Summer Heat Defeaters - Tips to defeat the summer heat, which was pretty much made clear in the first three words of this title.

Today, the Midwest will enjoy heat and humidity of a type we haven't seen in three years. The heat index is expected to reach 110 fake degrees. "Double you tee eff is the heat index, anyway?" you say? It's a formula we came up with to multiply some numbers together arbitrarily to help you quantify your whining. How will you survive? Like this how! Observe these Heat Defeaters!

- Anywhere you need to go, consider crawling there. It's a very effective way of looking abject. Don't forget the gasping. Always the gasping. Also, crawl into any Starbuck's and enjoy a nice iced coffee and some wifi, where you can brag about your misery to your entire friend list.

-Everything is relative. If you're tired of feeling hot and slimy, just set yourself on fire. Soon you'll be dreaming of those halcyon days of yore when you were simply hot and slimy. Okay, now extinguish yourself. There. Isn't that better?

-Find some water and submerge yourself in it, resurfacing every 20 minutes, to take in air and exhale carbon dioxide through your blow hole. Don't have a blow hole? What kind of porpoise are you?

-Find some water and submerge yourself in it. Oh, you live in California? Well, you're screwed, but at least you have all those cool Ed Hardy shirts to brag about, right?

-Try this homeopathic air conditioning solution: Open your freezer and grab a handful of really cold air. Close the freezer. Then, sprinkle that handful of cold air throughout your house. The air molecules will "retain the memory" of being cold wherever they travel. Your house is now nice and cool, dumbass.