-specific space-themed, island lagoon, or seagull designs. people will definitely know that you want to have interests.

If you're the weird kid who doesn't know why he does things, you're going to need the "Flash" shirt. Everyone will ask what that's about, and you'll shrug. It' not The Flash's logo. It's just a shirt that says "Flash". Nobody talks to you anyway, so it hardly matters.

Maybe you want people to be scared of you, so they won't know how scared you are of them. Then get the snake or dragon design. The dragon is also good for nerds who will be the first in school to try Dungeons & Dragons when Gary Gygax invents it in a couple of years. You'll want to have your shirt ready when you throw your first D20.

Are you a girl? Positive? Okay, then you'll pretty much need the "Foxy Lady" shirt. But maybe you don't want to look like the school slut (for some reason). In that case, just get a "Boogie" or "Sunshine" design and nobody needs to know you "do more than dance".

Maybe you like cars? Your "Mopar or No Car" trucker hat and STP sticker on your Schwinn Sting-Ray are a clue, but they'll know for sure when they see you in one of these various car caricature shirts. Or, just get the "I'm with stupid" shirt and let everyone in one hemisphere of the world know that not only are they stupid, but you're are also with them.

But really, if you're the person dead center in the bullseye of Roach's demo, you'll be wanting one of their pot-themed shirts, as if anybody in school doesn't already know you smoke weed. You'll also be baked while filling out the order form, so you'll screw it up and wind up with "Foxy Lady". And, because you spent your whole allowance on it, you'll have to wear it anyway. You, my friend, are the loser of your dreams.

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