Scripto Satellite - The pen for the atomic age!

The Atomic Age is huge! Now there are atoms! Stop writing with whatever piece of shit pen you have in your pocket, you idiot! You need a pen for the Atomic Age! Hurry! Before you forget, write yourself a note... oh.

As we've reported before, in 1957, Science did this thing where they decided that this would be the year they figure a bunch of stuff out about Earth, and they gave it a name: The International Geophysical Year. Basically, we had decided that mankind was super smart and as a result we were all full of ourselves. Everyone was talking about the I.G.Y.

So, like anything technical, Marketing used it to try to sell you everything. How? By assuming you're as stupid as they are and will buy anything with some sciencey words sprinkled on it. This ad has a lot of bullshit to untangle. Words don't really have any meaning any more, once they've passed through the mouth of a marketing professional on the clock. Let's untangle!

"Scripto scientists discovered a new molecular formulation so superior to ink (but it's still ink), it was named (by the marketing department) COLORESSENCE."

"Magnificent Space-Satellite Design". A pen has a different job than a rocket. A rocket needs to pass smoothly through the atmosphere. The last thing you want from a pen is for it to be slippery. Perosnally, I don't like having to constantly choke up on my pen because my fingers keep slipping down. I guess my fingers are too atmosphere-shaped.

"Tele-Gauge cartridge". Transparent plastic. Invented 1856.

"Micro-gauged metal spring and cushioned cartridge". A spring. Invented in the 15th century. See finger illustration to help you understand the complexities of the miracle device.

"Writes perfectly at all angles!" Cartridge is pressurized. Second law of thermodynamics, 1797.

"Crystalloy". An alloy is a combination of two metals, first performed around 3600 B.C. All metals are inherently crystalline in form, regardless of whether they're alloyed with another metal or not. However, Marketing did notice that both words have the letter "L" in them, and so could be cleverly combined into a new word with no meaning.

"Jewel-smooth". Jewels are polished with abrasives, like most other substances, and so their smoothness isn't greater than that of any other substance. Actually, due to the hardness of minerals, a jewel is technically more likely to be rough than something softer would be.

"Deep-chill hardened". Ductile-brittle hardening, developed in the 1940s.

But at least the art is really cool to look at. Plus, I.G.Y. is a really good song from Donald Fagen's (one half of Steely Dan) 1982 solo album, The Nightfly, about his experiences growing up in the suburbs in The Fifties. It's worth noting that The Nightfly was one of the first albums to be digitally mastered. Now that WAS pretty advanced stuff for '82.

Click for big.