Kentile Mosaic Solid Vinyl Tile - Dinner before death.

Ah! Mister Bond! I see you are awake, after your little nap. So sorry if you have a headache. The gas we used on you is a particularly noxious blend of Inexpensive Avon cologne that comes in a bottle shaped like a cowboy boot and Windex. It's very effective against MI6 agents, but you'll also find that middle aged women in hip huggers will be very drawn to you until the scent fades away. Won't you please come into my kitchen? I have fooled you. It is not a mosaic floor. It is Kentile Mosaic Solid Vinyl Tile!

I see you're impressed by the internationalness of my little fortress. No, you're not on a veranda in Spain. You're indoors! That's right! Those railings are mostly cosmetic, but they keep my servants from falling off the breakfast daiz. Shall we sit? Fatua, bring Mister Bond a Kayo. It will be his last.

You are very troublesome, Double Oh Seven. While you were killing my guards and upsetting my giraffes, you knocked over several cans of paint that I had set aside for touching up my brickwork. What shall I do now, when the tea trolley chips the corner of my wall? Perhaps in England they make due with exposed brick, but here in Glencoe we demand color!

Speaking of color, you may notice the stripe of orange on the floor, indicating the minimum safe distance you may stand from my walls. Also notice that near the hearth oven, that distance is slightly greater. It would be such a shame if you were to fall into the oven, or the dishwasher, or hear the easy sounds of Sergio Mendez on my newly miniaturized hi-fi set. Sergio is not for you!

Would you care for some terrier? No? That is well, because it is not terrier all. You see how easily I deceive you. It is a baby kangaroo. It tastes exactly like veal, but at merely thrice times two the cost. I can do this because my international smuggling ring is so successful, Mister Bond. And, so it shall remain, once I dispose of your corpse in the In-Sink-Erator. It is over there, in the sink on the island countertop, which is filled with my collection of seasoning shakers and plastic fruit, near my wall of precious copper pots and pans which must never be used -

Blast! Where has he gone!?

Guards! Retrieve Mister Bond and bring him to me! The man who does gets an extra big bowl of Quisp, but not too much! I need my guards to be lean! He must not reveal the secrets of my decor to MI6!

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Anonymous said...

Curiously, I am unable to ascertain the exact era of this ad. Would I be wrong at guessing circa 1973?

Help me PhilAreGo Kenobi, You're my only hope.

Princess Leia FancyHotBalls_2

PhilAreGo@gmail.com said...

The ad is from 1961. We always put the year of the ad in the "labels" at the end of the post, to keep you from wondering. I know it LOOKS like '73, but I think in '61 this stuff was avant-garde. By '73, this crap was already out there in the homes of swingers and key party goers.

Thanks, MFHB!


MrsBug said...

Evil laugh! Where's the evil laugh?!

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