The U.S. continues to receive the ultimate polar wedgie today, and no states are harder hit than The South, for whom snow is something they only see on Ice Road Truckers, but probably assumed was Photoshop. The results have been
hilarious. "Millimeter upon millimeter" of terrifying snow has coated roads, and true to the nature of a generation for whom information is plentiful and basically free, they had no idea it was coming and are completely ignorant of how to handle it. As a result, cars are cartwheeling across lanes of traffic and debris arcs through the air, trailing smokey tentacles behind baffled news reporters cowering from the "falling ice pieces from the wicked, wicked clouds".
If only they'd had a copy of "Let's Drive Right", Third Edition (the one with the funniest hair), courtesy of 1964. Don't become a statistic! Let's learn what to do in case of Road Trouble!
Slow-Moving farm Equipment - Learn when to panic.
The motorist doesn't know there's anything up ahead. Bird Chirp. Hillbillies "a-hyuk" gently in the distance. A perfect afternoon.
Still no sign of trouble. No reason to slow down. Free and clear!
Admiring the sky. Maybe thinking about some golf later on, while accelerating kind of a lot.
"Aaah! Dear god! Some kind of farm thing! Must apply brakes with both wing tips! Release wheel with all your might!
This motorist has made the mistake of panicking far too late. As you can see, his front wheels are already in the bed of the trailer. If only he had panicked a minute or two earlier, he could have safely plunged his car into a drainage ditch or off a bridge well in advance.
This farmer has even taken the precaution of painting a word of warning on his vehicle. "DAINGOR" is about all you need to know. His demonstrated attitudes about education mean he believes fossils were put in the ground by Jesus to trick us. Stay safe. Panic early. Drive north as fast as you can.
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2 comments:
Lord love a duck, it's true. We lived in Nashville for a number of years and EACH TIME there was the threat of snow, the Walmart's shelves were cleared faster than you can say "zombie apocalypse."
Thanks for the first-hand account, Michelle (first time commenter!). Even up here in the Frozen North, grocery stores get swamped with people every time there is a report of a snowstorm coming up. I can't remember ever seeing an entire town being snowed in for more than eight hours or so. No need for people to act like it's the ZMBEPOCLIPS. How's THAT for saying it fast?
Thanks for reading!
[-Mgmt.]
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