Velvetex - Welcome, Mr. Bond.

Ah, Mister Bond! I see you have recovered from the sleepy-time drug that my henchmen shot you with. Your Q-branch didn't prepare you for everything, did they? It's a curare of my own formulation, containing Yoo-Hoo and color-safe Fab. Please, sit down on my luxurious Velvetex chair, with your feet on my luxurious, thick carpet. Yes, of course, it's wall-to-wall. My life of "crime", as you put it, does have its rewards. Mum, hmm hmm hmm hmm ha ha hah! Sit. And don't try the carpet shuffle trick on me. My Nehru suit is grounded.

I said SIT! Very good. You might as well enjoy your last few moments on Earth, Mr. Bond. Please enjoy my Velvetex drawing room and salutational chamber. Are you surprised that I know your real name? Don't forget you introduced yourself when you snuck into my vestibule by knocking on the door, which could barely be heard for its soft and luxurious Velvetex covering. But I digress. yes, when you told me your name, I wrote it down in my Evil Notebook, which is Velvetex, by the way. And so is my evil pen. I see you are impressed by my brand of espionage. Can I offer you a drink? I assure you, the mini bar is quite safe. I will kill you, Mr. Bond, but not with a drink. Extra ice, perhaps?

You can clink your ice cubes as loudly as you want, Mr. Bond. Your colleagues in MI6 cannot hear you, for you see, the walls are Velvetex, too. It dampens sound reflections, but not the actual volume of noises because only mass can suppress the transmission of sound waves through structural members and have you looked into what actual soundproofing costs? And they call me evil.

No, soft surfaces can only reduce sound reflexion, and do nothing to actually silence a room, but your ice clinks of distress cannot be reflected to your potential saviors in London, I assure you. Do your worst. The wallpaper is quite acoustical.

Ah, I see you have noticed my other walls. They are variously decorated with Velvetex also, for continued luxuriousness around the room. With such Velvetex wall coverings, I find it necessary to shout "silence!" much less often.

I see you're admiring my wall thing. Yes, it is brown, and some kind of leaf-shaped art or whatever. I bought it at the church rummage sale. Tower Records was throwing it away when they tore down their paraphernalia room. I find that it puts me in mind of early Yes albums in that I can't tell what it actually is, but leaves me with a defocused sense of spaciness and nonspecific narrative allegory that - Mr Bond!

Guards! Bond has slipped away! Curse my soft and luxurious Velvetex carpeting! His footsteps could hardly be detected as he made good his improvised escape plan while I waxed rhapsodic about my wall thing and it's comparison to early yes music!

You win this time Mister Bond, but you'll be back! I have lemon squares! LEMON SQUAAAARES!


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