Hot Wheels Sizzlers - I can't drive 655.

Heyyyyy, Sizzlers! I had these things back around 1980 or so. Aw, man.

As a kid, I always preferred matchbox cars to Hot Wheels. Matchbox had springy axles, so when you stepped on one, they would still roll straight. Hot Wheels had thicker, non-springy axles, so when they bent, they tended to stay bent.

You, sir, are an idiot.

A stepped-on car would forever roll crooked, with squatty wheels. Who knew that retards would voluntarily do this with their real cars someday and it would be called "stance"?

So, when Hot Wheels developed Sizzlers, it was enough to win me back to the brand. They looked like standard Hot Wheels, except for a little plug on the side of the car where you could charge up the tiny battery with the Juice Machine. The Juice Machine looked like a gas pump, about six inches high. It had a couple of D cells in it, and you used this to charge up the car, and it would run for maybe ten seconds. Mattel claimed the speeds were in excess of 700 scale miles per hour or something. They were silly fast, and it was intoxicating.

Unlike slot cars, the track had walls that kept the cars from flying off and knocking you unconscious. This means the cars could "mix it up" as they say, which added a delicious element of added chaos. Observe this commercial or two. The Silver Circuit set in the second FaceTube ad shows us the cost-cutter version of the Juice Machine that dispensed with any pretense at resembling a gas pump. Boooo, Mattel!

Jeez, I wish they still made Sizz....a whaaa? Well well well. They still do. And apparently, they did a tie-in with Disney's Cars franchise. Smart.

I'd have half a mind to spend ten bucks to get the Sizzlers I found on Amazon, but then I'd be in company with this guy, a grown man who likes to play with Sizzlers and doesn't use any big words. I think I need to save up for a new roof or something. Rose, your bloom is off of you.

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