News from around the science. - The news of yesterday, ripped from the headlines of the past!

Carpenter's smoking jacket is said to increase classiness of projects, with admitted increased risk of pipe smoking near flammable wood shavings. Platinum circular saw sold separately.

Human cloning project said to be "largely successful" at Michigan State. Two identical simulants are seen above, with anomalous "klinker", on left. Says klinker, "I will probably be dissolved and my materials salvaged, as is only fitting."

Recently rescued after years of servitude and sexual slavery (see image), this car is now recovering from its ordeal at an undisclosed service station. It also claimed to have been forced to run on watery, unbranded Speedway gasoline. Charges are still being determined.