Antiques Creepshow - Our rich heritage.... is not here.

So what's been going on at our Nation's antique stores, rummage dumps, and independent shitsellers while the rest of us have been looking at old children's books and generally trying not to pay attention to what the Middle East is doing to itself? Why, they're been preserving our shared heritage, that's what! Wanna see? No? You don't? Really? You're sure? Okay, here we go!

In The Sixties, home made cloth "vomit dolls" were very much a favorite among some kind of children. You can almost taste the mouthful of barf this plucky little guy is trying to hold in, can't you? What ever did he eat? Spaghetti with Goofballs?

Whoa there, little fella! You're not going to bed until you go and shave your face. There's a good boy. You can finish your bourbon later. Who's a good boy? Whooo's a gooood boy? I don't know either.

This little charmer was marketed as the "The call is coming from inside the house" Doll. Yep. She always looks like that. With removable head. Not interchangeable. Just removable.

Hey you sillies! Turn that frown upside down, and then just once more! The Rosie O'Doll doll will help your kids to understand it's okay to be a seething volcano of thinly disguised hostility, as long as you sublimate it with plenty of koosh balls and lots and lots of forced merriment! Be happy or I promise you'll regret it! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Speaking of volcanoes, this little lady wants to throw you in! "The great god of the Waponi Woo demands it!" What a hoot!

Whaaaat?????? A "MOBILE" telephone? What goes on? If I didn't know better, I'd say this box was pulling my leg! Then, I would tell it to pull the other one, because it plays Jingle Bells. What's your deal, box? What's a "cellular mobile telephone"? I assume it's some kind of squishy phone made of flesh that wriggles into your earhole. I mean, what else can we assume?

Driving while talking on the phone? What kind of crazy future wonderland is this? The Future must have the technology to make really long cords, am I right? Also, some national system of anti-tangle cord management towers. Imagine how productive we'll all be when everyone on the road can be on the phone while also piloting a huge block of steel! It will be wonderful!

Such a life! With this miracle device, you can be a construction contractor, a construction contractor taking calls from the local police about his solitary laborer who works in his underpants, a lady in a purple swimsuit, or Alan Hale calling for someone to jump start his golf cart! This invention will make all our dreams come true!

What's this? Apparently, a "cellular mobile telephone" can be made into a "portable telephone" if you choose to buy the optional portable adapter. Mobility AND portability? Where do I sign? Gimme gimme!

Wait. Fifty bucks? Go to hell.